Super Demise Me

They say too much fast food can kill you... props to these people for proving that thesis true, even if they weren't really trying.

1 - McDonald's worker dies of 'overwork': officials
Somehow I knew when I read this headline this wouldn't be about a McDonald's in North America. My first thought was, "These are people that need to ask what kind of McNugget sauce you want at the drive-thru speaker and AGAIN at the window, before forgetting it altogether anyway" - so mental exhaustion wouldn't be an issue. Also, the repetitive nature of wrapping cheeseburgers might not be good on the carpal tunnel front, but it isn't physically demanding enough to be life threatening to even the fattest, laziest, pimply-faced America kid. (also, they don't even have to press the drink button down until the cup is full, it's a one touch technological wonder!)

Nope, "This has to a story from somewhere else, probably Japan, those crazy bastards" I quipped to myself before clicking on the story.

Damn I'm good.

The Japanese female McDonald's employee collapsed and died back in October '07, but this story took WAY longer to come out because it was a special order.
"Yeah, I'll have one hilarious fast food employee death story, with no conjunctive adverbs please."
It's a good thing they kept this woman under a heat lamp so they could perform the autopsy two years later.
Death from over work actually has it's own word in Japan, "karoshi", which is not to be confused with "karaoke", which is defined as death by drunk chicks thinking they can sing.

The woman has since been replaced by a robot.

2 - Troy Smith, founder of Sonic Corp, dies
Further proof that when it comes to the fast food industry, no one can compete with McDonald's, as this story isn't near as funny. I've never had a Sonic burger, but I've seen the commercials - they suck. No creepy clown, no big purple monster (fun fact "Grimmace" would make a great nickname for a wang), and no one going "robble robble robble robble". Weak.

Sonic was just about to unviel a series of new signs at each of their 8 locations around the world that boasted "dozens and dozens served", but they couldn't afford them. In fact, at the time of his death, Troy Smith was playing McDonald's Monopoly every day hoping to win so the franchise would see the beginning of the next fiscal year.

3 - Two men charged with Burger King murder face additional felonies
Mohamed S. Abdulkadir, 21, and Abdi A. Mohamed, 24, were each charged with aiding and abetting robbery for the Aug. 21 incident involving Donta Boelter. The shooting took place in the east parking lot of the Burger King at 1320 W. Second St. in Grand Island at about 9:30 p.m.

I guess we should count ourselves lucky it was only a shooting and they decided against flying planes into said Burger King. I will take an order of onion rings, medium root beer, and a Whopper with extra JIHAD!!!!!

This goes to prove that mechanically separated meat by-products ARE murder.

There's your Too Soon fast food feast of the day, you want dies with that?

Love,
Chris Real