Thursday, January 28, 2010

J.D. Salinger, author of 'Catcher in the Rye', dies

NEW YORK (TS) -- J.D. Salinger, the legendary author, youth hero and fugitive from fame whose "The Catcher in the Rye" shocked and inspired a world he increasingly shunned, has died. He was 91.

I like, never read 'Catcher In the Rye' - I feel bad about that, but slightly better knowing that means I have only read one less J.D. Salinger novel than anyone else.

I did rent the straight to DVD 'Catch Her In the Eye' (thanks Rude Dude) from Uncle Knuckle Children's House of Horny once. I really enjoyed that movie for its themes of alienation and rebellion... and what might be considered by most to be an excessive amount of violent anal penetrations.

Twitter is atwitter with this shocking news... I'm not sure how a 91 year old dying is "shocking" news but on Twitter anything is possible. It's a damn good thing J.D. didn't die in Haiti, or else the internets would get exploded.

Salinger died of natural causes, it started with a bad Caulfield, that just kept Holden on.

After writing 'Catcher In the Rye', Salinger became very reclusive, leading to talks to star in a movie with Dave Chappelle, and the opportunity to record a couple guitar tracks on 'Chinese Democracy'.

Was Salinger Buckethead? Of course that's never been confirmed, but the answer is, "Obviously".

You see there's actually a song on 'Chinese Democracy' called 'Catcher In the Rye'... and Axl himself is a famous recluse. I should not have to explain this to you douche nozzles!

J.D. Salinger... what the fuck? I feel bad for calling Pernell Roberts death a boring one.

Just to try to get a bit more content in this piece, even though it's in no way related (just like everyting else in this piece), Barack Obama gave his first State of the Union address last night, meaning he's made it through one year of being president, meaning I owe a lot of people a lot of beers.

Here's hoping if the next "celeb" death has to be an author, it's Danielle Steele.

Chris Real

Confirmed: Remains Are Metallica Fan Morgan Harrington

One tragic chapter closes, another begins. Virginia State Police on Wednesday confirmed that the human remains found in a Virginia hayfield earlier this week have been conclusively identified as belonging to Virginia Tech student Morgan Harrington, 20, who went missing from a Metallica concert in Charlottesville on Oct. 17.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand the collective IQ of the planet rises ever so slightly.

This girl's death style, determines my laugh style. Her death style, determines my laugh style-yuh!

Finally a heavy metal death that can't be blamed on a band's lyrics. Of course, if this was suicide, the death could still be easily blamed on the last three albums worth of Metallica music... which I have dubbed "Nerf Metal".

No word on if this girl's World of Warcraft character lives on...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Pernell Roberts, 'Bonanza' and 'Trapper John' star, dies

Los Angeles, CA (TS) -- Actor Pernell Roberts, who played the eldest Cartwright brother in TV's "Bonanza," died after suffering pancreatic cancer at his Malibu, California, home Sunday at 81, his lawyer said.

Younger TV viewers may remember Roberts from the lead role in "Trapper John, M.D.," a medical drama that aired on CBS for seven years, ending in 1986.

Now here was a true television pioneer. Mr. Roberts went from starring in a show that explored the icky sub-culture of gay cowboys way before 'Brokeback Mountain', to starring as a pretentious fuckhead doctor in an overly dramatic series that was quickly forgotten after it was canceled and no one gives a dump about anymore way before 'House'.

Pernell's Wiki article states that: "He was known for his activism, which included participation in the Selma to Montgomery marches in 1965, and pressuring NBC to refrain from hiring whites to portray minority characters."

Well, duh... even the whitest man in the world is gonna raise da roof and give a "what what" AND a "hoo-a hoo-a" for this cause if you name him Pernell. It's a miracle he didn't change his last name to Freeman.

Roberts was married four times - fueling speculation he contracted pancreatic cancer on purpose.

During his time on 'Bonanza', Roberts recorded Come All Ye Fair and Tender Ladies, a folk album with a Vivid movie title. I haven't heard it, but most reviews of the record seem to indicate the porno has more artistic merit... and better vocals.

I'm giving up on this entry, my apologies, it's boring... which I suppose is a most fitting tribute to this man and his body of work anyway.

Someone interesting will die soon... I have faith - you all have faith as well. Keep hope (and nothing else) alive.

Chris Real

Monday, January 25, 2010

Making the Best of a Bad Situation - New Travel Poster!

Appearing on Trash TV Will Kill You

G'day you sick, depraved fucktards, you lowest of the low of human garbage, who get some form of disgusting joy basking in the misery and misfortune of others...

Thanks for stopping by! Enjoy!

“All My Children” Actor James Mitchell Dies at 89

Like sands through the hourglass, these were the last days of this old geezer's life. It was Friday when James saw the Guiding Light.

Mitchell died at Cedars Medical Center in Los Angeles, proving the guy has NO sense of humour what so ever since LA General Hospital is like 5 minutes from there.

Sources close to the "actor" are still not certain it was Mitchell himself who kicked off, or whether it was his evil twin, Johan - who disappeared from a lavish charity event thrown by the family three years ago and has been rumoured to now be a diamond smuggler is Peru - with sexy results.

ABC, the network that broadcasts "All My Children", may now cancel the show, in favour of a more urban, street cred worthy next generation of soap opera - reportedly starring former NBA stars. The show is to be called "Deez All My Children?".

Popular Milwaukee TV Priest Jakubek Dies

Funeral services were held over the weekend in Omaha for the Reverend Gene Jakubek, who died last Tuesday at age 87. He was known for his TV show “The Answer is Love” – as well as his spiritual retreats, lectures, and counseling sessions.

Like all good TV evangelists, Jakubek admitted in the 80's to having an affair with a woman 25 years younger than him. Fuck, no wonder these A-holes believe in miracles.

Jakubek claimed on a weekly basis to be friends with the Lord, but when the Lord was asked to comment on his supposed buddy, he commented, "Who?" before adding, "Oh, that's that douchebag from Milwaukee right? That prick owes me millions of dollars!"

That's right, God uses words like douchebag and prick, I laughed too.

'Survivor:Palau' alum Jennifer Lyon dies at age 37

Jennifer Lyon, who finished in fourth place on the "reality" show Survivor's tenth season, died at her home in Oregon yesterday.

This sucks - I'm trying to think of some humour I can extract out of this Survivor contestant dying, but I'm coming up completely empty. This person who appeared on Survivor didn't die funny death, her name (which many know from her time on the show Survivor) isn't an interesting one to make fun of, and this Survivor contestant has never been in trouble with the law, either before, or after, her stint on Survivor.

The tribe has spoken, and they say this death is borrrrrrrr-iiiiiiing.

Soap operas, reality TV, and televised church - three of the big four of useless TV. If Tony Danza coulda died this week as well we'd have a high score.

Chris Real

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Haitian Relief Compilation Album

Once again, popular music artists have come together in an effort to help those in remote parts of the world after a tragedy - much like they did in the 80's for Africa, when the biggest pop names of the time realized there was an entire continent without any Pizza Hut franchises.

AreWeTooSoon? has got the inside scoop on the artists and songs that will appear on the soon to be released Haitian charity album, 'We Were Part of the World'.

The track list is below, but before we get to that, let me pass along our heartfelt apologies for missing out on Brittney Murphy - why any celeb would die over the holidays is beyond me... that's just bad form.

This earthquake thing though, is almost as tragic, so here goes.

We Were Part of the World - Official track listing

1 - Bill Haley - 'Shake, Rattle, and Roll'

2 - John Mellancamp - '(When the walls come) Crumblin' Down'

3 - Carole King - 'I Feel the Earth Move'

4 - Toad the Wet Sprocket - 'Walk on the Ocean'

5 - Metro Station - 'Shake It'

6 - The Used - 'Smother Me'

7 - The Mamas and the Papas - 'California Dreaming'

8 - The Ramones - 'Here Today Gone Tomorrow'

9 - Lyle Lovett - 'If I Had a Boat'

10 - Little Mermaid OST - 'Under the Sea'

11 - REM - 'Feeling Gravity's Pull'

12 - REM - 'Fall On Me'

13 - Crystal Gayle - 'Our Love is on a Fault Line'

14 - Siouxie and the Banshees - 'Cities In Dust'

15 - Lionel Ritchie - 'Dancing on the Ceiling'

16 - The Arctic Monkeys - 'From Ritz to Rubble'

17 - Jerry Lee Lewis - 'Whole Lotta Shakin' Going On'

18 - Three Dorrs Down - 'Duck and Run'

19 - INXS - 'Disappear'

How about that REM stepping up with TWO songs? Global citizens in the truest sense of the word.

Please, upon this album's release, purchase a copy. Let's get it to at least number 7 on the charts, maybe even 7.2
(You can skip the song by The Used, The Used sucks)


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Bengals Wide Receiver Chris Henry Dies After Falling From Truck

Charlotte-Mecklenburg, NC (TS) -- Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry died Thursday from injuries sustained in a Wednesday fall from the back of a pickup truck. He was 26.

Betcha thought we'd disappeared.

Hells no... just waiting on something big... for a really big name in the world of music, movies, or sports to knock off.

Chris Henry will have to do.

So much grief and sorrow going down on Twitter today... just imagine how much worse it would be if any of these people had ever met the guy... or at least had him on their fantasy team.

Chris Henry gets points for originality as he will always be known as "the NFL guy that DIDN'T die by gun shot".

According to the linked article, Henry died after falling from a truck after getting all "Bengal" (that means committing assault) on his wife, and trying to jump on a truck she was driving away in to escape Mr. Tough Guy.

Of course, it's no surprise Henry checked out early, he was never that good at going long.

As he was a Bengal, his dying before the NFL playoffs start reduces his chances to play in this year's Super Bowl by... zero percent.

Chris Henry's main contribution to society will now and forever be, the people of the world thanking him for disrupting Tiger Woods coverage for 20 minutes.

The funeral was originally going to be the Super Bowl halftime show, but the NFL was unable to reschedule the funeral for The Who's career.

Mourners are encouraged to donate to the "Maybe don't fall off a truck you knob" accident prevention fund... but the family reminds people to give a bit more than they oridinarily would, as Henry's agent still gets 15% of the haul.

In the interest of levity, I'll end with a joke.

What's the difference between Chris Henry and AreWeTooSoon?

AreWeTooSoon? can say "It's good to be back."

Hutt hutt,
Chris Real