700-Pound Man Dies After Being Removed From Chair

GREENWOOD, SC (TS) -- A 700-to 800-pound man died in the hospital on Wednesday after spending more than seven months confined to a chair in his home, according to documents from the Greenwood Sheriff’s Office.
Deputies found Daniel Webb covered in sores, with a “very bad odor", and stuck to a chair. The report said EMS workers had to dismantle the chair in order to free Webb.

What a tragic Webb we weave, when first we grow big as Tel Aviv.

Maybe Tel Aviv is not the best reference, since I highly doubt religion or anything else stopped ol' Dan from eating pork... or ham... or bacon... or Looney Tunes VHS cassettes with Porky Pig on the cover... or a rabbi...

Fuck it, it rhymed.

At an estimated 700-800 lbs, Dan Webb just about cracked the list of top 2,000,000 fattest Americans.

Authorities had prior knowledge that they would be recovering the body of a human being "covered in sores and with a very bad odor", but were shocked when they saw a big dead fat guy, as they assumed they were being dispatched to Black Eyed Peas singing sensation Fergie's house.
Instead they found Dan's lumps, his lumps, his bloated lifeless humps.

A couple years ago Dan Webb in a desperate attempt to lose weight, wrote to Richard Simmons, but when he first met the fitness guru, even Simmons conceded defeat and in fact did even more damage to Webb's self esteem, reportedly telling Webb, "You're so fat and gross, I'm barely going to be able to have sex with you."

Dan's parents were unable to be reached for comment, but might perhaps have a statement ready when they get back from their trip to their son's colon.

Fuckin' fatty.

Love,
Chris Real