Transsexual Los Angeles TImes Sportswriter Mike Penner Dies at 52

The world of sports journalism has lost an esteemed member today with the reports of Los Angeles Times writer Mike Penner dying at the age of 52 today. Sadly, Mike Penner lost a member of his own a few years ago when he became a trannsexual, even writing under the name of Christina Daniels.

The Los Angeles Times reports:

"Mike Penner, a longtime Los Angeles Times sportswriter who made headlines in 2007 when he announced that he was transsexual, has died. He was 52.

Penner was pronounced dead Friday evening at Brotman Medical Center in Culver City, a Los Angeles County coroner's official said.

The cause of death has not been determined but was believed to be suicide.

'Mike was a first-rate journalist, a valued member of our staff for 25 years, and we will miss him,' Times Editor Russ Stanton said. 'He respected our readers a great deal, enough to share with them his very personal journey. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family.'

A versatile member of The Times' sports staff, Penner covered the Olympics, the Angels, World Cup soccer, tennis, sports media and a variety of other assignments."

Indeed, Penner was certainly "versatile," particularly in his choice of clothing. Penner will no doubt go down in history as the most famous cross dresser in the sports world this side of Dennis Rodman. But I doubt Penner ever shagged Carmen Elektra. Although there is a good chance "Christina Daniels" gave Eddie Murphy a good rim job back in the day.

There is speculation that Penner's death was a suicide. Regardless, Penner's game of life ended in sudden death overtime.

So R.I.P. Mike Penner. This world may have been harsh for you, but at least you can now join "fellow" trannsexual Bea Arthur in that great big cabaret in the sky. Oh... our fact checker here at Are We Too Soon has just informed me that Bea Arthur was actually a woman. Bloody hell. :-)

- JJ Ramone

Census worker hanging a suicide

LEXINGTON, KY (TS) — A U.S. census worker found dead in a secluded Kentucky cemetery killed himself but tried to make the death look like a homicide, authorities have concluded.

Now here's a dude that takes his job WAY too seriously.

Like, just because he counted ONE over...

AreWeTooSoon? is taking a break for the weekend...

Instead, read this:

http://www.saskforum.ca/blogs/chris-real/we-dont-cheer-for-this-team-because-its-in-our-city-81/

GO RIDERS!!!!!!

700-Pound Man Dies After Being Removed From Chair

GREENWOOD, SC (TS) -- A 700-to 800-pound man died in the hospital on Wednesday after spending more than seven months confined to a chair in his home, according to documents from the Greenwood Sheriff’s Office.
Deputies found Daniel Webb covered in sores, with a “very bad odor", and stuck to a chair. The report said EMS workers had to dismantle the chair in order to free Webb.

What a tragic Webb we weave, when first we grow big as Tel Aviv.

Maybe Tel Aviv is not the best reference, since I highly doubt religion or anything else stopped ol' Dan from eating pork... or ham... or bacon... or Looney Tunes VHS cassettes with Porky Pig on the cover... or a rabbi...

Fuck it, it rhymed.

At an estimated 700-800 lbs, Dan Webb just about cracked the list of top 2,000,000 fattest Americans.

Authorities had prior knowledge that they would be recovering the body of a human being "covered in sores and with a very bad odor", but were shocked when they saw a big dead fat guy, as they assumed they were being dispatched to Black Eyed Peas singing sensation Fergie's house.
Instead they found Dan's lumps, his lumps, his bloated lifeless humps.

A couple years ago Dan Webb in a desperate attempt to lose weight, wrote to Richard Simmons, but when he first met the fitness guru, even Simmons conceded defeat and in fact did even more damage to Webb's self esteem, reportedly telling Webb, "You're so fat and gross, I'm barely going to be able to have sex with you."

Dan's parents were unable to be reached for comment, but might perhaps have a statement ready when they get back from their trip to their son's colon.

Fuckin' fatty.

Love,
Chris Real

Edward Zold - AIDS activist - dies of AIDS

SAN (SURPRISE!) FRANSISCO, CA (TS) -- In the early, battle-heavy days of AIDS and HIV activism, Edward Zold was a young man who knew how to hold his own against the country's most prominent public health and government leaders.

Mr. Zold died Nov. 4 at his home in San Francisco, after living with AIDS for many years. He was 38.

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Looks like the quilt just got a little warmer, just in time for winter too. Even in death, Mr. Zold is still giving.

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As you know, AIDS is a disease that kills mostly homosexual men and drug addicts. For this reason, AIDS is known to southern Evangelicals as a "Gift from God".

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Mr. Zold was a prominent AIDS activist, much as I would become a prominent anti-harpoon activist if I had one lodged in my abdomen.

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Mr. Zold was instrumental in getting a lot of AIDS research funding passed, but was unsuccessful in his campaign to get the colour of the AIDS ribbon changed even though, as he said, "I can never wear anything orange becauthe it clashes eeeeewwwwweeeeee."

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Young Edward rallied people to his cause by pointing out that 87% of people over 65 have AIDS. he left out that these were hearing AIDS, digestion AIDS, band-AIDS, and Rol-AIDS.

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Edward Zold, although you have left us, your accomplishments live on, AIDS affects us all.

Jenny from Forrest Gump had AIDS. I loved that part of the movie where Forrest says "I may not be a smart man Jenny, but I know what antiretrovial preventive medication is."

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The Jonas Brothers have AIDS.

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I hope.

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There is a lot of fear of AIDS in the world now that it has been scientifically proven you can get AIDS from a public toilet seat or by sharing lipstick .

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Rest in peace Edward Zold... and wherever you are remember, no matter how much he asks, don't play UNO with Ryan White, the guy cheats like you wouldn't believe.

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We are the champions, my friend,

Chris Real

Suspect charged with murder in slaying of gay teen in Puerto Rico

San Juan, Puerto Rico (CNN) -- The suspect in the brutal slaying of a gay teenager in Puerto Rico was charged Wednesday with first-degree murder and four other counts, the prosecutor in the case told CNEND.

Juan A. Martinez Matos was arrested late Monday in connection with the slaying of Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado, whose decapitated, dismembered and partially burned body was found Friday afternoon on a road in central Puerto Rico.

Well... that woulda been messy. It would've taken a lot of spik and Span to clean it up.

Funny, Mr. Lopez never had any problems with giving a little head before.

My issue is, Peurto Ricans are naturally flamboyant, and they love parades... it's possible this guy wasn't gay at all.

Yes, three sentences, three stereotypes... not my fault though, the article started it, Martinez and Lopez???? Are you kidding me? Who here DOESN'T think if there were witnesses we'd be seeing a Perez, a Fernandez, and if they were really thinking outside the box (which Mr. Lopez was prone to do), a Ruiz. The Peurto Rican peop... I mean press are notoriously lazy and just type the first name that pops in their head.

Sucks for Lopez (amazingly, no pun intended) that he'll miss next year's Cinco de Guy-O celebration.

The killing itself wasn't even about Mr. Lopez's sexual orientation, it was actually a drug dispute probably.

The article states the body was partially burned... Fa-LAAAAAAA-ming!

Y'know, I just remembered how funny the gay Peurto Rican dude on the Soup Nazi and The Sponge episodes of Seinfeld was.
"Was joo talkin to heem? 'Cuz joo was obvusly talkin to one of us, so who, WHO, who wajoo talkin to?"

Crap, now I feel bad.

Sorry gang (again no pun intended), I lost my head there for a motherFUCKER!

May joo rest in peace, headless hearse man.

Love,
Chris Real

Inmate dies after wheelchair fall at S. Ind. jail

JEFFERSONVILLE, IN (TS) -- Authorities say an inmate diagnosed with major depression and schizophrenia died after falling from his wheelchair and hitting his head on the floor at a southern Indiana jail.
Sixty-six-year-old Preston Shaw was being held on a sexual battery charge at the Clark County Jail in Jeffersonville when he fell Friday, then died the following day.

Well, it's not like this is the first Crip to die in the slammer, and now he doesn't ever again have to deal with Clark bars.

So... is this like considered a mass suicide then? Were ALL of his personalities majorly depressed? How many did he have? Was it a whole bunch or just a pair-o-plegics?

The article states:
Shaw was a nursing home resident when he was charged with abusing a female patient who was unable to speak or move.

So? She sounds hot.

Besides, at least he was still a "Man in motion"

So, this Jeffersonville con will be movin' on down as soon as the local undertaker can get the ramp leading into his grave built.

I can see a new horizon
underneath the blazin' sky,
Chris Real