The Too Soon Dead Slut Series - Vol. 2

Welcome friends to the second installment of AreWeTooSoon?'s series celebrating dead famous skanks. Despite this breed's penchant for checking out early and doing so in uber-Too Soon worthy fashion, this is hardly a species in danger of being put on the endangered list.

I have one of these on Lindsay Lohan ready to go that I was hoping to put up this week but either the woman is part cockroach or someone out there is making bionic cocaine... maybe by Christmas if we're lucky.

So in this installment we'll pay tribute to Anna Nicole Smith... which is really a bit of a cop out because I can copy and paste most of our Marilyn Monroe piece, change some names, add some fat jokes and I'm done.

Before we get in to talking about the life of this talentless disaster of a gold-digging bimbo (oh DAMMIT I just summed it up already), I will issue an apology...

I wanted to have this piece posted a bit quicker this morning, but when looking for a picture to accompany it, well... Let's just say doing a Google image search for "dead Anna Nicole Smith" um... distracted me for about seven minutes.

Anna's life:

Anna was born Vicky Lynn Hogan in Harris Co, TX, on November 28, 1967.

Then in high school she grew boobs, dropped out of high school at 17, showed those boobs a lot, sucked on some 90 year old wang for a couple months, got half a billion dollars, and died of a prescription drug overdose on February 8th, 2007.

Ah, the American dream personified. Oh wait, she also got really fat. NOW it's the American dream personified.

Smith appeared in Playboy, then parlayed the media attention from that into getting roles in a few major motion pictures no one ever saw and a lot of DVDs many did. Other than that, she starred in her own "reality" TV show, The Biggest Loser, oh wait that might not be right...

Smith also appeared in a series of ads for the animal rights Nazi-funded group PETA, after apparently mixing Champagne with Valium and accidentally mistaking herself for Pamela Anderson.

There will be a movie made about Anna Nicole in the near future starring Willa Ford... Yum... Willa Ford... Um yeah Ok time to wrap this up to go see if I can find any new hilarious deaths to tell you about... I'll start looking... in seven minutes.

Love,
Chris Real

U.S. serviceman dies in shooting at Mexican strip club

MEXICO (TS) -- A U.S. serviceman was among six victims of an early morning shooting at a Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, strip club Wednesday, officials said.

I know what some must think when they come to this site: "Is nothing sacred to these arseholes? Little girls crushed by TVs? , A high school cheerleader dying? , Innocent novelty shop owners murdered at work? Have they no limits????"

Well, as it turns out, we do. Every day we are made aware of brave military personnel making the ultimate sacrifice to defend low gas pri... um I mean freedom from tyranny, but we leave that alone. Stories of human beings bravely putting their lives on the line in a foreign land oceans away is not cool. Making light of it would be even less cool.

THIS story, this story is not like that. :-)

This story comes from the Mexican border town of Ciudad. That's pronounced SEE you dad, which gives me two reasons to be grateful:
1 - The guy had no kids, because that's a fast ball right over the plate I would have had to swing at.
2 - I can make a comment about how that was the last thing this soldier ever heard, right after asking the question, "Am I your daddy?"

Now I wouldn't go feeling too sorry for this dude. I don't know if you've ever been in a Mexican peeler bar - I have, and I assure you death by gun shot is literally in list of the top five most PLEASANT ways your evening is going to end.

The name of this fallen horno, I mean hero, is Sgt. David Booher, age 26. Which reminds me... Remember kids, no matter how nasty a stripper is, NEVER boo her.

This is a Mexican border city known for rampant drug-related violence. (as opposed to those Mexican cities NOT known for that *cue eye roll*) It is for this reason the military specifically prohibits any personnel from entering the city. There is even a memorandum posted at Sgt. Booher's base in Fort Bliss (I know I know, but I have other stuff to get to) in Texas.

Buddy should've El Passo'd on this road trip offer.

In a beautiful gesture, many of the girls that work at the club will be eating nothing but extra bean burritos all day tomorrow, so that at his funeral on Friday, they can send him off like the noble soul he was...


...with a 21 bum salute.

Love,
Chris Real

Founder of San Diego Comic-Con dies at 76

SAN DIEGO, CA (TS) — Sheldon Dorf, who founded the world famous Comic-Con International comic book convention, has died. He was 76.

This is great, I don't even have to fake sadness on this one. A dead geek. This is *Marvel-ous.

*I'll mention right now, I know the trend in these entries is to take references from the dead person's career and turn them into delicious puns, but Marvel is literally the ONLY comic book reference I know, although I may be able to fit "Up and Atom" in here somewhere, but that's not technically related to comic books. So I apologize in advance for a youth obviously wasted focused on interacting with others, getting laid and staying under 300lbs.

Anyway...

Dork, whoops I mean Dorf... that might happen a lot, was a comic strip letterer who founded Comic-Con in San Diego in 1970 after moving from Detroit. He had diabetes and had been hospitalized for about a year before dying... and I highly doubt he'll be brought back in a future issue as some sort of reconstructed uber-powerful nerd. (I admit, I just Wiki'd Superman... I need to get SOME content in here)

My very solid guess is that he is not survived by a wife or any children.

The convention Dor... F (caught myself that time) founded attracts an average of 125,000 people dressed in various versions of "dateless retard" costumes a year.

Look for a new video to sweep the nation called 'Dorf on Death' (thanks again, Zubazz)

Hey I just realized Sheldon is a more worthy name to make fun of then Dorf... dammit, this guy's not worth my time to do a re-write.

Sheldon's last will and testament requested that his body be placed in a sealable Mylar plastic bag with a firm alkali-buffered backer board, and then stored in an acid-free storage box in a cool, dry, dark location. (but he'll probably end up forgotten about and discarded, left to yellow and crinkle and rot somewhere)

Poor Sheldon, there is no more action in that figure. (not that there ever really was)

Love,
Um I mean Up and Atom,
Chris Real

Maine Rejects Same-Sex Marriage

AUGUSTA, ME (TS) -- Maine voters rejected a law allowing same-sex couples to marry in a closely fought referendum that saw unexpectedly high turnout. Rolling back the law is a setback for gay-rights advocates and makes Maine the third state in which residents reversed their government's decision to permit gay marriages.

Interesting.

Homosexuals in the Pine Tree State can no longer wed their Maine squeeze.

I guess voters just refused to get behind the idea... maybe they were tired of being the butt of jokes. How anal can those silly buggers be?

Can you tell me how to get, how to get Too Sooname Street

AreWeTooSoon? celebrates the 40th anniversary of Sesame Street today with this retrospective:

Mr. Hooper - We hardly knew ya

Harold Hooper (1910-1983) was a character on Sesame Street played by Will Lee (1908-1982).
I hope everyone is as confused as I am how the producers of Sesame St. squeezed an extra year out of the character a full six years before Weekend At Bernie's technology was perfected.

Making the character two years younger than the actor I understand... fucking Hollywood glamorizing youth again.

The character Mr. Hooper died of AIDS after living with a notorious yellow faced fag-hag that would never kick Fabio out of bed for eating cookies and... oh whoops, that's from a different Sesame Street piece I'm working on.

The cause of Hooper's death is unknown, the actor himself was hooped by heart disease.

AreWeTooSoon? contacted Hooper's long-time friend Big Bird for a comment:
"Not a day goes by where I don't think about Mr. Looper." Bird goes on to say, "Mr. Cooper and I became very close, so close we were talking about staring in a Snuffy film together... poor Mr. Looper."

The character of Hooper was very popular with children, but not so much by the writers of the show, as evidenced in the episode Christmas Eve on Sesame Street, where it is revealed Hooper is in fact Jewish.

On the show, Mr. Hooper's Store kept the same name after Lee suffered two, TWO massive coronaries AH AH AH!, but it was taken over by David. The producers were originally going to merge Hooper's Store with the Fix-It Shop owned by Luis and Maria Rodriguez, but decided against it as they were already concerned they might take some heat from presenting the unfair stereotype that Latinos in America own their own businesses.

Mr. Hooper/Will Lee - Two Too Soons for the price of one. Mr. Hooper's Store is a bargain bonanza.

This piece has been brought to you by the letters D, O, and A, the number 13, and is made possible by grants and by viewers like you!

Ala peanut butter sandwiches,
Chris Real

Weds Nov 4th. 2009 Too Soon Bit-its and Bite-its

Mornin' Too Soon-sters!

We have to start today with a retraction.

Last week, while covering the death of Nic Cage's dad August, a self-published comment appeared in this blog:
The dude effed himself though, because now he has to wait until one of these people also checks out so he can start sponging and living the good afterlife.
Well, all I can do is apologize for this ill-conceived comment, because as it turns out, Nicolas Cage is broke. In fact, he's selling off some of his prized possessions, including his mansion, cars, and a creepy rubbery-looking version of John Travolta's face. (That one will fetch a lot at an auction, as it is the second creepiest thing in the world, behind only Travolta's real face) By the way, time for another AreWeTooSoon? PSA:

If you become a Scientologist, your child will die.

Write that down.

Now, my best advice for Nic Cage is, whenever I feel a bit of a financial pinch, I just ask my father for some mon... um, never mind.

Otay, on with the show:

1 - Author of 'Life and Death in Shanghai' dies at 94
His name was Nien Cheng. Having not ever read or even heard of his most famous book... a book who's title now has a completely irrelevant first word, I was one letter off guessing his last name after merely reading the headline.
The book apparently chronicles the author's mother and her struggle against communist Red China's oppression of free thinkers in the 60's.
Um... so this has NOTHING to do with Owen Wilson at all? Pass.

2 - NYU death plunge
A 20-year-old NYU student leaped to his death yesterday from a 10th-floor balcony in the school's library -- becoming at least the eighth student at the Greenwich Village university to commit suicide since 2003.

At LEAST the 8th? I take it no one at NYU majors in record keeping. I realize 8 suicides in 6 years is a pretty high number for what is obviously a fine institution of higher... at least 10 floors higher learning, but it still seems well within the realm of being able to count to an exact number... even for Americans.
The new NYU library slogan, "Our stories can be checked out, but please don't check out using our storeys."

3 - Lady Gaga's arrival makes photographer fall to death
Quoted directly from the linked article:
Celebrity photographer AJ Sokalner suffered a massive heart attack and died at the ACE Awards Gala held Tuesday after he saw popstar Lady Gaga donning a black lace-up headpiece (widow-esque black veil) at NYC’s Cipriani 42nd Street, where she was being honored with the Stylemaker Award.

Well... that is a tragedy and all, but thank Jeebus the true tragedy was averted, as the good people that penned this article still managed to report what this fashion trend-setter starlet was wearing. There was no picture included, neither of the dead dude or Gaga herself, but it sounds as though she can wear the same outfit to the funeral.
(Ok, that's a joke... making light of the recently deceased is one thing... but wearing the SAME outfit to two events in a row??? That's fashion suicide - nothing funny about that... unless fashion jumped out of a ten storey NYU library)

Also from the article:
According to a fellow photographer who was on the scene when the accident happened, the gang was packing up and ready to leave when the man fell and hit his head on the concrete.
Greeeeeeeat... now that leaves me having to decide whether to coin the term "splatterazzi" or "paparazzi-smear".

Imma go think about which one is best.

Love,
Chris Real

Rihanna "Humiliated" by Leaked Photo After Attack

Rihanna is quoted as saying in this story she is "Humiliated" by the infamous photo.

For no other reason than to let anyone who may not have seen this picture understand what she is referring to, we will post it here:

Pretty nasty stuff hey? You can see why she feels the way she does about the photo... I mean, just look at it...
Your heart really has to go out to the poor girl, never knowing where and when she might have to see this:

It's all just...

...really tragic.
Here's hoping she never has to see this...

...ever again.