RI Girl dies after contracting H1N1

LINCOLN, R.I. (TS) —State health officials said Tuesday the 12-year-old Lincoln girl who died over the weekend tested positive for swine flu.



This is sad.

Now this young lady, Skyla J. Reposa-Alves, will never get to go to her high school prom.
(Ah who are we trying to kid, it's not like she was going anyway)

'Westernized' Daughter Dies After Being Run Over by Father

PEORIA, AZ (TS) - An Arizona woman allegedly run over by her Muslim father for becoming "too Westernized" has died.

Noor Faleh Almaleki, 20, clung to life for nearly two weeks after being run down by her father's car.

Her Iraqi father, SoDads Insane, had felt his daughter had become too assimilated to American culture, so he decided to teach her a lesson by punishing her with unnecessary violence... oh, the irony.

SoDads Insane first started getting worried about his daughter when he would catch her watching 'Seinfeld' marathons, and put posters of Adam Sandler and Barbara Streisand up in her room.
It seems after a couple years of watching his girl play video games while listening to the Jonas Brothers and stuffing her face with jalapeno chips and microwavable burritos, SoDads finally snapped when his daughter announced she was changing her name to Hannah bin Montana.

The final straw was when Noor was photographed by paparazzi getting out of a cab and revealing she was wearing no panties under her birka.

SoDads' worst fears were now realized, and he started suffering from a common condition known as Iraqnaphobia, leading him to this awful, awful(ly funny) crime.

Sodads has been extradited to Dirkadirkastan until his trial.

SoDads four other kids, all sons who play varsity baseball, work at McDonald's, and love Coca-Cola and apple pie and bald eagles and Disneyland, were unharmed.

Love,
Chris Real

Georgia Aquarium beluga dies on visit to Sea World

ATLANTA (TS) — Georgia Aquarium officials say a beluga whale has died unexpectedly while on a temporary stay at Sea World in San Antonio.


"Hey kids, come on, sing along!"

Big dead beluga from the ATL
Now he's off to beluga hell
He swam in his last Sea World show
Never shoulda gone to San Antonio

Oh Big dead beluga
Big dead beluga
Did you get too old?
Is your body cold?
Well talk about a dead pool

Big dead beluga never made a sound
Woulda been funny if he fuckin' drowned
Not gonna make it to San Diego
With that hole that just won't blow!

(Everybody!)

Big dead beluga
Oh Big dead beluga
Did you get too old?
Is your body cold?
Well stop your blubbering

Big dead beluga
Oh Big dead beluga
Did you get too old?
Is your body cold?
Eskimos are goiiiiiiiiing... tooooooooo... eeeeeaaaaaaat yooooouuuuuuuuuuu...

"Hey, you're beautiful, no give YOURSELVES a round of applause, you did a whale of a job!"

2-Year-Old Dies From Getting Tangled in Drapery Cord

DAMASCUS, Md. - A Montgomery County boy died this weekend when he became tangled in drapery cords. It could happen in any home but there are ways to avoid a similar tragedy in your home.

An AreWeTooSoon? PSA:

Don't be blind to dangers in the home... or it'll be curtains for you.

'Father of China space programme' dies: state media

Beijing (TS) Qian Xuesen, the man widely regarded as the father of China's nuclear missile and space programmes, has died at the age of 98, state-run Xinhua news agency said on Saturday.

Do not feer sad for Qian Xuesen, for this is an individuar that accomprished more in his 98 years than most courd ever dream.

By the age of 7, Xuesen had arready made it as first arternate on the Chinese women's Orympic gymnastics team. After retiring from competition at the age of 10, Qian focused his attention in other areas, first by growing a bitchin' Fu Manchu and then taking what he managed to save of the 8 cents an hour he had earned working 19 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 5 years stitching up Air Jordans and opening up his first of three raundrymats.

After a few years he got out of the raundry business and focused on his next business venture, a Chinese food restaurant (I know, I did NOT see that coming either).

He ran that restaurant with ruv for decades... he rivved, breathed, and srept that restaurant, going so far as one night when his wife asked for a 69, he got out of bed and started cooking up some beef and broccori.

Then one day he was the director of the Jet Propulsion Raboratory because the government said he was.

Then a couple days ago he died.

For a man to accomprish this much... despite the obvious handicaps of not being able to drive and having a hirariousry tiny penis...

Well, that just deserves some respect.

Ruv,
Chris Real

Steve Miller Band Member Norton Buffalo Dies at 58

Norton Buffalo, a singer-songwriter and the harmonica player for the Steve Miller Band since 1975, died Friday, Oct. 30, at the age of 58. Buffalo first wrote about being diagnosed with lung cancer in September after feeling ill following a concert.

No one called him a space cowboy, no one called him the gangster of love, I'm guessing more than a few people called him Maurice (woo woooooooo) because the importance of remembering a harmonica player's name ranks right up there with the importance of the word "pompetous" in the English language... Maurice is better than "Mr. Buffalo" anyway.

Norton's music took him from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to a coma...

...Philadelphia, Atlanta, L.A...

Well, no, Steve Miller's music did that for Mr. Buffalo... and while Steve took the money and ran, Norton heard a "who?" every time he introduced himself.

Looks like time kept on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the present this time around for this Abra-abracadaver.

Way to die like an eagle Mr. Buffalo. (eagles commonly die of lung cancer right? I'm pretty sure that's what I read somewhere, so that line is AWESOME!)

When Miller was asked yesterday if he thought the band could possibly continue on without Buffalo, he erupted into a fit of laughter that at the time of this writing was just finally simmering down into the "light chuckle" phase.

I guess Harmonica Power! isn't quite as powerful as some might have hoped. Someone put John Popper on notice... they're comin' for him next.

Love,
Chris Real

A "Too Soon" Classic Joke:

Why didn't JFK Jr. shower before flying?


He decided to just wash up on shore.