Lots of dead wieners to get to today.
1 - Ex-state senator and ambassador to Sweden dies
Ok first off, why anyone names anyone from Texas ambassador to anywhere is beyond me.
"So senator, what did you learn on your fact finding trip to Sweden?"
"Well, first thang's they y'all talk funny like, and secondly, they almost never shoot nothin', and forthly, while they don't have any oil reserves, I did notice many gas stations that I assume have a good supply left in them underground tanks, I say we bomb 'em back to the stoneage!"
"You mean, bomb them back to modern day San Antonio?"
"Hell yeah!"
His name was Teel Bivins, a man George W. Bush calls "dear friend and a great man." putting him in such illustrious company as Dick Cheney, Mike Brown, and Osama bin Laden (before that whole little incident a few years ago).
His body died at 61, outlasting his brain by decades, which perished the day he became a member of the Republican party.
2 - Waseca health administrator dies after contracting H1N1
This one writes itself.
3 - Man shot at Yakima Halloween party dies
34-year-old Jason Baldoz died in hospital from bullet wounds sustained at a Halloween party just outside of Seattle this weekend. Serves him right for showing up WAY too fucking early.
4 - Chief bodyguard of Pope John Paul II dies
You'll have to forgive my ignorance here... I am not a Catholic... mostly due to my desire to have premarital sex (with LEGAL human beings, of the OPPOSITE sex) and my fondness for eating whatever I damn well please regardless of day of the week...
So, Pope John Paul II, that's the one that got shot right? So, this dude, Camillo Cibin is his name, was the Pope's body guard when this happened? Man, Mr. Cibin better hope there really is no afterlife, because if there is, I have to assume the Pope knows some people, and I bet this dude's name ain't on the list. St. Peter strikes me as a total prick of a bouncer (yeah I know, as opposed to the other kind), and slipping him a $20 probably isn't gonna do much good.
This job sluffing slacker then is responsible for the Pope-mobile, the ugliest, slowest, most useless vehicle not made by Chevy of all time. I remember when the Pope-mobile first came out... all those Vatican-based hot rod magazines featuring a seductively posed 9 year old boy on the hood. Looking back, I guess that was kind of creepy.
5 - GeoCities Dies
Now this is sad. I remember when my loser friend made his first GeoCities personal website. Every bump of the awesome hit counter he imported was like a little hug... you could almost hear him think, "maybe Grandma IS right, maybe I AM handsome and popular".
Then every other douche decided they deserved one of these sites as well... and all was lost.
The end of GeoCities was only a matter of time... today, there's Facebook, so never again do you have to worry someone might not know how much you love John Woo movies or how important the 12th line of Megadeth's 'Hangar 18' is to your life.
Oh yeah, and your Hot or Not account needs updating.
That's all for now kids. Remember, all life is precious...
...and all death is potentially hilarious.
Love,
Chris Real
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