Ok, so I'll let ya in on a little trick of the Too Soon trade.
You might ask yourself, how do they keep coming up with all this amazing Too Soon material? Well, I don't know why you'd ask yourself... you obviously have no idea if that's the case.
Here's my strategy... Step 1 - Go to Google News. Step 2 - search "dies". Step 3 - Scroll. Step 4 - Let the hilarity ensue.
I swear, it's easier than cleaning a Slap Chop.
HOWEVER, over the past couple days, I've found myself having to wade through a whole bunch of H1N1 deaths that are all the exact same. "Perfectly healthy blah blah blah"/"Started getting sick last week blah blah blah"/"Donations can be made in the name of his or her family to Drake Meat Processors research department blah blah blah".
Nothing to write home... or here, about.
I did learn the country of Turkey had their health minister urge the Turkish pubic to not kiss for five months to prevent the spread of Swine Flu, and that's pretty funny I guess.
Still, have you ever seen people from Turkey? Not pretty, it really should be a law of the land to begin with. That's it though, no celeb Swine Flu (Rosie O'Donnell, Roseanne, Oprah... all of these Swine Flu deaths would be GREAT for our business... If we don't see one of these by this Thursday I'll be even more convinced there's no God), no big political names, no mass suicides by a cult called 'People of the Pig' in an effort to free their souls so they may live for eternity in a perfect pork-free Utopia... nutin'.
So the dilemma we at AreWeTooSoon? face here is, all of these H1N1 deaths provide less comedy material than an evening with Brett Butler, but we can't very well ignore, and risk missing all together, one of the biggest news stories of the year...
...and then I saw it.
Like a beam of depraved light, it appeared before my eyes... I rubbed those eyes, squinted, turned away for a moment and looked back to make sure it was really there.
Toronto Teenage Hockey Player Dies From Swine Flu
Now, I don't follow hockey, but I have friends that do, and they assure me ANY time the words "hockey" and "Toronto" appear together in a headline there is humour to be found. They also inform me the accompanying article will always detail grim death.
So apparently one more hockey player in Toronto that won't be around for this season's playoffs isn't exactly earth shattering... still... here it is:
Thirteen year old Evan Frustaglio died yesterday after fainting in the bathroom of his home. ("Be sure to mention that Toronto hockey is ALWAYS in the toilet" - done.)
Meh I dunno, I just don't get this hockey-related humour... the whole thing has me kinda nostalgic for SARS, to tell the truth.
I guess I'll just wrap this up with a passage from the linked article:
Symptoms of H1N1, or swine flu, may include difficulty breathing, discoloration of the lips, drowsiness, crankiness and not wanting to be held.
Gotcha. Swine Flu = being on the rag. Here I thought this whole time that was more Mad Cow Disease.
H1N1 - You are ON NOTICE... start pulling your weight around here, or risk no more publicity from us.
Love,
Chris Real
No comments:
Post a Comment