Transsexual Los Angeles TImes Sportswriter Mike Penner Dies at 52

The world of sports journalism has lost an esteemed member today with the reports of Los Angeles Times writer Mike Penner dying at the age of 52 today. Sadly, Mike Penner lost a member of his own a few years ago when he became a trannsexual, even writing under the name of Christina Daniels.

The Los Angeles Times reports:

"Mike Penner, a longtime Los Angeles Times sportswriter who made headlines in 2007 when he announced that he was transsexual, has died. He was 52.

Penner was pronounced dead Friday evening at Brotman Medical Center in Culver City, a Los Angeles County coroner's official said.

The cause of death has not been determined but was believed to be suicide.

'Mike was a first-rate journalist, a valued member of our staff for 25 years, and we will miss him,' Times Editor Russ Stanton said. 'He respected our readers a great deal, enough to share with them his very personal journey. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family.'

A versatile member of The Times' sports staff, Penner covered the Olympics, the Angels, World Cup soccer, tennis, sports media and a variety of other assignments."

Indeed, Penner was certainly "versatile," particularly in his choice of clothing. Penner will no doubt go down in history as the most famous cross dresser in the sports world this side of Dennis Rodman. But I doubt Penner ever shagged Carmen Elektra. Although there is a good chance "Christina Daniels" gave Eddie Murphy a good rim job back in the day.

There is speculation that Penner's death was a suicide. Regardless, Penner's game of life ended in sudden death overtime.

So R.I.P. Mike Penner. This world may have been harsh for you, but at least you can now join "fellow" trannsexual Bea Arthur in that great big cabaret in the sky. Oh... our fact checker here at Are We Too Soon has just informed me that Bea Arthur was actually a woman. Bloody hell. :-)

- JJ Ramone

Census worker hanging a suicide

LEXINGTON, KY (TS) — A U.S. census worker found dead in a secluded Kentucky cemetery killed himself but tried to make the death look like a homicide, authorities have concluded.

Now here's a dude that takes his job WAY too seriously.

Like, just because he counted ONE over...

AreWeTooSoon? is taking a break for the weekend...

Instead, read this:

http://www.saskforum.ca/blogs/chris-real/we-dont-cheer-for-this-team-because-its-in-our-city-81/

GO RIDERS!!!!!!

700-Pound Man Dies After Being Removed From Chair

GREENWOOD, SC (TS) -- A 700-to 800-pound man died in the hospital on Wednesday after spending more than seven months confined to a chair in his home, according to documents from the Greenwood Sheriff’s Office.
Deputies found Daniel Webb covered in sores, with a “very bad odor", and stuck to a chair. The report said EMS workers had to dismantle the chair in order to free Webb.

What a tragic Webb we weave, when first we grow big as Tel Aviv.

Maybe Tel Aviv is not the best reference, since I highly doubt religion or anything else stopped ol' Dan from eating pork... or ham... or bacon... or Looney Tunes VHS cassettes with Porky Pig on the cover... or a rabbi...

Fuck it, it rhymed.

At an estimated 700-800 lbs, Dan Webb just about cracked the list of top 2,000,000 fattest Americans.

Authorities had prior knowledge that they would be recovering the body of a human being "covered in sores and with a very bad odor", but were shocked when they saw a big dead fat guy, as they assumed they were being dispatched to Black Eyed Peas singing sensation Fergie's house.
Instead they found Dan's lumps, his lumps, his bloated lifeless humps.

A couple years ago Dan Webb in a desperate attempt to lose weight, wrote to Richard Simmons, but when he first met the fitness guru, even Simmons conceded defeat and in fact did even more damage to Webb's self esteem, reportedly telling Webb, "You're so fat and gross, I'm barely going to be able to have sex with you."

Dan's parents were unable to be reached for comment, but might perhaps have a statement ready when they get back from their trip to their son's colon.

Fuckin' fatty.

Love,
Chris Real

Edward Zold - AIDS activist - dies of AIDS

SAN (SURPRISE!) FRANSISCO, CA (TS) -- In the early, battle-heavy days of AIDS and HIV activism, Edward Zold was a young man who knew how to hold his own against the country's most prominent public health and government leaders.

Mr. Zold died Nov. 4 at his home in San Francisco, after living with AIDS for many years. He was 38.

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Looks like the quilt just got a little warmer, just in time for winter too. Even in death, Mr. Zold is still giving.

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As you know, AIDS is a disease that kills mostly homosexual men and drug addicts. For this reason, AIDS is known to southern Evangelicals as a "Gift from God".

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Mr. Zold was a prominent AIDS activist, much as I would become a prominent anti-harpoon activist if I had one lodged in my abdomen.

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Mr. Zold was instrumental in getting a lot of AIDS research funding passed, but was unsuccessful in his campaign to get the colour of the AIDS ribbon changed even though, as he said, "I can never wear anything orange becauthe it clashes eeeeewwwwweeeeee."

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Young Edward rallied people to his cause by pointing out that 87% of people over 65 have AIDS. he left out that these were hearing AIDS, digestion AIDS, band-AIDS, and Rol-AIDS.

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Edward Zold, although you have left us, your accomplishments live on, AIDS affects us all.

Jenny from Forrest Gump had AIDS. I loved that part of the movie where Forrest says "I may not be a smart man Jenny, but I know what antiretrovial preventive medication is."

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The Jonas Brothers have AIDS.

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I hope.

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There is a lot of fear of AIDS in the world now that it has been scientifically proven you can get AIDS from a public toilet seat or by sharing lipstick .

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Rest in peace Edward Zold... and wherever you are remember, no matter how much he asks, don't play UNO with Ryan White, the guy cheats like you wouldn't believe.

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We are the champions, my friend,

Chris Real

Suspect charged with murder in slaying of gay teen in Puerto Rico

San Juan, Puerto Rico (CNN) -- The suspect in the brutal slaying of a gay teenager in Puerto Rico was charged Wednesday with first-degree murder and four other counts, the prosecutor in the case told CNEND.

Juan A. Martinez Matos was arrested late Monday in connection with the slaying of Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado, whose decapitated, dismembered and partially burned body was found Friday afternoon on a road in central Puerto Rico.

Well... that woulda been messy. It would've taken a lot of spik and Span to clean it up.

Funny, Mr. Lopez never had any problems with giving a little head before.

My issue is, Peurto Ricans are naturally flamboyant, and they love parades... it's possible this guy wasn't gay at all.

Yes, three sentences, three stereotypes... not my fault though, the article started it, Martinez and Lopez???? Are you kidding me? Who here DOESN'T think if there were witnesses we'd be seeing a Perez, a Fernandez, and if they were really thinking outside the box (which Mr. Lopez was prone to do), a Ruiz. The Peurto Rican peop... I mean press are notoriously lazy and just type the first name that pops in their head.

Sucks for Lopez (amazingly, no pun intended) that he'll miss next year's Cinco de Guy-O celebration.

The killing itself wasn't even about Mr. Lopez's sexual orientation, it was actually a drug dispute probably.

The article states the body was partially burned... Fa-LAAAAAAA-ming!

Y'know, I just remembered how funny the gay Peurto Rican dude on the Soup Nazi and The Sponge episodes of Seinfeld was.
"Was joo talkin to heem? 'Cuz joo was obvusly talkin to one of us, so who, WHO, who wajoo talkin to?"

Crap, now I feel bad.

Sorry gang (again no pun intended), I lost my head there for a motherFUCKER!

May joo rest in peace, headless hearse man.

Love,
Chris Real

Inmate dies after wheelchair fall at S. Ind. jail

JEFFERSONVILLE, IN (TS) -- Authorities say an inmate diagnosed with major depression and schizophrenia died after falling from his wheelchair and hitting his head on the floor at a southern Indiana jail.
Sixty-six-year-old Preston Shaw was being held on a sexual battery charge at the Clark County Jail in Jeffersonville when he fell Friday, then died the following day.

Well, it's not like this is the first Crip to die in the slammer, and now he doesn't ever again have to deal with Clark bars.

So... is this like considered a mass suicide then? Were ALL of his personalities majorly depressed? How many did he have? Was it a whole bunch or just a pair-o-plegics?

The article states:
Shaw was a nursing home resident when he was charged with abusing a female patient who was unable to speak or move.

So? She sounds hot.

Besides, at least he was still a "Man in motion"

So, this Jeffersonville con will be movin' on down as soon as the local undertaker can get the ramp leading into his grave built.

I can see a new horizon
underneath the blazin' sky,
Chris Real

An AreWeTooSoon? Update - Cross your fingers!

LONDON, ENGLAND (TS) -- Andrew Lloyd Webber has been readmitted to hospital after developing an infection following surgery for prostate cancer.
A statement on the composer's Web site Wednesday said he had come down with a postoperative chronic infection that needed immediate treatment.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy...

His newest crappy musical is called "Love Never Dies" even - that's PERFECT.

Stay tuned!

FD: 11-month-old girl dies after TV falls on her head

PHOENIX, AZ (TS) -- An 11-month-old girl taken to the hospital Monday after a TV fell onto her head has died from her injuries, authorities say.

A'ight, we here at AreWeTooSoon? don't really like to repeat ourselves much, but when life repeats itself, our hands are tied.

Her name was Skye Simpson (D'OH!), and the television fell from the top of a dresser onto the infant. The infant's 2-year-old sibling was trying to change the channel at the time of the accident, and may have been responsible for pulling the TV down. My guess is the TV was turned to VH1, and a Nickelback video came on, and the 2 year old, knowing they had gotten a bit old for Nickelback's music, made the right decision with an unfortunate consequence.

From the article:
"They set up the TV, turned it on to entertain the kids," the girl's uncle, John Simpson said. "They turned around one minute, and it happened. Somehow the TV fell over on her. It's a tragic accident that could happen to anybody."

Well, not ANYBODY John, but for sure it could happen at least one other time.

Also from the article:
Phoenix Police Lt. Tina Gonzales said it was an older model TV, possibly between 17-20 inches.

Wow, that's some crack detective work Tina... that Phoenix PD can narrow down the size of a TV that is RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM to three inches. Golf clap.

Phoenix rises... just not the home entertainment components.

According to Gonzales, the girl's parents were home at the time of the accident... I would have to think they're ratings dropped as well.

I want my, I want my, I want my ENDTV.

Love,
Chris Real

CNEND 60 Second News Break

Burlington County 15-year-old dies from punch after he refused to join fight, police say
PEMBERTON TOWNSHIP, NJ (TS) -- A 15-year-old boy died Saturday evening after a friend punched him in the chest for refusing to come along to fight another group, a report in the Times of Trenton said.

Gee, I wonder why he refused to fight? AHAHAHAHAHAHA Wuss.

Oklahoma man dies after ammonia leak in Rosemount
ROSEMOUNT, OK (TS)-- An Oklahoma man died and another was airlifted to Regions Hospital after both were overcome by the release of anhydrous ammonia at about 5:58 p.m. Monday, Nov. 16, at CF Industries in Rosemount.

That stinks.

Record number of chlamydia cases reported
ATLANTA, GA (TS) -- Sexually spread diseases continue to rise, with reported chlamydia cases setting yet another record in 2008, government health officials said Monday. Last year there were 1.2 million new cases of chlamydia, a sometimes symptomless infection that can lead to infertility in women.

HOPEFULLY, this puts to bed (pun intended) once and for all, that Paris Hilton hasn't really accomplished anything on her own in her life.

'Remote Control' gameshow host Ken Ober dies at 52
LOS ANGELES, CA (TS) -- Ken Ober, who hosted the 1980s MTV game show "Remote Control" and helped produce the shows "Mind of Mencia" and "The New Adventures of Old Christine," has died. He was 52.

Game Ober.

This has been a CNEND 60 Second News Break.

What has 3 letters, ends in V and is VERY good for bidness but...

...has absolutely nothing to do with Freddie Mercury?

Jackpot.

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Here's the stories making news this week, JUST this week, in the exciting for awhile world of all terrain vehicles.

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Rochester man dies in ATV accident in Cohocton

COHOCTON, NY (TS) -- A Rochester man died in an all terrain vehicle accident in the Town of Cohocton Friday night.
Wayland-based state police responded to an ATV accident shortly after 10 p.m. at the intersection of Avery Hollow and Rynders roads. According to troopers, Joseph D. Wellin, 49, was riding a Yamaha Rhino 660 4x4 ATV.

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Well Joe, you mess with the Rhino, you get the horns. Yamaheart goes out to your family and all but... you were riding on a city street for cripes sake. All terrain, EXCEPT where cars can go, ya knob.

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Pulaski County teen dies in ATV crash

LITTLE ROCK, AK (TS) -- Authorities say a 13-year-old boy died after he was pinned beneath an all-terrain vehicle that he was riding with friends. Pulaski County Coroner Garland Camper says Alex Hugg was pronounced dead Friday night, three hours after the accident.

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One ATV, three teenage kids, zero brains. If you see any of Alex's family, be sure to give them a hug. Actually, maybe that's too soon. Awe... do you need a hug? NO YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK, we need a HUGG!

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Girl dies in ATV accident

SHUNIAH, ON (TS) -- A 10-year-old girl is dead following an all terrain vehicle accident on Sunday at a Lake Shore Drive residence in Shuniah.
The Ontario Provincial Police responded to the incident at approximately 3:35 p.m.
"When officers arrived, an initial investigation revealed that a 10-year-old female was operating an ATV," said Const. Diana Cole. "The ATV rolled over; she was not wearing a helmet at the time."

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I always thought Ontario was very proud that Shuniah was from there... maybe I'm thinking of something else. I know, bad pun, you're thinking, "That don't impress me much", well it's better saying something about how "The woman in me - was a messy clean up" or something, at least I have more tact than that.

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Girl dies in ATV crash at Chanceford Township

YORK, PA (TS) -- A 15-year-old girl from the Felton area died Thursday afternoon in an ATV crash in Chanceford Township, according to state police.
Trooper Michael Levinsky said that just after 3 p.m., the 15-year-old, who was driving the ATV, and her 14-year-old female passenger were riding southbound on Sechrist Flat Road when the driver lost control "for unknown reasons."

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Women drivers, I tell ya.

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"Unknown reasons"... my money is on she thought the T stood for texting.

No names have been released, but they should rename the street after her. Hell, they could even keep the "Flat" in there if they wanted.

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Fort Hood soldier dies in ATV accident while at home on leave

FORT HOOD, TX (TS) -- Fort Hood Spc. Stephen Ray Brown, 21, of Ottawa, Kan., died Saturday in Greeley, Kan. in an ATV accident while home on leave, the post said Monday.

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Holy hell, this dude is easily in the top 14 most unlucky Fort Hood soldiers I've ever heard of. No word on the maker of the ATV, probably a YaMohammed. You think he'd have known better.

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There's more, but I wanna avoid a tl:dr situation here... perhaps this can become another AreWeTooSoon? feature... Who am I kidding, of course it can.

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Vroom vroom!

Chris Real

Dan Gurewitch, star of The CollegeHumor Show, dead at some age of something

Sorry kids, no article to link, I Google News searched it and nada.

Also, the picture - obviously has nothing to do with this guy, but it did come up on the first page when I Google image searched his name, and it was better than any of the handful that were of the actual dude.

So you ask... how do I know about this guy biting it?

Well, "RIP Dan Gurewitch" is a trending topic on Twitter. Sure I've never heard of him, or his show, or anything else he's done... there's not even a Wiki article to research his "career" for some Too Soon material...

...but if he's a trending topic on Twitter, that means he's as important as The Jonas Brothers, Rihanna, #uknowuruglywhen, and as important as the Iranian people's valiant struggle for democracy was for a week.

I figured I better get on this one.

That's all I got though.

Sorry.

After helping family escape fire, Queens man dies retrieving his cell phone

QUEENS, NY (TS) -- A 75-year-old man helped his family escape his burning Queens home early Monday - but died after running back into the house for his cell phone, witnesses and FDNY sources said.

Sooooooo... Anyone out there still not believe in Darwin?
(Yes I know Mrs. Palin - shut the fuck up please - actually, the fact that YOU'VE survived might just shoot Darwin's theory to bits)

Now, yes the dead dude, Nathaniel Lagree was an idiot, but I really think the story here is how big a jerk his grandson was for calling him right after he saved his life to thank him.

I know making light of a dead old man that saved his entire family might not get good reception... reception... RECEPTION, MIGHT NOT GET GOOD RECEPTION, can you hear me now? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Well, I guess it's time for another AreWeTooSoon? PSA:

If you catch on fire remember to stop, drop, and roll over minutes aren't NEAR as important as you might think.

Nathaniel Lagree - I don't think your brain had enough bars my friend.

Love,
Chris Real

New Report 1 in 6 Americans goes hungry

NEW YORK (TS) -- The number of Americans that have trouble putting food on the table shot up last year in an unprecedented spike to a record 17 million households, the government reported on Monday.

Yeah... but two thirds of Americans are overweight or obese.

So... this is like, GOOD news right?

Also, 8 million Americans have anorexia or bulimia. Man that's a high number, makes me wanna puke just thinking about it.

What does this leave them with like ONE American out there that actually eats right?

For the land of the free, and the home of the gravy.

Hello good evening and what can I tell ya...

...fucktards.

I hope everyone had a happy and safe weekend.

Those that didn't though, are getting the press.

Man shot, but dies after hit-and-run on South side
CHICAGO, IL (TS) -- A Park Forest man who died early Sunday after being shot on the South Side was hit by a car following the shooting -- and officials determined the car, not the gunshot, killed him.

Howard Hodges was his name - and it looks like he had the single most unlucky night any dude has ever had ever - well except for those dudes who's women make them go to a Michael Buble concert.

Still, the guy survives a gun shot and gets hit by a car and dies in the same night... it's like he WANTED to be an AreWeTooSoon? topic but couldn't quite decide how he'd like to do it.

Well, bravo Mr. Hodges - you've got something over Anthony Hopkins and Vanessa Redgrave - THIS Howard's End is pretty entertaining.

Teen driver dies; may have been texting
BLACKMAN TOWNSHIP, Mich. (TS) -- A 17-year-old Richland woman died Friday night after a chain reaction of crashes on I-94.
Laurie Cartwright, a 2009 Gull Lake High graduate and Western Michigan University student, may have been texting on her cell phone when she collided into a semi-tractor trailer, police say.

First off, Good. Texting/cel phony drivers meeting their OWN demise and not taking anyone else with them is actually a good thing, like when a drunk driver bites it. DUM BTCH PAY ATTN TO ROAD LOL

Second, there's a place in Michigan actually called Blackman Township?

Polka band founder dies
VERONA, NY (TS) -- A founding member of Fritz's Polka Band died after loosing a battle to liver cancer. Fred Scherz Sr. died Saturday and had been fighting the illness since August.

Aaaaaaaaaaand the good people at WSYR in Syracuse are loosing a battle with spelling. The very best part of this article is it ends:
For a link to the Fritz's Polka Band website, CLICK HERE.
Fucking classic. Don't try booking them for this Wednesday though, they already have a gig rockin' the Everygreen Cemetary.

The polka dude, acordian to sources, had been a fixure on the hot underground burgeoning New York polka scene since starting Fritz's Polka Band in '78, a mere 3 generations after polka ceased to be relevant to anyone. The ONLY good thing about playing in a polka band would be the groupies... because a gummer would be an actual gummer. Nom nom nom...

Elderly man hit by a bicyclist dies
BOSTON, MA (TS) -- An 84-year-old man died over the weekend after he was struck by a bicyclist while trying to cross the street in Boston on Friday night, police said.

The man's name has not been released, out of respect for the family to save them the embarrassment of people knowing grandpa couldn't take the sheer force of that unrepentant killing machine we know as a Schwinn. I know he was 84 but still... if it took that other dude a bullet AND a car to take him out...

Child dies after being trapped in recliner
FAIRFIELD, Il (TS) -- Authorities in Wayne County, Ill., said an 18-month-old boy died after getting his head trapped in a recliner.

Oh boy... you never like to write about kids this young, seriously. This story of the tragic end of young Hunter Woolever is not a pleasant one, and this is actually tough for me... but I just couldn't sit on this story, because something kept like digging into my back or something, it was really uncomfortable. Poor Hunter, we don't say good bye, we just say Sealy later, you La-Z-Boy.

That's the news, and I... am... outta here!
Chris Real

Binge drinking kills 3rd China official this year

BEIJING, CHINA (TS) — A Communist Party official in China has died from excessive drinking, the third such alcohol poisoning case that highlights the problems of a drinking culture connected with government and business work, an official newspaper reported Monday.

Yes, I know... we JUST put up a piece on a story from China. I know how irresponsible that is to not be controlling the Chinese Too Soon story population and keep letting them build up to completely unhealthy and unsustainable levels in a world that already has more than enough Chinese Too Soon stories.

I TRIED to herd all the Chinese Too Soon stories into a big civic square and run over them with tanks. Didn't work.

This is a toughie to pass up though.

THREE Chinese politicians in ONE year die from binge drinking. It's like Delta Phi Kappa meets Mao Tse Tung. (Δδ Φφ Κκ meets... I dunno a bunch of things that look like little houses and number signs on opium)

This might all be a plot by the USA, get their buddy that they owe money to so hammered they either forget or drunkenly let you off the hook.

Drunk China: "It Ok USA, you no owe us no more, USA cool, USA cool. Saaaaaaaay, USA, how about since we do you favour, you set us up with your hot mom, England? She so sexy sexy, and you no tell her USA about China small wee wee."

Or at least to keep China gong show drunk so they stay gung ho to keep len ding.

From the linked article:
The cases highlight the heavy ritualized role drinking plays in business and government circles in China. Bai jiu, the potent rice liquor, is a permanent presence at elaborate banquets, where "Gan bei," or "Bottoms up," is the official toast.

Enough with the rice liquors east Asia! For heaven's sake. "Heaven's Sake" ahahaha - that will be the new hot brand of Bai Jiu in China.

Wait, Bai Jiu? That's the Phillips girl that wasn't boinking her Papa, right?

Anyway... I'll end off with another AreWeTooSoon? PSA, just for our friends in the Chinese government.

Remember, learn to control your alcohol, you don't wanna get so drunk you can't wok.

Gan Bei,
Chris Real

Baby in China dies while doctor plays online game

BEIJING, CHINA (TS) — A 5-month-old baby died in a hospital amid pleas for help from his parents while the doctor played video games online in eastern China, health authorities said Friday.

An investigation showed Dr. Mao Xiaojun was playing an online version of "Go" on the night shift and she did not take the parents' pleas for help seriously.

I suppose this is less of an insult to the infant's parents than if she was playing Operate On a Baby Hero or something. Either way, they certainly do not love Dr. Mao long time now.

The article did not mention the sex of the baby (calm down Michael Jackson's ghost, I said the sex OF the baby), but it is well documented that Chinese culture prizes male children over female children. (Ok EVERY culture does that but the Chinese are fairly open about it)

The saddest part of this story is that at 5 months old, the child was only two months away from being eligible for the Chinese women's Olympic gymnastics team.
Yes, that's the second Chinese women's gymnastics team reference I've made on this site, but at least I'm not turning all my Ls into Rs in this one.

The article states Dr. Mao-io was playing the game on an instant messaging system. See? MSG is indeed dangerous to your health. Hopefully trying to establish an on-line gaMing Dynasty was worth it.

Parents of the dead toddler immediately demanded a refund of 50% of their hospital bill, saying "I no pay this. This damaged. You do betta on priiiiice", before finally settling for a sweet 30% discount.

No word on if the doctor, like the baby, reached the final revel. FUCK! Level.

Love,
Chris Real

Nightmare on Elm I mean Happy Friday the13th!

G'day fucktards,

Your friends here at AreWeTooSoon? would like to wish you and yours a safe and prosperous Friday the 13th.

There are many who observe this day by being overly paranoid bad things will happen.

AreWeTooSoon? thinks that's a big pile of hooey.

If you are one of these superstitious people, you paraskevidekatriaphobia-stricken douchebags, we invite you to prove us wrong today. If we see a glut of great new material... I mean tragic and sad occurrences go down today, we will gladly admit we're wrong on this one and you will be recognized accordingly.

So friends, today, feel free to smoke while filling up your car, blow dry your hair in the bathtub, hurl racial slurs at Mike Tyson, or eat at KFC. Don't get drunk and drive too close to a manure spreader though... yawn.

Why do we not think there's anything special about Friday the 13th? If it's one thing this site has taught, it's that fucked up stuff happens on each and every date. FACT: Tuesday September 11th did not occur on a Friday the 13th (I can't find a link to prove that but I'm still pretty sure). Also, H1N1 doesn't own a calendar.

Friday the 13th has just gotten so corporate and commercialized, it used to be about... I dunno... what, did Jesus stub his toe really hard getting up to take a piss in the middle of the night on a Friday the 13th? Then he had to piss hopping up and down on one foot causing him to totally miss the bowl? Then he tried to see if he could walk on urine and realized "nope, I guess just water"?

OR... is this just some sort of arbitrarily made up thing created out of nothing to try to scare people, like The Boogeyman or Dracula or AIDS?

Fuck you Friday the 13th, come and get me... come on... come on... pussy.

Hopefully there's something WORTHY to write about today kids. If not, talk to ya tomorrow.

Promise.

Love,
Chris Real

David Lloyd, sitcom TV writer, dies

BEVERLY HILLS, CA (TS) -- Over four decades, he wrote jokes and scripts for 'The Mary Tyler Moore Show,' 'Taxi, 'Cheers' and many others. David Lloyd, an Emmy Award-winning television comedy writer died of prostate cancer Tuesday at his home in Beverly Hills, said his son, writer-actor-producer Christopher Lloyd.

This is not all tragic though, for even in death, he has made me laugh one more time, by seeing the words "sitcom" and "writer" in the same headline. Sitcom copy and paster... Ok.

No great loss here, the people that script every reality TV show ever are much more creative.

What?!??! Gene Simmons is cheating on his diet by having food from every fast food place in the world sent to his room?!?!?!?! OUTRAGEOUS and so very real. I sure hope Shannon doesn't find out!

Anyway...

My first reaction to Mr. Lloyd's passing was "Don't go there", my second was, "I think it's time for plan B", my third was "Smooth move Ex-lax", my forth was, "But if you're here, then that must mean... Oh boy..."

Yes, that is pretty much copied and pasted from an episode of Family Guy. I thought it to be a fitting tribute.

Of course, he might not really be dead, it could be that a family member just overheard part of a phone conversation and misinterpreted the situation... if that's the case, watch the hilarity ensue over the next few days... or at least 22 minutes.

If he's not really dead, there are several possibilities of where he might be:

Perhaps he's spending a night in a HAUNTED MANSION. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Or he could be watching the birth of his formerly badass but now totally straight edge brother's child. Awwwwwwwwwwe.

Maybe he accidentally made a date with two different women on the same night.

Maybe he's trying his luck at yet another get rich quick scheme with his overly animated and mono-dimensioned next door neighbour.

Are you as turned on as I am right now?

More!

*passionate but no tongue kiss*

Oooooooooooooooooooooh!

Lloyd's son when reached for comment sounded all crazy-like. Imagine Cosmo Kramer without the retro sixties clothes. (and white hood)

Lloyd's wife when reached for comment seemed Ok, saying that the David Lloyd character had run out of steam anyway and she was ready to introduce a new one... reported to be a five year old nephew from out of state that was to this point previously unmentioned.

Both surviving members of Lloyd's family will claim their inheritance... if they can last one night in a HAUNTED MANSION. Oooooooooooooh!

Mr. Lloyd, you have jumped the shark... went upstairs and never came back down... decided you wanted a career in the movies instead. You'll be back.

Love,

Chris Real

This piece of written in front of a live studio audience.

Be PROUD, America!

USA! USA! USA!

Goalie for German national soccer team dies after being struck by train

HANNOVER, GERMANY (TS) -- Robert Enke, the top contender to play goalkeeper for Germany’s 2010 World Cup team, died Tuesday after being hit by a train in what investigators believe was a suicide.

I'll start by answering the question on everyone's mind, yes, my Photoshop skills get me alllllllllll the chicks.

Poor Herr Enke, his future seemed so promising. What could lead him to suicide is yet unexplained. We can assume this, it was not sexual frustration - as he was the only guy on the team allowed to use his hands.

German national soccer has a very rich and successful history probably.

Enke's death is shaking the international soccer world to it's core.
Soccer is the most popular sport in the world except in countries where people have money and live in buildings that require more nails than mud to build.

Robert is now being ground into an even finer paste (they have the facilities... trust me) to be made into a delicious canned luncheon meat called Spamtrak.

I hope that didn't offend anyone, that was not my GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In a stunning gesture of tribute, the German national team will play the entire 2010 World Cup without a goalie. Vegas odds makers having heard this news are still putting them ahead of England.

Robert Enke, a man who loved his sport, but just couldn't handle training. (I know I know, choo soon)

Love,
Chris Real

Drummer Dies After Fall in Elevator Shaft

BROOKLYN, NY (TS) --Gerhardt Fuchs grew up playing the drums in Georgia and went on to perform with bands that toured across the country. Mr. Fuchs, known as Jerry, fell to his death on Sunday morning in the elevator shaft of an industrial building on Berry Street.

Usually when a musician dies it's GREAT Too Soon material, lots of band names or record or song titles to play off of. Add into it the fact that it's a bizarre death, and it's Too Soon GOLD. Maybe even Too Soon platinum.

Unfortunately, this dude was never in any bands anyone ever heard of... never saw either of those above mentioned colours... and couldn't even do us the favour of at least sitting in ONCE with 13th Floor Elevators.

So... all we're left with at AreWeTooSoon? on this one is another AreWeTooSoon? PSA:

If you get too hammered to pay attention to an open elevator shaft, you're Fuched.

Love,
Chris Real

Holocaust survivor, 'careless smoker' dies in fire

WHAHAHAHAA!

First off, welcome back fucktards.

We decided to take the first three days of this week to honour the men and women who have given their lives for our freedoms with three days of silence.

Then yesterday, a single post, to pay tribute.

Now, we'll go back to celebrating and exercising one of the many things they gave to us by opening a few delicious cans of free speech on your asses... and do we have a doooooooooozie of a welcome back story.

There's lots to catch up on from the past few days, so I'll keep this one short.

Last month, emergency medical services personnel responding to a call on Sutton Lane in Hewlett talked to Adam Rafalowicz about the burn holes in his clothing, rugs and furnishings -- all caused by smoking.
On Saturday, fire officials said, the 86-year-old man's son also talked to his father about what was called "careless smoking."

Early Thursday, Rafalowicz, who had survived the Holocaust, friends and family told officials, was found dead in a second-floor bathroom following a "very severe" fire that destroyed his second-floor master bedroom.

So... we get some modern Too Soo material mixed with some classic Too Soon material.

Seriously, the ONLY thing that could make this better is if he slipped in the shower instead.

Ok, or maybe leaving a running car in a closed garage too long as well.

First off, the term "Holocaust survivor" is a bit silly. The Holocaust is defined as the extermination of 6 millions Jewish people by the Nazi regime. By definition, there can be no survivors. There can be "concentration camp survivors", and they all no doubt have harrowing and sometimes heroic stories... but they are still more "Holocaust avoiders".

It's amazing, buddy got too careless when he Schindler's lit his cigarette and ends up recreating the not so good old days and dies one of the most ironic deaths of all time.

Now we wait for a Titanic survivor to die in a kiddie pool.

Love,
Anonymous

True, North, Strong and FREE - Thank You.

'Girls Gone Wild' founder Joe Francis sentenced in tax evasion and jail bribery case

LOS ANGELES, CA (TS) -- A federal judge sentenced “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis today to 301 days already served and a year of probation in a case in which the producer of the popular DVD series pleaded guilty to filing false income tax returns.
In September, Francis, 36, pleaded guilty to two misdemeanor counts of filing false tax returns in which he withheld $500,000 in interest income.

The last few months of Mr. Francis' life:

The investigation:

Scene fades in... a legal office...

IRS Agent: Mr. Francis, would you please show us your tax returns for the last two years.

Francis: What? No way, I know what you're trying to do, NO WAY!

IRS: Come on, just show us, here have a shot of Sangria.

Francis: I love Sangria! It makes me all crazy though, I don't know if I should... I'm a good little soft porn mogul.

IRS: Ohhhhhhh yeeeeeeeeeah, have a couple and then show us your tax returns for the last two years.

Francis: Wooooooooo! Sangria!

IRS: Come on, show us those tax returns Mr. Francis.

Francis: I'll show you my... drivers license wooooooooo!

IRS: Ah, noooooooo. That doesn't do anything for us.

Francis: I'll show you my... grade ten report card woooooooooo!

IRS: That's great but we really want to see your tax returns for the last two years... come on... more Sangria?

Francis: Sangria woooooooo! Ok, I'll show you guys my... library card WOOOOOOOOO!

IRS: Ahhhhhhh-ha-ha no Mr. Francis, come on, we need more than that... Tell ya what, if you show us those tax returns from the last two years, we'll give you an Internal Revenue Service T-shirt.

Francis: WOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ok, I'll show you my tax returns for the last two years... Oh I hope my lawyer doesn't see this... here you go boys.... you gotta PROMISE you won't show this to anyone else... Ok here goes WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

IRS: Oh yeah Mr. Francis! Very nice, VERY nice!!! That's a lovely pair of tax returns, aren't they a lovely pair of tax returns?

IRS agent 2: Oh yeeeeeeeeah, lovely, lovely... alri-iiiiiight!

IRS: Ah-ha-ha yeah! Ok here's your T-shirt.

Francis: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO... hey, this says "Property of the IRS" on it?

IRS and IRS agent 2: That's right.

Fade to next scene... a jail cell...

Prisoner 25T672R: Hey Mr. Francis, show me your ass.

Francis: What? No way, I know wh...

25t672R: I said SHOW ME BITCH!

Bitch: Yes... daddy.


This has been the story of Joe Francis, 'From boobs to bum rape', as retold by,
Chris Real

Somali adulterer stoned to death

SOMALIA, AFRICA (TS) -- Islamists in southern Somalia have stoned a man to death for adultery but spared his pregnant girlfriend until she gives birth.

This story was brought to my attention by my bro Matt.
I saw this headline and thought I'd find material to write an article about the dangers of marijuana.

Also, I figured I could relate, because I've definitely committed more than my fair share of adultery while stoned.

Then I remembered there are no dangers of smoking marijuana... except it's a total gateway... to Twinkies and 3am pizza.

I decided to check it out anyway... and found a tale so corrupt I had to write about it.

I've always thought of Somalia as a lawless, diseased, civil war torn country, filled with murderers and blood thirsty thieving high seas terrorists... but to know it's also a Devil's playground of rampant infidelity... Well that's pretty disheartening.

Abas Hussein Abdirahman, 33, was killed in front of a crowd of some 300 people in the port town of Merka.

Al-Shabab official Sheikh Suldan Aala Mohamed said Mr Abdirahman had confessed to adultery before an Islamic court.

This story is going to make my fucking spell checker explode.

"He was screaming and blood was pouring from his head during the stoning. After seven minutes he stopped moving," an eyewitness said.

"Just like my first wife" Woody Allen said.

The funny thing is, when the stoning victim met his ripe young Somali tart, he was too shy to even talk to her. I guess he must've got a little boulder.

It's pretty nice of the extremists to allow the baby to be born before they keep on rockin' in the third world, I wonder if they'll give it to the dude's wife, as legally, that sperm belonged to her.

It's a messed up world friends... what ever happened to that sweeter, simpler time when if you wanted to punish a dude for sexual deviance, you'd just cut off his hoo-ha and fry it up?

Love (the one you married or you'll be stuck between a rock and... several other rocks),
Chris Real

Muslim image campaigns suffer after Fort Hood shootings

The tragic shootings at Fort Hood, Texas, by an Arab-American Army psychiatrist, may deal a severe blow to image campaigns launched by Arab and Muslim groups.


See, that's just not fair at all.

An Arab Muslim messes up ONE time and people are over them as an entire race/religion?

Pfft!

I'd like to see you find even one other negative thing any of these people have ever done.















I'm waiting...

Two killed, 6 injured in Orlando shooting

ORLANDO, Florida (TS) -- Two people were killed and six injured by a gunman who opened fire in a high-rise office building in Orlando, Florida, on Friday, local media reported.

No word yet on if Nidal Malik Hasan is going to file a copyright infringement lawsuit or not.

Once again Charlton Heston was unavailable for comment, but we assume it was along the lines of: "Yup yup yup yeeeeeeehaw!"

We've discussed here before how Florida is the dumbest state in the USA, so again the average IQ of the country as a whole rises sliiiiiiiiiiightly.

Look, my American friends, I know your unemployment rate went over 10% for the first time since under Reagan in '83, and yes, if you find a way to do this mass shooting thing daily then eventually that number will drop... but there has to be a better way.

Queens woman cuts off father's penis, cooks it, and kills him

QUEENS, NY (TS) -- The Queens woman who mutilated her father and burned his penis on the stove has been taking a cooking class in jail. Brigitte Harris, who faces up to 15 years in prison for killing her dad when she is sentenced on Friday, also has been biding her time on Rikers Island by reading vampire novels and mysteries.

Well, my work here is done.

Look, I know it seems suspicious, but I swear we do not have this woman on the AreWeTooSoon? payroll.

She's taking a cooking class in prison... this crazy beeyotch knows more about the concept of "Too Soon" than any of us here could ever hope to. Like seriously, what darlin', was the moyle class all filled up?

Ok, so here she is...










Now... her story is she committed this crime because she was sexually abused (yeah right, not even Stevie Wonder would take a run at THAT) by her father, Eric Goodridge... but come on... I think the odds are much better the girl was just hungry... and if the stereotypes are true, she was fixin' to get herself a pretty decent snack.

Ms. Harris reportedly first tried to boil her dad's sausage, but got frustrated after it just kept Bobbitting up and down in the water, so she decided to take more of a Cajun approach.

The thing about cooking a black penis though... how the hell do you know when it's done?????

I wonder if that's covered in prison cooking class. It's kind of a shame Brigitte didn't do this years ago so she could've been rockin' Rikers the same time Martha Stewart was.
Martha could show this budding young cor-dong bleu chef how to take a penis and slice it, dice it, puree it, marinate it, or even turn it into a lovely Wangsgiving Day centrepiece. It's a Goodridge thing.

I usually end these things off with one last witty remark but in honour of Ms. Harris today I will jus

Love,
Chris Real

Man dies while installing TV antenna

MELBOURNE, AUSTRAILIA (TS) -- A man has died after falling from a roof while trying to install a television antenna in Melbourne's north.
Worksafe spokesman Michael Birt says the man in his 40s was trying to fit the antenna at a house in Carrick Drive at Gladstone Park.
Mr Birt says people need to protect themselves from falls.
"Worksafe's investigating this incident and we'll need to find out exactly what's happened and what the circumstances were," he said.
"But what we need the community to do is if they're working at height, whether they're on a building site or doing some work around somebody's house, they need to have fall protection."

This story probably won't get a very good reception.

That's the whole article. That Mr. Birt is BRILLIANT. You can tell how he got his job as Worksafe spokesman.

"Mr. Brit Mr. Brit! Some idiot just fell off his roof and died! What should we tell the people???"

"Hmmmmmmm... Tell them I said they should protect themselves from falls."

"Another home run sir!"


Wait, I just realized this took place in Austrailia... so, for the sake of any Dingo eaters that may join us at this site today:


,,¡ɹıs unɹ ǝɯoɥ ɹǝɥʇouɐ,,

,,˙sllɐɟ ɯoɹɟ sǝʌlǝsɯǝɥʇ ʇɔǝʇoɹd plnoɥs ʎǝɥʇ pıɐs ı ɯǝɥʇ llǝʇ ˙˙˙ɯɯɯɯɯɯɯɥ,,

,,¿¿¿ǝldoǝd ǝɥʇ llǝʇ ǝʍ plnoɥs ʇɐɥʍ ¡pǝıp puɐ ɟooɹ sıɥ ɟɟo llǝɟ ʇsnɾ ʇoıpı ǝɯos ¡ʇıɹq ˙ɹɯ ʇıɹq ˙ɹɯ,,

˙uɐɯsǝʞods ǝɟɐsʞɹoʍ sɐ qoɾ sıɥ ʇoƃ ǝɥ ʍoɥ llǝʇ uɐɔ noʎ ˙ʇuɐıllıɹq sı ʇɹıq ˙ɹɯ ʇɐɥʇ ˙ǝlɔıʇɹɐ ǝloɥʍ ǝɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʇ

˙uoıʇdǝɔǝɹ pooƃ ʎɹǝʌ ɐ ʇǝƃ ʇ,uoʍ ʎlqɐqoɹd ʎɹoʇs sıɥʇ

ǝʌol,
lɐǝɹ sıɹɥɔ

November 5th, 2009 - The Day In Death That Was...

Good evening Too Soonsters,

It seems like today would be a good day for a recap of all that's gone on in our world recently.

So, let's just get into it... here's what's making deadlines in the headlines today:

1 - Thomas P. O'Malley dies at 79; former president of Loyola Marymount University

I met him at a college in Boston Mass
Where I never was a student 'cuz I forgot to enroll-a
The School was called Marymount U
Mount You that's funny but not as funny as Loyola
Lo lo lo Loyola
Lo lo lo Loyola

Anyway, buddy died of a heart attack... moving on...

2 - Brother Blue, a Cambridge icon, dies at 88

Brother Blue... He Need-ED de MON-ey OH!
Wow... not a good day to be a former New England collegian.
His birth name was Hugh Morgan Hill - his death name was not so fortunate.
The rest of the article about him is a total "TLDR", besides, there's obviously more important things to get to. Anyway, buddy "died in his Cambridge home after a brief illness"... moving on...

3 - Club Posh shooting victim dies

Twenty-nine year old John Singleton was shot at the popular Denver club Posh Sunday and died today.
The only thing really notable about this, Mr. Singleton was in fact NOT a member of the Broncos.
Anyway, buddy died of a bullet wound... I assume... moving on...

4 - Naples man dies in jump from train

The body of Dustin Dodge, 25, was found alongside the railroad tracks south of the city at about 5 a.m., after it was spotted by BNSF Railway personnel.
Ashes to ashes, Dustin to dust. Anyway, buddy died so he wouldn't have to read a horrible pun made by me... good call... moving on...

5 -

um...

5 -

Dammit, that's really all that happened today... pretty weak crop, sorry all.

Tomorrow, hopefully will be a better day in the world of death and Killeen... er I mean killing... Jeebus where did THAT come from????

Love,
Chris Real

It's Official... AC/DC Fans Are Douchebags

Winnipeg Man Jailed For Stabbing Guy Who Didn't Like AC/DC

A 37-year-old Winnipeg man has been sentenced to four years in jail and three years of probation after he stabbed a man who insultedAC/DC.

According to the Winnipeg Sun, James Ivison invited a 22-year-old man to his room at a Furby Street rooming house in October 2008. After they had a few beers, the man started insulting AC/DC, which Ivison was playing at the time. He then started questioning Ivison's sexual orientation.

Ivison responded by stabbing the victim, who had grabbed a frying pan, three times in the chest and two times in the stomach with a kitchen knife.

Yowza. Where do I even begin with this one? A guy gets stabbed for dissing AC/DC. In other words, a guy gets stabbed for having TASTE.

Let's see, if someone can get stabbed for not liking AC/DC, then by all means people should also get stabbed for not liking the following:

AIDS, Hitler, H1N1, George W. Bush, country music, incest, liver, bank service fees, telemarketers, herpes, ex-girlfriends, Kathie Lee Gifford, Bill O'Reilly, a kick to the groin, etc.

Sloan once had a line in a song, "It's not the band I hate, it's their fans." This is certainly the case with AC/DC. AC/DC are great at what they do, but the kind of fans they attract could generally be mistaken for being extras in Deliverance or Fubar. This story is no exception.

The world is truly heading down a highway to hell...

-JJ Ramone

Kanye's "Message to the troops"

Guns don't kill people...

...wacked out guys in military uniforms from Fort Hood in Killeen Texas (with fucking GUNS, you idiots) kill people.

Charlton Heston was unavailable for comment, but we assume it was along the lines of "Yip yip Yippeeeeee!"

Phillies fan dies following ballpark hit-and-run

PHILADELPHIA, PA (TS) -- A Philadelphia man has died of injuries sustained when he was hit by a car outside Citizens Bank Park during a Phillies playoff game.

Talk about adding insult to injury. (which happens to be my specialty so - RAWK!)

From the linked article:
Philadelphia police say 42-year-old Nicholas Medora died Wednesday night at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital after falling into a coma.
Police say Medora was drinking with a group of men in a parking lot during the Phillies' National League Championship Series-clinching win over the Los Angeles Dodgers on Oct. 21.

The Phillies, who died their own horribly embarrassing death last night, were unavailable for comment, although sources close to the organization say they are attempting to track down the driver... to sign him for the 2010 season, as they are obviously in need of both more hits and runs.

This the most exciting story that has anything to do with baseball since... well, ever.

"We want a batter,
Not a stiff cadaver!
We want a pitcher
Not a...

Not a...

Um not a... DAMMIT!"

Do over.

"We want a catcher,
Not a grass patcher!
We want a fielder,
Not a non-yielder!"

Medora will be grounded out permanently this weekend.

Love,
Chris Real

Quick question...

Do you think Jerry Seinfeld, Adam Sandler, Woody Allen, or Jon Stewart - knowing the history of their people - would ever agree to be a victim of a comedy roast?

Carl Ballantine dies at 92; comedy magician was in 'McHale's Navy' cast

LOS ANGELES, CA (TS) -- Carl Ballantine, the "amazing" comedy magician and character actor who was part of the World War II PT boat crew on the 1960s sitcom "McHale's Navy," has died. He was 92.

I know, I have NO idea either.

Things I'd never heard of and had to look up in order to write this:

1 - Carl Ballantine
2 - McHale's Navy
3 - "Amazing comedy magician"

Ballantine, pictured here 36 hours after he died, passed away in his sleep of age-related causes Tuesday at his home in the Hollywood Hills.

This has gotten no more interesting.

I'll be honest here, I just didn't want the kid that died in the clothes dryer post to be the first one people would see when they visited this site... I actually feel kinda bad about that one.

Love,
Chris Real

Boy, 14, charged as adult in clothes-dryer murder of 4-year-old

MENDOTA, CA (TS) -- A 14-year-old suspect in the murder of a 4-year-old boy found drowned and then stuffed into a clothes dryer in Mendota, California, has been charged as an adult, authorities said Tuesday.

The suspect's name is Raul Renato Castro, and during an interview with investigators, the teenager said he lured his four year old neighbour into his apartment last Friday, by telling him he had something to show him. He then proceeded to molest the child, before trying to drown him in a bathtub, and then stuffing him in a dryer to die.

FUCK.

I'm sorry that's such a graphic account, but I couldn't bring myself to do a fluff piece on this one.

There is no way to put a positive spin on this news cycle.

Well, except to say it's a good thing 14 year old Castro's parents had full laundry facilities in their home, because to do something like this at a laundromat would've cost like six bucks. That's murder.

According to this article:
Castro's grandmother did come to his defense.
"I feel terrible. He was a nice kid. I don't know that happened this time," she says.

Which brings us to another AreWeToonSoon? PSA:

All old people are clueless.

When the family of the victim was contacted, they were inconsolable, even when reminded they would save money on the funeral as they could buy a smaller coffin... even smaller than you might think for a 4 year old, as their son had shrunk a full two inches.

This kid apparently considered his killer a trusted friend... so at the time of his death, he knew of at least two types of circles he didn't want to travel in again.

Still no word on whether they ever found that lost sock as well.

Love,
Chris Real

The Too Soon Dead Slut Series - Vol. 2

Welcome friends to the second installment of AreWeTooSoon?'s series celebrating dead famous skanks. Despite this breed's penchant for checking out early and doing so in uber-Too Soon worthy fashion, this is hardly a species in danger of being put on the endangered list.

I have one of these on Lindsay Lohan ready to go that I was hoping to put up this week but either the woman is part cockroach or someone out there is making bionic cocaine... maybe by Christmas if we're lucky.

So in this installment we'll pay tribute to Anna Nicole Smith... which is really a bit of a cop out because I can copy and paste most of our Marilyn Monroe piece, change some names, add some fat jokes and I'm done.

Before we get in to talking about the life of this talentless disaster of a gold-digging bimbo (oh DAMMIT I just summed it up already), I will issue an apology...

I wanted to have this piece posted a bit quicker this morning, but when looking for a picture to accompany it, well... Let's just say doing a Google image search for "dead Anna Nicole Smith" um... distracted me for about seven minutes.

Anna's life:

Anna was born Vicky Lynn Hogan in Harris Co, TX, on November 28, 1967.

Then in high school she grew boobs, dropped out of high school at 17, showed those boobs a lot, sucked on some 90 year old wang for a couple months, got half a billion dollars, and died of a prescription drug overdose on February 8th, 2007.

Ah, the American dream personified. Oh wait, she also got really fat. NOW it's the American dream personified.

Smith appeared in Playboy, then parlayed the media attention from that into getting roles in a few major motion pictures no one ever saw and a lot of DVDs many did. Other than that, she starred in her own "reality" TV show, The Biggest Loser, oh wait that might not be right...

Smith also appeared in a series of ads for the animal rights Nazi-funded group PETA, after apparently mixing Champagne with Valium and accidentally mistaking herself for Pamela Anderson.

There will be a movie made about Anna Nicole in the near future starring Willa Ford... Yum... Willa Ford... Um yeah Ok time to wrap this up to go see if I can find any new hilarious deaths to tell you about... I'll start looking... in seven minutes.

Love,
Chris Real

U.S. serviceman dies in shooting at Mexican strip club

MEXICO (TS) -- A U.S. serviceman was among six victims of an early morning shooting at a Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, strip club Wednesday, officials said.

I know what some must think when they come to this site: "Is nothing sacred to these arseholes? Little girls crushed by TVs? , A high school cheerleader dying? , Innocent novelty shop owners murdered at work? Have they no limits????"

Well, as it turns out, we do. Every day we are made aware of brave military personnel making the ultimate sacrifice to defend low gas pri... um I mean freedom from tyranny, but we leave that alone. Stories of human beings bravely putting their lives on the line in a foreign land oceans away is not cool. Making light of it would be even less cool.

THIS story, this story is not like that. :-)

This story comes from the Mexican border town of Ciudad. That's pronounced SEE you dad, which gives me two reasons to be grateful:
1 - The guy had no kids, because that's a fast ball right over the plate I would have had to swing at.
2 - I can make a comment about how that was the last thing this soldier ever heard, right after asking the question, "Am I your daddy?"

Now I wouldn't go feeling too sorry for this dude. I don't know if you've ever been in a Mexican peeler bar - I have, and I assure you death by gun shot is literally in list of the top five most PLEASANT ways your evening is going to end.

The name of this fallen horno, I mean hero, is Sgt. David Booher, age 26. Which reminds me... Remember kids, no matter how nasty a stripper is, NEVER boo her.

This is a Mexican border city known for rampant drug-related violence. (as opposed to those Mexican cities NOT known for that *cue eye roll*) It is for this reason the military specifically prohibits any personnel from entering the city. There is even a memorandum posted at Sgt. Booher's base in Fort Bliss (I know I know, but I have other stuff to get to) in Texas.

Buddy should've El Passo'd on this road trip offer.

In a beautiful gesture, many of the girls that work at the club will be eating nothing but extra bean burritos all day tomorrow, so that at his funeral on Friday, they can send him off like the noble soul he was...


...with a 21 bum salute.

Love,
Chris Real