Everyone bow your heads and close your eyes.Too Soon Jesus, we thank you for this bounty we are about to receive, a novelty shop owner, are you frickin' kidding me?????
Also, please watch over us and keep us safe.
Just us though. Peace homie.
PONTIAC, Mich. (TS) - A man has been arrested in the stabbing death of an Oakland County novelty store owner.
John Martin Cox, a man who's last name I would make fun of mercilessly if there wasn't so much more material to get to, was found Thursday afternoon dead from 12 stab wounds to the back, neck, forearms and hands. Cox was reported to be shocked they made knives out of something other than hollow rubber.
Police got on the scene to discover blood, vomit, and feces... and that was just the top shelf of aisle 3. The police found lots of evidence, and have assured the family they won't just sit on it, most likely because that evidence would make a loud fart sound if they did.
Police have a suspect they are looking for, described as a 5'11' Caucasian with thick black rimmed glasses, a huge nose, and a Groucho Marx moustache and eyebrows, and is most likely intoxicated from drinking two beers at once, situated on each side of his head. He may also be wearing a shirt with what at first appears to be a Burger King logo, but at closer inspection actually says "Bonger King".
Police say there's a strong possibility the perpetrator may be trying to flee to San Fransisco, but are confident they will find him, and are able to keep up the search day and night using their very newly attained lava lamp technology.
Come Monday, the "I got shanked in Michigan and all I got was this stupid T-shirt" is expected to be a hot seller.
Love,
Chris ReOH I GET IT! BONGER KING!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA Like for stoners and shit. Sweet.
Love,
Chris Real
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