Nic Cage's dad, August Coppola dies at 75

"Daddy, daddy, why did you have to leave me? And why am I covered in frosty chocolate milkshake?"

August Coppola, a former literature professor who was the father of actor Nicolas Cage and brother of filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola and actress Talia Shire, has died. He was 75.

Coppola died Tuesday in Los Angeles after suffering a heart attack, Cage's publicist, Annett Wolf, said Thursday.

What? Bitch didn't even have his OWN publicist?!?!?!?

This is not news.

They SAY it was heart attack that caused Mr. Coppola to be Gone In 60 Seconds and took him to the City of Angels with the Kiss of Death, but this has to be suicide... the amount of reasons this guy had to off himself are as staggering as his son on a coke binge.

AreWeTooSoon? will mention a few of the more hilarious ones:

1 - Inferiority complex
Brother: Rich and famous director, Sister: Rich and famous actress, Kid: Rich and famous actor that got to bang Patricia Arquette, Himself: Comparative lit teacher
The dude effed himself though, because now he has to wait until one of these people also checks out so he can start sponging and living the good afterlife.

2 - Tactile Dome
He helped create this interactive sensory exhibit at the Palace of Fine Arts' Exploratorium in San Francisco. Ok, so maybe not suicide, but accidental death from boredom

3 - August
His name is fucking AUGUST. It's a miracle he made it out of Grade eight.

4 - "Moneyfinger"
I'm sure August was a proud poppa, and any time one of his son's movies was on TV, he watched. Quite recently TBS ran a Nic Cage-a-thon. If he's anything like me, every Goddamn time they have some goof overdub the word the "moneyfinger" or "motherfather" or some other bastardized version of the stellar word "motherfucker", I want to suffocate a kitten. Fact: Nic Cage says "motherfucker" in his movies a lot. Poor August probably just snapped.

5 - Good will
Perhaps Mr. Coppola was something of a visionary and on some level knew there wouldn't be a whole lot of solid Too Soon material on this fine Friday.
That's one smart moneyfinger.

Love,
Chris Real