Too Soon?

J.D. Salinger, author of 'Catcher in the Rye', dies

2010-01-28T11:03:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK (TS) -- J.D. Salinger, the legendary author, youth hero and fugitive from fame whose "The Catcher in the Rye" shocked and inspired a world he increasingly shunned, has died. He was 91.

I like, never read 'Catcher In the Rye' - I feel bad about that, but slightly better knowing that means I have only read one less J.D. Salinger novel than anyone else.

I did rent the straight to DVD 'Catch Her In the Eye' (thanks Rude Dude) from Uncle Knuckle Children's House of Horny once. I really enjoyed that movie for its themes of alienation and rebellion... and what might be considered by most to be an excessive amount of violent anal penetrations.

Twitter is atwitter with this shocking news... I'm not sure how a 91 year old dying is "shocking" news but on Twitter anything is possible. It's a damn good thing J.D. didn't die in Haiti, or else the internets would get exploded.

Salinger died of natural causes, it started with a bad Caulfield, that just kept Holden on.

After writing 'Catcher In the Rye', Salinger became very reclusive, leading to talks to star in a movie with Dave Chappelle, and the opportunity to record a couple guitar tracks on 'Chinese Democracy'.

Was Salinger Buckethead? Of course that's never been confirmed, but the answer is, "Obviously".

You see there's actually a song on 'Chinese Democracy' called 'Catcher In the Rye'... and Axl himself is a famous recluse. I should not have to explain this to you douche nozzles!

J.D. Salinger... what the fuck? I feel bad for calling Pernell Roberts death a boring one.

Just to try to get a bit more content in this piece, even though it's in no way related (just like everyting else in this piece), Barack Obama gave his first State of the Union address last night, meaning he's made it through one year of being president, meaning I owe a lot of people a lot of beers.

Here's hoping if the next "celeb" death has to be an author, it's Danielle Steele.

Love,
Chris Real

Confirmed: Remains Are Metallica Fan Morgan Harrington

2010-01-28T07:38:00.000-08:00

One tragic chapter closes, another begins. Virginia State Police on Wednesday confirmed that the human remains found in a Virginia hayfield earlier this week have been conclusively identified as belonging to Virginia Tech student Morgan Harrington, 20, who went missing from a Metallica concert in Charlottesville on Oct. 17.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand the collective IQ of the planet rises ever so slightly.

This girl's death style, determines my laugh style. Her death style, determines my laugh style-yuh!

Finally a heavy metal death that can't be blamed on a band's lyrics. Of course, if this was suicide, the death could still be easily blamed on the last three albums worth of Metallica music... which I have dubbed "Nerf Metal".

No word on if this girl's World of Warcraft character lives on...

Pernell Roberts, 'Bonanza' and 'Trapper John' star, dies

2010-01-26T09:48:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles, CA (TS) -- Actor Pernell Roberts, who played the eldest Cartwright brother in TV's "Bonanza," died after suffering pancreatic cancer at his Malibu, California, home Sunday at 81, his lawyer said.

Younger TV viewers may remember Roberts from the lead role in "Trapper John, M.D.," a medical drama that aired on CBS for seven years, ending in 1986.

Now here was a true television pioneer. Mr. Roberts went from starring in a show that explored the icky sub-culture of gay cowboys way before 'Brokeback Mountain', to starring as a pretentious fuckhead doctor in an overly dramatic series that was quickly forgotten after it was canceled and no one gives a dump about anymore way before 'House'.

Pernell's Wiki article states that: "He was known for his activism, which included participation in the Selma to Montgomery marches in 1965, and pressuring NBC to refrain from hiring whites to portray minority characters."

Well, duh... even the whitest man in the world is gonna raise da roof and give a "what what" AND a "hoo-a hoo-a" for this cause if you name him Pernell. It's a miracle he didn't change his last name to Freeman.

Roberts was married four times - fueling speculation he contracted pancreatic cancer on purpose.

During his time on 'Bonanza', Roberts recorded Come All Ye Fair and Tender Ladies, a folk album with a Vivid movie title. I haven't heard it, but most reviews of the record seem to indicate the porno has more artistic merit... and better vocals.

I'm giving up on this entry, my apologies, it's boring... which I suppose is a most fitting tribute to this man and his body of work anyway.

Someone interesting will die soon... I have faith - you all have faith as well. Keep hope (and nothing else) alive.

Love,
Chris Real

Making the Best of a Bad Situation - New Travel Poster!

2010-01-25T14:39:00.000-08:00

Appearing on Trash TV Will Kill You

2010-01-25T10:46:00.000-08:00

G'day you sick, depraved fucktards, you lowest of the low of human garbage, who get some form of disgusting joy basking in the misery and misfortune of others...

Thanks for stopping by! Enjoy!

“All My Children” Actor James Mitchell Dies at 89

Like sands through the hourglass, these were the last days of this old geezer's life. It was Friday when James saw the Guiding Light.

Mitchell died at Cedars Medical Center in Los Angeles, proving the guy has NO sense of humour what so ever since LA General Hospital is like 5 minutes from there.

Sources close to the "actor" are still not certain it was Mitchell himself who kicked off, or whether it was his evil twin, Johan - who disappeared from a lavish charity event thrown by the family three years ago and has been rumoured to now be a diamond smuggler is Peru - with sexy results.

ABC, the network that broadcasts "All My Children", may now cancel the show, in favour of a more urban, street cred worthy next generation of soap opera - reportedly starring former NBA stars. The show is to be called "Deez All My Children?".

Popular Milwaukee TV Priest Jakubek Dies

Funeral services were held over the weekend in Omaha for the Reverend Gene Jakubek, who died last Tuesday at age 87. He was known for his TV show “The Answer is Love” – as well as his spiritual retreats, lectures, and counseling sessions.

Like all good TV evangelists, Jakubek admitted in the 80's to having an affair with a woman 25 years younger than him. Fuck, no wonder these A-holes believe in miracles.

Jakubek claimed on a weekly basis to be friends with the Lord, but when the Lord was asked to comment on his supposed buddy, he commented, "Who?" before adding, "Oh, that's that douchebag from Milwaukee right? That prick owes me millions of dollars!"

That's right, God uses words like douchebag and prick, I laughed too.

'Survivor:Palau' alum Jennifer Lyon dies at age 37

Jennifer Lyon, who finished in fourth place on the "reality" show Survivor's tenth season, died at her home in Oregon yesterday.

This sucks - I'm trying to think of some humour I can extract out of this Survivor contestant dying, but I'm coming up completely empty. This person who appeared on Survivor didn't die funny death, her name (which many know from her time on the show Survivor) isn't an interesting one to make fun of, and this Survivor contestant has never been in trouble with the law, either before, or after, her stint on Survivor.

The tribe has spoken, and they say this death is borrrrrrrr-iiiiiiing.

Soap operas, reality TV, and televised church - three of the big four of useless TV. If Tony Danza coulda died this week as well we'd have a high score.

Love,
Chris Real

Haitian Relief Compilation Album

2010-01-14T08:55:00.000-08:00

Once again, popular music artists have come together in an effort to help those in remote parts of the world after a tragedy - much like they did in the 80's for Africa, when the biggest pop names of the time realized there was an entire continent without any Pizza Hut franchises.

AreWeTooSoon? has got the inside scoop on the artists and songs that will appear on the soon to be released Haitian charity album, 'We Were Part of the World'.

The track list is below, but before we get to that, let me pass along our heartfelt apologies for missing out on Brittney Murphy - why any celeb would die over the holidays is beyond me... that's just bad form.

This earthquake thing though, is almost as tragic, so here goes.

We Were Part of the World - Official track listing

1 - Bill Haley - 'Shake, Rattle, and Roll'

2 - John Mellancamp - '(When the walls come) Crumblin' Down'

3 - Carole King - 'I Feel the Earth Move'

4 - Toad the Wet Sprocket - 'Walk on the Ocean'

5 - Metro Station - 'Shake It'

6 - The Used - 'Smother Me'

7 - The Mamas and the Papas - 'California Dreaming'

8 - The Ramones - 'Here Today Gone Tomorrow'

9 - Lyle Lovett - 'If I Had a Boat'

10 - Little Mermaid OST - 'Under the Sea'

11 - REM - 'Feeling Gravity's Pull'

12 - REM - 'Fall On Me'

13 - Crystal Gayle - 'Our Love is on a Fault Line'

14 - Siouxie and the Banshees - 'Cities In Dust'

15 - Lionel Ritchie - 'Dancing on the Ceiling'

16 - The Arctic Monkeys - 'From Ritz to Rubble'

17 - Jerry Lee Lewis - 'Whole Lotta Shakin' Going On'

18 - Three Dorrs Down - 'Duck and Run'

19 - INXS - 'Disappear'

How about that REM stepping up with TWO songs? Global citizens in the truest sense of the word.

Please, upon this album's release, purchase a copy. Let's get it to at least number 7 on the charts, maybe even 7.2
(You can skip the song by The Used, The Used sucks)

Love,
AreWeTooSoon?

Bengals Wide Receiver Chris Henry Dies After Falling From Truck

2009-12-17T10:21:00.000-08:00

Charlotte-Mecklenburg, NC (TS) -- Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry died Thursday from injuries sustained in a Wednesday fall from the back of a pickup truck. He was 26.

Betcha thought we'd disappeared.

Hells no... just waiting on something big... for a really big name in the world of music, movies, or sports to knock off.

Chris Henry will have to do.

So much grief and sorrow going down on Twitter today... just imagine how much worse it would be if any of these people had ever met the guy... or at least had him on their fantasy team.

Chris Henry gets points for originality as he will always be known as "the NFL guy that DIDN'T die by gun shot".

According to the linked article, Henry died after falling from a truck after getting all "Bengal" (that means committing assault) on his wife, and trying to jump on a truck she was driving away in to escape Mr. Tough Guy.

Of course, it's no surprise Henry checked out early, he was never that good at going long.

As he was a Bengal, his dying before the NFL playoffs start reduces his chances to play in this year's Super Bowl by... zero percent.

Chris Henry's main contribution to society will now and forever be, the people of the world thanking him for disrupting Tiger Woods coverage for 20 minutes.

The funeral was originally going to be the Super Bowl halftime show, but the NFL was unable to reschedule the funeral for The Who's career.

Mourners are encouraged to donate to the "Maybe don't fall off a truck you knob" accident prevention fund... but the family reminds people to give a bit more than they oridinarily would, as Henry's agent still gets 15% of the haul.

In the interest of levity, I'll end with a joke.

What's the difference between Chris Henry and AreWeTooSoon?

AreWeTooSoon? can say "It's good to be back."

Hutt hutt,
Chris Real

Happy World AIDS Day!!!!

2009-12-01T13:08:00.000-08:00

Your friends at AreWeTooSoon? would like to wish a happy World AIDS Day... to AIDS. Thanks for being so good for business.

This poor dude below... it's a good thing he has AIDS, because he simply could not make this statement if he had cancer.
Anyway, thank you AIDS - we know you will have a long and prosperous future... at least until the overly pretentious politically correct bandwagon jumping douchebag sect realizes that wearing a stupid little red ribbon might add to an inflated sense of self satisfaction, but it isn't exactly helping anything but the stupid little red ribbon industry.

Love,
AreWeTooSoon?

Transsexual Los Angeles TImes Sportswriter Mike Penner Dies at 52

2009-11-30T19:04:00.000-08:00

The world of sports journalism has lost an esteemed member today with the reports of Los Angeles Times writer Mike Penner dying at the age of 52 today. Sadly, Mike Penner lost a member of his own a few years ago when he became a trannsexual, even writing under the name of Christina Daniels.

The Los Angeles Times reports:

"Mike Penner, a longtime Los Angeles Times sportswriter who made headlines in 2007 when he announced that he was transsexual, has died. He was 52.

Penner was pronounced dead Friday evening at Brotman Medical Center in Culver City, a Los Angeles County coroner's official said.

The cause of death has not been determined but was believed to be suicide.

'Mike was a first-rate journalist, a valued member of our staff for 25 years, and we will miss him,' Times Editor Russ Stanton said. 'He respected our readers a great deal, enough to share with them his very personal journey. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family.'

A versatile member of The Times' sports staff, Penner covered the Olympics, the Angels, World Cup soccer, tennis, sports media and a variety of other assignments."

Indeed, Penner was certainly "versatile," particularly in his choice of clothing. Penner will no doubt go down in history as the most famous cross dresser in the sports world this side of Dennis Rodman. But I doubt Penner ever shagged Carmen Elektra. Although there is a good chance "Christina Daniels" gave Eddie Murphy a good rim job back in the day.

There is speculation that Penner's death was a suicide. Regardless, Penner's game of life ended in sudden death overtime.

So R.I.P. Mike Penner. This world may have been harsh for you, but at least you can now join "fellow" trannsexual Bea Arthur in that great big cabaret in the sky. Oh... our fact checker here at Are We Too Soon has just informed me that Bea Arthur was actually a woman. Bloody hell. :-)

- JJ Ramone

Census worker hanging a suicide

2009-11-24T12:26:00.000-08:00

LEXINGTON, KY (TS) — A U.S. census worker found dead in a secluded Kentucky cemetery killed himself but tried to make the death look like a homicide, authorities have concluded.

Now here's a dude that takes his job WAY too seriously.

Like, just because he counted ONE over...

AreWeTooSoon? is taking a break for the weekend...

2009-11-20T09:39:00.000-08:00

Instead, read this:

http://www.saskforum.ca/blogs/chris-real/we-dont-cheer-for-this-team-because-its-in-our-city-81/

GO RIDERS!!!!!!

700-Pound Man Dies After Being Removed From Chair

2009-11-19T10:15:00.000-08:00

GREENWOOD, SC (TS) -- A 700-to 800-pound man died in the hospital on Wednesday after spending more than seven months confined to a chair in his home, according to documents from the Greenwood Sheriff’s Office.
Deputies found Daniel Webb covered in sores, with a “very bad odor", and stuck to a chair. The report said EMS workers had to dismantle the chair in order to free Webb.

What a tragic Webb we weave, when first we grow big as Tel Aviv.

Maybe Tel Aviv is not the best reference, since I highly doubt religion or anything else stopped ol' Dan from eating pork... or ham... or bacon... or Looney Tunes VHS cassettes with Porky Pig on the cover... or a rabbi...

Fuck it, it rhymed.

At an estimated 700-800 lbs, Dan Webb just about cracked the list of top 2,000,000 fattest Americans.

Authorities had prior knowledge that they would be recovering the body of a human being "covered in sores and with a very bad odor", but were shocked when they saw a big dead fat guy, as they assumed they were being dispatched to Black Eyed Peas singing sensation Fergie's house.
Instead they found Dan's lumps, his lumps, his bloated lifeless humps.

A couple years ago Dan Webb in a desperate attempt to lose weight, wrote to Richard Simmons, but when he first met the fitness guru, even Simmons conceded defeat and in fact did even more damage to Webb's self esteem, reportedly telling Webb, "You're so fat and gross, I'm barely going to be able to have sex with you."

Dan's parents were unable to be reached for comment, but might perhaps have a statement ready when they get back from their trip to their son's colon.

Fuckin' fatty.

Love,
Chris Real

Edward Zold - AIDS activist - dies of AIDS

2009-11-19T06:35:00.000-08:00

SAN (SURPRISE!) FRANSISCO, CA (TS) -- In the early, battle-heavy days of AIDS and HIV activism, Edward Zold was a young man who knew how to hold his own against the country's most prominent public health and government leaders.

Mr. Zold died Nov. 4 at his home in San Francisco, after living with AIDS for many years. He was 38.

Looks like the quilt just got a little warmer, just in time for winter too. Even in death, Mr. Zold is still giving.

As you know, AIDS is a disease that kills mostly homosexual men and drug addicts. For this reason, AIDS is known to southern Evangelicals as a "Gift from God".

Mr. Zold was a prominent AIDS activist, much as I would become a prominent anti-harpoon activist if I had one lodged in my abdomen.

Mr. Zold was instrumental in getting a lot of AIDS research funding passed, but was unsuccessful in his campaign to get the colour of the AIDS ribbon changed even though, as he said, "I can never wear anything orange becauthe it clashes eeeeewwwwweeeeee."

Young Edward rallied people to his cause by pointing out that 87% of people over 65 have AIDS. he left out that these were hearing AIDS, digestion AIDS, band-AIDS, and Rol-AIDS.

Edward Zold, although you have left us, your accomplishments live on, AIDS affects us all.

Jenny from Forrest Gump had AIDS. I loved that part of the movie where Forrest says "I may not be a smart man Jenny, but I know what antiretrovial preventive medication is."

The Jonas Brothers have AIDS.

I hope.

There is a lot of fear of AIDS in the world now that it has been scientifically proven you can get AIDS from a public toilet seat or by sharing lipstick .

Rest in peace Edward Zold... and wherever you are remember, no matter how much he asks, don't play UNO with Ryan White, the guy cheats like you wouldn't believe.

We are the champions, my friend,

Chris Real

Suspect charged with murder in slaying of gay teen in Puerto Rico

2009-11-18T19:42:00.000-08:00

San Juan, Puerto Rico (CNN) -- The suspect in the brutal slaying of a gay teenager in Puerto Rico was charged Wednesday with first-degree murder and four other counts, the prosecutor in the case told CNEND.

Juan A. Martinez Matos was arrested late Monday in connection with the slaying of Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado, whose decapitated, dismembered and partially burned body was found Friday afternoon on a road in central Puerto Rico.

Well... that woulda been messy. It would've taken a lot of spik and Span to clean it up.

Funny, Mr. Lopez never had any problems with giving a little head before.

My issue is, Peurto Ricans are naturally flamboyant, and they love parades... it's possible this guy wasn't gay at all.

Yes, three sentences, three stereotypes... not my fault though, the article started it, Martinez and Lopez???? Are you kidding me? Who here DOESN'T think if there were witnesses we'd be seeing a Perez, a Fernandez, and if they were really thinking outside the box (which Mr. Lopez was prone to do), a Ruiz. The Peurto Rican peop... I mean press are notoriously lazy and just type the first name that pops in their head.

Sucks for Lopez (amazingly, no pun intended) that he'll miss next year's Cinco de Guy-O celebration.

The killing itself wasn't even about Mr. Lopez's sexual orientation, it was actually a drug dispute probably.

The article states the body was partially burned... Fa-LAAAAAAA-ming!

Y'know, I just remembered how funny the gay Peurto Rican dude on the Soup Nazi and The Sponge episodes of Seinfeld was.
"Was joo talkin to heem? 'Cuz joo was obvusly talkin to one of us, so who, WHO, who wajoo talkin to?"

Crap, now I feel bad.

Sorry gang (again no pun intended), I lost my head there for a motherFUCKER!

May joo rest in peace, headless hearse man.

Love,
Chris Real

Inmate dies after wheelchair fall at S. Ind. jail

2009-11-18T13:30:00.000-08:00

JEFFERSONVILLE, IN (TS) -- Authorities say an inmate diagnosed with major depression and schizophrenia died after falling from his wheelchair and hitting his head on the floor at a southern Indiana jail.
Sixty-six-year-old Preston Shaw was being held on a sexual battery charge at the Clark County Jail in Jeffersonville when he fell Friday, then died the following day.

Well, it's not like this is the first Crip to die in the slammer, and now he doesn't ever again have to deal with Clark bars.

So... is this like considered a mass suicide then? Were ALL of his personalities majorly depressed? How many did he have? Was it a whole bunch or just a pair-o-plegics?

The article states:
Shaw was a nursing home resident when he was charged with abusing a female patient who was unable to speak or move.

So? She sounds hot.

Besides, at least he was still a "Man in motion"

So, this Jeffersonville con will be movin' on down as soon as the local undertaker can get the ramp leading into his grave built.

I can see a new horizon
underneath the blazin' sky,
Chris Real

An AreWeTooSoon? Update - Cross your fingers!

2009-11-18T08:24:00.000-08:00

LONDON, ENGLAND (TS) -- Andrew Lloyd Webber has been readmitted to hospital after developing an infection following surgery for prostate cancer.
A statement on the composer's Web site Wednesday said he had come down with a postoperative chronic infection that needed immediate treatment.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy...

His newest crappy musical is called "Love Never Dies" even - that's PERFECT.

Stay tuned!

FD: 11-month-old girl dies after TV falls on her head

2009-11-17T17:38:00.000-08:00

PHOENIX, AZ (TS) -- An 11-month-old girl taken to the hospital Monday after a TV fell onto her head has died from her injuries, authorities say.

A'ight, we here at AreWeTooSoon? don't really like to repeat ourselves much, but when life repeats itself, our hands are tied.

Her name was Skye Simpson (D'OH!), and the television fell from the top of a dresser onto the infant. The infant's 2-year-old sibling was trying to change the channel at the time of the accident, and may have been responsible for pulling the TV down. My guess is the TV was turned to VH1, and a Nickelback video came on, and the 2 year old, knowing they had gotten a bit old for Nickelback's music, made the right decision with an unfortunate consequence.

From the article:
"They set up the TV, turned it on to entertain the kids," the girl's uncle, John Simpson said. "They turned around one minute, and it happened. Somehow the TV fell over on her. It's a tragic accident that could happen to anybody."

Well, not ANYBODY John, but for sure it could happen at least one other time.

Also from the article:
Phoenix Police Lt. Tina Gonzales said it was an older model TV, possibly between 17-20 inches.

Wow, that's some crack detective work Tina... that Phoenix PD can narrow down the size of a TV that is RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM to three inches. Golf clap.

Phoenix rises... just not the home entertainment components.

According to Gonzales, the girl's parents were home at the time of the accident... I would have to think they're ratings dropped as well.

I want my, I want my, I want my ENDTV.

Love,
Chris Real

CNEND 60 Second News Break

2009-11-17T10:38:00.000-08:00

Burlington County 15-year-old dies from punch after he refused to join fight, police say
PEMBERTON TOWNSHIP, NJ (TS) -- A 15-year-old boy died Saturday evening after a friend punched him in the chest for refusing to come along to fight another group, a report in the Times of Trenton said.

Gee, I wonder why he refused to fight? AHAHAHAHAHAHA Wuss.

Oklahoma man dies after ammonia leak in Rosemount
ROSEMOUNT, OK (TS)-- An Oklahoma man died and another was airlifted to Regions Hospital after both were overcome by the release of anhydrous ammonia at about 5:58 p.m. Monday, Nov. 16, at CF Industries in Rosemount.

That stinks.

Record number of chlamydia cases reported
ATLANTA, GA (TS) -- Sexually spread diseases continue to rise, with reported chlamydia cases setting yet another record in 2008, government health officials said Monday. Last year there were 1.2 million new cases of chlamydia, a sometimes symptomless infection that can lead to infertility in women.

HOPEFULLY, this puts to bed (pun intended) once and for all, that Paris Hilton hasn't really accomplished anything on her own in her life.

'Remote Control' gameshow host Ken Ober dies at 52
LOS ANGELES, CA (TS) -- Ken Ober, who hosted the 1980s MTV game show "Remote Control" and helped produce the shows "Mind of Mencia" and "The New Adventures of Old Christine," has died. He was 52.

Game Ober.

This has been a CNEND 60 Second News Break.

What has 3 letters, ends in V and is VERY good for bidness but...

2009-11-16T17:52:00.000-08:00

...has absolutely nothing to do with Freddie Mercury?

Jackpot.

Here's the stories making news this week, JUST this week, in the exciting for awhile world of all terrain vehicles.

Rochester man dies in ATV accident in Cohocton

COHOCTON, NY (TS) -- A Rochester man died in an all terrain vehicle accident in the Town of Cohocton Friday night.
Wayland-based state police responded to an ATV accident shortly after 10 p.m. at the intersection of Avery Hollow and Rynders roads. According to troopers, Joseph D. Wellin, 49, was riding a Yamaha Rhino 660 4x4 ATV.

Well Joe, you mess with the Rhino, you get the horns. Yamaheart goes out to your family and all but... you were riding on a city street for cripes sake. All terrain, EXCEPT where cars can go, ya knob.

Pulaski County teen dies in ATV crash

LITTLE ROCK, AK (TS) -- Authorities say a 13-year-old boy died after he was pinned beneath an all-terrain vehicle that he was riding with friends. Pulaski County Coroner Garland Camper says Alex Hugg was pronounced dead Friday night, three hours after the accident.

One ATV, three teenage kids, zero brains. If you see any of Alex's family, be sure to give them a hug. Actually, maybe that's too soon. Awe... do you need a hug? NO YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK, we need a HUGG!

Girl dies in ATV accident

SHUNIAH, ON (TS) -- A 10-year-old girl is dead following an all terrain vehicle accident on Sunday at a Lake Shore Drive residence in Shuniah.
The Ontario Provincial Police responded to the incident at approximately 3:35 p.m.
"When officers arrived, an initial investigation revealed that a 10-year-old female was operating an ATV," said Const. Diana Cole. "The ATV rolled over; she was not wearing a helmet at the time."

I always thought Ontario was very proud that Shuniah was from there... maybe I'm thinking of something else. I know, bad pun, you're thinking, "That don't impress me much", well it's better saying something about how "The woman in me - was a messy clean up" or something, at least I have more tact than that.

Girl dies in ATV crash at Chanceford Township

YORK, PA (TS) -- A 15-year-old girl from the Felton area died Thursday afternoon in an ATV crash in Chanceford Township, according to state police.
Trooper Michael Levinsky said that just after 3 p.m., the 15-year-old, who was driving the ATV, and her 14-year-old female passenger were riding southbound on Sechrist Flat Road when the driver lost control "for unknown reasons."

Women drivers, I tell ya.

"Unknown reasons"... my money is on she thought the T stood for texting.

No names have been released, but they should rename the street after her. Hell, they could even keep the "Flat" in there if they wanted.

Fort Hood soldier dies in ATV accident while at home on leave

FORT HOOD, TX (TS) -- Fort Hood Spc. Stephen Ray Brown, 21, of Ottawa, Kan., died Saturday in Greeley, Kan. in an ATV accident while home on leave, the post said Monday.

Holy hell, this dude is easily in the top 14 most unlucky Fort Hood soldiers I've ever heard of. No word on the maker of the ATV, probably a YaMohammed. You think he'd have known better.

There's more, but I wanna avoid a tl:dr situation here... perhaps this can become another AreWeTooSoon? feature... Who am I kidding, of course it can.

Vroom vroom!

Chris Real

Dan Gurewitch, star of The CollegeHumor Show, dead at some age of something

2009-11-16T17:25:00.000-08:00

Sorry kids, no article to link, I Google News searched it and nada.

Also, the picture - obviously has nothing to do with this guy, but it did come up on the first page when I Google image searched his name, and it was better than any of the handful that were of the actual dude.

So you ask... how do I know about this guy biting it?

Well, "RIP Dan Gurewitch" is a trending topic on Twitter. Sure I've never heard of him, or his show, or anything else he's done... there's not even a Wiki article to research his "career" for some Too Soon material...

...but if he's a trending topic on Twitter, that means he's as important as The Jonas Brothers, Rihanna, #uknowuruglywhen, and as important as the Iranian people's valiant struggle for democracy was for a week.

I figured I better get on this one.

That's all I got though.

Sorry.

After helping family escape fire, Queens man dies retrieving his cell phone

2009-11-16T13:32:00.000-08:00

QUEENS, NY (TS) -- A 75-year-old man helped his family escape his burning Queens home early Monday - but died after running back into the house for his cell phone, witnesses and FDNY sources said.

Sooooooo... Anyone out there still not believe in Darwin?
(Yes I know Mrs. Palin - shut the fuck up please - actually, the fact that YOU'VE survived might just shoot Darwin's theory to bits)

Now, yes the dead dude, Nathaniel Lagree was an idiot, but I really think the story here is how big a jerk his grandson was for calling him right after he saved his life to thank him.

I know making light of a dead old man that saved his entire family might not get good reception... reception... RECEPTION, MIGHT NOT GET GOOD RECEPTION, can you hear me now? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Well, I guess it's time for another AreWeTooSoon? PSA:

If you catch on fire remember to stop, drop, and roll over minutes aren't NEAR as important as you might think.

Nathaniel Lagree - I don't think your brain had enough bars my friend.

Love,
Chris Real

New Report 1 in 6 Americans goes hungry

2009-11-16T12:07:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK (TS) -- The number of Americans that have trouble putting food on the table shot up last year in an unprecedented spike to a record 17 million households, the government reported on Monday.

Yeah... but two thirds of Americans are overweight or obese.

So... this is like, GOOD news right?

Also, 8 million Americans have anorexia or bulimia. Man that's a high number, makes me wanna puke just thinking about it.

What does this leave them with like ONE American out there that actually eats right?

For the land of the free, and the home of the gravy.

Hello good evening and what can I tell ya...

2009-11-15T17:30:00.000-08:00

...fucktards.

I hope everyone had a happy and safe weekend.

Those that didn't though, are getting the press.

Man shot, but dies after hit-and-run on South side
CHICAGO, IL (TS) -- A Park Forest man who died early Sunday after being shot on the South Side was hit by a car following the shooting -- and officials determined the car, not the gunshot, killed him.

Howard Hodges was his name - and it looks like he had the single most unlucky night any dude has ever had ever - well except for those dudes who's women make them go to a Michael Buble concert.

Still, the guy survives a gun shot and gets hit by a car and dies in the same night... it's like he WANTED to be an AreWeTooSoon? topic but couldn't quite decide how he'd like to do it.

Well, bravo Mr. Hodges - you've got something over Anthony Hopkins and Vanessa Redgrave - THIS Howard's End is pretty entertaining.

Teen driver dies; may have been texting
BLACKMAN TOWNSHIP, Mich. (TS) -- A 17-year-old Richland woman died Friday night after a chain reaction of crashes on I-94.
Laurie Cartwright, a 2009 Gull Lake High graduate and Western Michigan University student, may have been texting on her cell phone when she collided into a semi-tractor trailer, police say.

First off, Good. Texting/cel phony drivers meeting their OWN demise and not taking anyone else with them is actually a good thing, like when a drunk driver bites it. DUM BTCH PAY ATTN TO ROAD LOL

Second, there's a place in Michigan actually called Blackman Township?

Polka band founder dies
VERONA, NY (TS) -- A founding member of Fritz's Polka Band died after loosing a battle to liver cancer. Fred Scherz Sr. died Saturday and had been fighting the illness since August.

Aaaaaaaaaaand the good people at WSYR in Syracuse are loosing a battle with spelling. The very best part of this article is it ends:
For a link to the Fritz's Polka Band website, CLICK HERE.
Fucking classic. Don't try booking them for this Wednesday though, they already have a gig rockin' the Everygreen Cemetary.

The polka dude, acordian to sources, had been a fixure on the hot underground burgeoning New York polka scene since starting Fritz's Polka Band in '78, a mere 3 generations after polka ceased to be relevant to anyone. The ONLY good thing about playing in a polka band would be the groupies... because a gummer would be an actual gummer. Nom nom nom...

Elderly man hit by a bicyclist dies
BOSTON, MA (TS) -- An 84-year-old man died over the weekend after he was struck by a bicyclist while trying to cross the street in Boston on Friday night, police said.

The man's name has not been released, out of respect for the family to save them the embarrassment of people knowing grandpa couldn't take the sheer force of that unrepentant killing machine we know as a Schwinn. I know he was 84 but still... if it took that other dude a bullet AND a car to take him out...

Child dies after being trapped in recliner
FAIRFIELD, Il (TS) -- Authorities in Wayne County, Ill., said an 18-month-old boy died after getting his head trapped in a recliner.

Oh boy... you never like to write about kids this young, seriously. This story of the tragic end of young Hunter Woolever is not a pleasant one, and this is actually tough for me... but I just couldn't sit on this story, because something kept like digging into my back or something, it was really uncomfortable. Poor Hunter, we don't say good bye, we just say Sealy later, you La-Z-Boy.

That's the news, and I... am... outta here!
Chris Real

Binge drinking kills 3rd China official this year

2009-11-13T13:53:00.000-08:00

BEIJING, CHINA (TS) — A Communist Party official in China has died from excessive drinking, the third such alcohol poisoning case that highlights the problems of a drinking culture connected with government and business work, an official newspaper reported Monday.

Yes, I know... we JUST put up a piece on a story from China. I know how irresponsible that is to not be controlling the Chinese Too Soon story population and keep letting them build up to completely unhealthy and unsustainable levels in a world that already has more than enough Chinese Too Soon stories.

I TRIED to herd all the Chinese Too Soon stories into a big civic square and run over them with tanks. Didn't work.

This is a toughie to pass up though.

THREE Chinese politicians in ONE year die from binge drinking. It's like Delta Phi Kappa meets Mao Tse Tung. (Δδ Φφ Κκ meets... I dunno a bunch of things that look like little houses and number signs on opium)

This might all be a plot by the USA, get their buddy that they owe money to so hammered they either forget or drunkenly let you off the hook.

Drunk China: "It Ok USA, you no owe us no more, USA cool, USA cool. Saaaaaaaay, USA, how about since we do you favour, you set us up with your hot mom, England? She so sexy sexy, and you no tell her USA about China small wee wee."

Or at least to keep China gong show drunk so they stay gung ho to keep len ding.

From the linked article:
The cases highlight the heavy ritualized role drinking plays in business and government circles in China. Bai jiu, the potent rice liquor, is a permanent presence at elaborate banquets, where "Gan bei," or "Bottoms up," is the official toast.

Enough with the rice liquors east Asia! For heaven's sake. "Heaven's Sake" ahahaha - that will be the new hot brand of Bai Jiu in China.

Wait, Bai Jiu? That's the Phillips girl that wasn't boinking her Papa, right?

Anyway... I'll end off with another AreWeTooSoon? PSA, just for our friends in the Chinese government.

Remember, learn to control your alcohol, you don't wanna get so drunk you can't wok.

Gan Bei,
Chris Real

Baby in China dies while doctor plays online game

2009-11-13T10:09:00.000-08:00

BEIJING, CHINA (TS) — A 5-month-old baby died in a hospital amid pleas for help from his parents while the doctor played video games online in eastern China, health authorities said Friday.

An investigation showed Dr. Mao Xiaojun was playing an online version of "Go" on the night shift and she did not take the parents' pleas for help seriously.

I suppose this is less of an insult to the infant's parents than if she was playing Operate On a Baby Hero or something. Either way, they certainly do not love Dr. Mao long time now.

The article did not mention the sex of the baby (calm down Michael Jackson's ghost, I said the sex OF the baby), but it is well documented that Chinese culture prizes male children over female children. (Ok EVERY culture does that but the Chinese are fairly open about it)

The saddest part of this story is that at 5 months old, the child was only two months away from being eligible for the Chinese women's Olympic gymnastics team.
Yes, that's the second Chinese women's gymnastics team reference I've made on this site, but at least I'm not turning all my Ls into Rs in this one.

The article states Dr. Mao-io was playing the game on an instant messaging system. See? MSG is indeed dangerous to your health. Hopefully trying to establish an on-line gaMing Dynasty was worth it.

Parents of the dead toddler immediately demanded a refund of 50% of their hospital bill, saying "I no pay this. This damaged. You do betta on priiiiice", before finally settling for a sweet 30% discount.

No word on if the doctor, like the baby, reached the final revel. FUCK! Level.

Love,
Chris Real

Nightmare on Elm I mean Happy Friday the13th!

2009-11-13T07:41:00.000-08:00

G'day fucktards,

Your friends here at AreWeTooSoon? would like to wish you and yours a safe and prosperous Friday the 13th.

There are many who observe this day by being overly paranoid bad things will happen.

AreWeTooSoon? thinks that's a big pile of hooey.

If you are one of these superstitious people, you paraskevidekatriaphobia-stricken douchebags, we invite you to prove us wrong today. If we see a glut of great new material... I mean tragic and sad occurrences go down today, we will gladly admit we're wrong on this one and you will be recognized accordingly.

So friends, today, feel free to smoke while filling up your car, blow dry your hair in the bathtub, hurl racial slurs at Mike Tyson, or eat at KFC. Don't get drunk and drive too close to a manure spreader though... yawn.

Why do we not think there's anything special about Friday the 13th? If it's one thing this site has taught, it's that fucked up stuff happens on each and every date. FACT: Tuesday September 11th did not occur on a Friday the 13th (I can't find a link to prove that but I'm still pretty sure). Also, H1N1 doesn't own a calendar.

Friday the 13th has just gotten so corporate and commercialized, it used to be about... I dunno... what, did Jesus stub his toe really hard getting up to take a piss in the middle of the night on a Friday the 13th? Then he had to piss hopping up and down on one foot causing him to totally miss the bowl? Then he tried to see if he could walk on urine and realized "nope, I guess just water"?

OR... is this just some sort of arbitrarily made up thing created out of nothing to try to scare people, like The Boogeyman or Dracula or AIDS?

Fuck you Friday the 13th, come and get me... come on... come on... pussy.

Hopefully there's something WORTHY to write about today kids. If not, talk to ya tomorrow.

Promise.

Love,
Chris Real

David Lloyd, sitcom TV writer, dies

2009-11-13T06:11:00.000-08:00

BEVERLY HILLS, CA (TS) -- Over four decades, he wrote jokes and scripts for 'The Mary Tyler Moore Show,' 'Taxi, 'Cheers' and many others. David Lloyd, an Emmy Award-winning television comedy writer died of prostate cancer Tuesday at his home in Beverly Hills, said his son, writer-actor-producer Christopher Lloyd.

This is not all tragic though, for even in death, he has made me laugh one more time, by seeing the words "sitcom" and "writer" in the same headline. Sitcom copy and paster... Ok.

No great loss here, the people that script every reality TV show ever are much more creative.

What?!??! Gene Simmons is cheating on his diet by having food from every fast food place in the world sent to his room?!?!?!?! OUTRAGEOUS and so very real. I sure hope Shannon doesn't find out!

Anyway...

My first reaction to Mr. Lloyd's passing was "Don't go there", my second was, "I think it's time for plan B", my third was "Smooth move Ex-lax", my forth was, "But if you're here, then that must mean... Oh boy..."

Yes, that is pretty much copied and pasted from an episode of Family Guy. I thought it to be a fitting tribute.

Of course, he might not really be dead, it could be that a family member just overheard part of a phone conversation and misinterpreted the situation... if that's the case, watch the hilarity ensue over the next few days... or at least 22 minutes.

If he's not really dead, there are several possibilities of where he might be:

Perhaps he's spending a night in a HAUNTED MANSION. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Or he could be watching the birth of his formerly badass but now totally straight edge brother's child. Awwwwwwwwwwe.

Maybe he accidentally made a date with two different women on the same night.

Maybe he's trying his luck at yet another get rich quick scheme with his overly animated and mono-dimensioned next door neighbour.

Are you as turned on as I am right now?

More!

*passionate but no tongue kiss*

Oooooooooooooooooooooh!

Lloyd's son when reached for comment sounded all crazy-like. Imagine Cosmo Kramer without the retro sixties clothes. (and white hood)

Lloyd's wife when reached for comment seemed Ok, saying that the David Lloyd character had run out of steam anyway and she was ready to introduce a new one... reported to be a five year old nephew from out of state that was to this point previously unmentioned.

Both surviving members of Lloyd's family will claim their inheritance... if they can last one night in a HAUNTED MANSION. Oooooooooooooh!

Mr. Lloyd, you have jumped the shark... went upstairs and never came back down... decided you wanted a career in the movies instead. You'll be back.

Love,

Chris Real

This piece of written in front of a live studio audience.

Be PROUD, America!

2009-11-12T16:21:00.001-08:00

USA! USA! USA!

Goalie for German national soccer team dies after being struck by train

2009-11-12T07:43:00.000-08:00

HANNOVER, GERMANY (TS) -- Robert Enke, the top contender to play goalkeeper for Germany’s 2010 World Cup team, died Tuesday after being hit by a train in what investigators believe was a suicide.

I'll start by answering the question on everyone's mind, yes, my Photoshop skills get me alllllllllll the chicks.

Poor Herr Enke, his future seemed so promising. What could lead him to suicide is yet unexplained. We can assume this, it was not sexual frustration - as he was the only guy on the team allowed to use his hands.

German national soccer has a very rich and successful history probably.

Enke's death is shaking the international soccer world to it's core.
Soccer is the most popular sport in the world except in countries where people have money and live in buildings that require more nails than mud to build.

Robert is now being ground into an even finer paste (they have the facilities... trust me) to be made into a delicious canned luncheon meat called Spamtrak.

I hope that didn't offend anyone, that was not my GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In a stunning gesture of tribute, the German national team will play the entire 2010 World Cup without a goalie. Vegas odds makers having heard this news are still putting them ahead of England.

Robert Enke, a man who loved his sport, but just couldn't handle training. (I know I know, choo soon)

Love,
Chris Real

Drummer Dies After Fall in Elevator Shaft

2009-11-12T06:56:00.000-08:00

BROOKLYN, NY (TS) --Gerhardt Fuchs grew up playing the drums in Georgia and went on to perform with bands that toured across the country. Mr. Fuchs, known as Jerry, fell to his death on Sunday morning in the elevator shaft of an industrial building on Berry Street.

Usually when a musician dies it's GREAT Too Soon material, lots of band names or record or song titles to play off of. Add into it the fact that it's a bizarre death, and it's Too Soon GOLD. Maybe even Too Soon platinum.

Unfortunately, this dude was never in any bands anyone ever heard of... never saw either of those above mentioned colours... and couldn't even do us the favour of at least sitting in ONCE with 13th Floor Elevators.

So... all we're left with at AreWeTooSoon? on this one is another AreWeTooSoon? PSA:

If you get too hammered to pay attention to an open elevator shaft, you're Fuched.

Love,
Chris Real

Holocaust survivor, 'careless smoker' dies in fire

2009-11-12T06:25:00.000-08:00

WHAHAHAHAA!

First off, welcome back fucktards.

We decided to take the first three days of this week to honour the men and women who have given their lives for our freedoms with three days of silence.

Then yesterday, a single post, to pay tribute.

Now, we'll go back to celebrating and exercising one of the many things they gave to us by opening a few delicious cans of free speech on your asses... and do we have a doooooooooozie of a welcome back story.

There's lots to catch up on from the past few days, so I'll keep this one short.

Last month, emergency medical services personnel responding to a call on Sutton Lane in Hewlett talked to Adam Rafalowicz about the burn holes in his clothing, rugs and furnishings -- all caused by smoking.
On Saturday, fire officials said, the 86-year-old man's son also talked to his father about what was called "careless smoking."

Early Thursday, Rafalowicz, who had survived the Holocaust, friends and family told officials, was found dead in a second-floor bathroom following a "very severe" fire that destroyed his second-floor master bedroom.

So... we get some modern Too Soo material mixed with some classic Too Soon material.

Seriously, the ONLY thing that could make this better is if he slipped in the shower instead.

Ok, or maybe leaving a running car in a closed garage too long as well.

First off, the term "Holocaust survivor" is a bit silly. The Holocaust is defined as the extermination of 6 millions Jewish people by the Nazi regime. By definition, there can be no survivors. There can be "concentration camp survivors", and they all no doubt have harrowing and sometimes heroic stories... but they are still more "Holocaust avoiders".

It's amazing, buddy got too careless when he Schindler's lit his cigarette and ends up recreating the not so good old days and dies one of the most ironic deaths of all time.

Now we wait for a Titanic survivor to die in a kiddie pool.

Love,
Anonymous

True, North, Strong and FREE - Thank You.

2009-11-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

'Girls Gone Wild' founder Joe Francis sentenced in tax evasion and jail bribery case

2009-11-06T17:19:00.000-08:00

LOS ANGELES, CA (TS) -- A federal judge sentenced “Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis today to 301 days already served and a year of probation in a case in which the producer of the popular DVD series pleaded guilty to filing false income tax returns.
In September, Francis, 36, pleaded guilty to two misdemeanor counts of filing false tax returns in which he withheld $500,000 in interest income.

The last few months of Mr. Francis' life:

The investigation:

Scene fades in... a legal office...

IRS Agent: Mr. Francis, would you please show us your tax returns for the last two years.

Francis: What? No way, I know what you're trying to do, NO WAY!

IRS: Come on, just show us, here have a shot of Sangria.

Francis: I love Sangria! It makes me all crazy though, I don't know if I should... I'm a good little soft porn mogul.

IRS: Ohhhhhhh yeeeeeeeeeah, have a couple and then show us your tax returns for the last two years.

Francis: Wooooooooo! Sangria!

IRS: Come on, show us those tax returns Mr. Francis.

Francis: I'll show you my... drivers license wooooooooo!

IRS: Ah, noooooooo. That doesn't do anything for us.

Francis: I'll show you my... grade ten report card woooooooooo!

IRS: That's great but we really want to see your tax returns for the last two years... come on... more Sangria?

Francis: Sangria woooooooo! Ok, I'll show you guys my... library card WOOOOOOOOO!

IRS: Ahhhhhhh-ha-ha no Mr. Francis, come on, we need more than that... Tell ya what, if you show us those tax returns from the last two years, we'll give you an Internal Revenue Service T-shirt.

Francis: WOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ok, I'll show you my tax returns for the last two years... Oh I hope my lawyer doesn't see this... here you go boys.... you gotta PROMISE you won't show this to anyone else... Ok here goes WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

IRS: Oh yeah Mr. Francis! Very nice, VERY nice!!! That's a lovely pair of tax returns, aren't they a lovely pair of tax returns?

IRS agent 2: Oh yeeeeeeeeah, lovely, lovely... alri-iiiiiight!

IRS: Ah-ha-ha yeah! Ok here's your T-shirt.

Francis: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO... hey, this says "Property of the IRS" on it?

IRS and IRS agent 2: That's right.

Fade to next scene... a jail cell...

Prisoner 25T672R: Hey Mr. Francis, show me your ass.

Francis: What? No way, I know wh...

25t672R: I said SHOW ME BITCH!

Bitch: Yes... daddy.

This has been the story of Joe Francis, 'From boobs to bum rape', as retold by,
Chris Real

Somali adulterer stoned to death

2009-11-06T13:05:00.000-08:00

SOMALIA, AFRICA (TS) -- Islamists in southern Somalia have stoned a man to death for adultery but spared his pregnant girlfriend until she gives birth.

This story was brought to my attention by my bro Matt.
I saw this headline and thought I'd find material to write an article about the dangers of marijuana.

Also, I figured I could relate, because I've definitely committed more than my fair share of adultery while stoned.

Then I remembered there are no dangers of smoking marijuana... except it's a total gateway... to Twinkies and 3am pizza.

I decided to check it out anyway... and found a tale so corrupt I had to write about it.

I've always thought of Somalia as a lawless, diseased, civil war torn country, filled with murderers and blood thirsty thieving high seas terrorists... but to know it's also a Devil's playground of rampant infidelity... Well that's pretty disheartening.

Abas Hussein Abdirahman, 33, was killed in front of a crowd of some 300 people in the port town of Merka.

Al-Shabab official Sheikh Suldan Aala Mohamed said Mr Abdirahman had confessed to adultery before an Islamic court.

This story is going to make my fucking spell checker explode.

"He was screaming and blood was pouring from his head during the stoning. After seven minutes he stopped moving," an eyewitness said.

"Just like my first wife" Woody Allen said.

The funny thing is, when the stoning victim met his ripe young Somali tart, he was too shy to even talk to her. I guess he must've got a little boulder.

It's pretty nice of the extremists to allow the baby to be born before they keep on rockin' in the third world, I wonder if they'll give it to the dude's wife, as legally, that sperm belonged to her.

It's a messed up world friends... what ever happened to that sweeter, simpler time when if you wanted to punish a dude for sexual deviance, you'd just cut off his hoo-ha and fry it up?

Love (the one you married or you'll be stuck between a rock and... several other rocks),
Chris Real

Muslim image campaigns suffer after Fort Hood shootings

2009-11-06T11:56:00.000-08:00

The tragic shootings at Fort Hood, Texas, by an Arab-American Army psychiatrist, may deal a severe blow to image campaigns launched by Arab and Muslim groups.

See, that's just not fair at all.

An Arab Muslim messes up ONE time and people are over them as an entire race/religion?

Pfft!

I'd like to see you find even one other negative thing any of these people have ever done.

I'm waiting...

Two killed, 6 injured in Orlando shooting

2009-11-06T11:03:00.000-08:00

ORLANDO, Florida (TS) -- Two people were killed and six injured by a gunman who opened fire in a high-rise office building in Orlando, Florida, on Friday, local media reported.

No word yet on if Nidal Malik Hasan is going to file a copyright infringement lawsuit or not.

Once again Charlton Heston was unavailable for comment, but we assume it was along the lines of: "Yup yup yup yeeeeeeehaw!"

We've discussed here before how Florida is the dumbest state in the USA, so again the average IQ of the country as a whole rises sliiiiiiiiiiightly.

Look, my American friends, I know your unemployment rate went over 10% for the first time since under Reagan in '83, and yes, if you find a way to do this mass shooting thing daily then eventually that number will drop... but there has to be a better way.

Queens woman cuts off father's penis, cooks it, and kills him

2009-11-06T10:10:00.000-08:00

QUEENS, NY (TS) -- The Queens woman who mutilated her father and burned his penis on the stove has been taking a cooking class in jail. Brigitte Harris, who faces up to 15 years in prison for killing her dad when she is sentenced on Friday, also has been biding her time on Rikers Island by reading vampire novels and mysteries.

Well, my work here is done.

Look, I know it seems suspicious, but I swear we do not have this woman on the AreWeTooSoon? payroll.

She's taking a cooking class in prison... this crazy beeyotch knows more about the concept of "Too Soon" than any of us here could ever hope to. Like seriously, what darlin', was the moyle class all filled up?

Ok, so here she is...

Now... her story is she committed this crime because she was sexually abused (yeah right, not even Stevie Wonder would take a run at THAT) by her father, Eric Goodridge... but come on... I think the odds are much better the girl was just hungry... and if the stereotypes are true, she was fixin' to get herself a pretty decent snack.

Ms. Harris reportedly first tried to boil her dad's sausage, but got frustrated after it just kept Bobbitting up and down in the water, so she decided to take more of a Cajun approach.

The thing about cooking a black penis though... how the hell do you know when it's done?????

I wonder if that's covered in prison cooking class. It's kind of a shame Brigitte didn't do this years ago so she could've been rockin' Rikers the same time Martha Stewart was.
Martha could show this budding young cor-dong bleu chef how to take a penis and slice it, dice it, puree it, marinate it, or even turn it into a lovely Wangsgiving Day centrepiece. It's a Goodridge thing.

I usually end these things off with one last witty remark but in honour of Ms. Harris today I will jus

Love,
Chris Real

Man dies while installing TV antenna

2009-11-06T06:41:00.000-08:00

MELBOURNE, AUSTRAILIA (TS) -- A man has died after falling from a roof while trying to install a television antenna in Melbourne's north.
Worksafe spokesman Michael Birt says the man in his 40s was trying to fit the antenna at a house in Carrick Drive at Gladstone Park.
Mr Birt says people need to protect themselves from falls.
"Worksafe's investigating this incident and we'll need to find out exactly what's happened and what the circumstances were," he said.
"But what we need the community to do is if they're working at height, whether they're on a building site or doing some work around somebody's house, they need to have fall protection."

This story probably won't get a very good reception.

That's the whole article. That Mr. Birt is BRILLIANT. You can tell how he got his job as Worksafe spokesman.

"Mr. Brit Mr. Brit! Some idiot just fell off his roof and died! What should we tell the people???"

"Hmmmmmmm... Tell them I said they should protect themselves from falls."

"Another home run sir!"

Wait, I just realized this took place in Austrailia... so, for the sake of any Dingo eaters that may join us at this site today:

,,¡ɹıs unɹ ǝɯoɥ ɹǝɥʇouɐ,,

,,˙sllɐɟ ɯoɹɟ sǝʌlǝsɯǝɥʇ ʇɔǝʇoɹd plnoɥs ʎǝɥʇ pıɐs ı ɯǝɥʇ llǝʇ ˙˙˙ɯɯɯɯɯɯɯɥ,,

,,¿¿¿ǝldoǝd ǝɥʇ llǝʇ ǝʍ plnoɥs ʇɐɥʍ ¡pǝıp puɐ ɟooɹ sıɥ ɟɟo llǝɟ ʇsnɾ ʇoıpı ǝɯos ¡ʇıɹq ˙ɹɯ ʇıɹq ˙ɹɯ,,

˙uɐɯsǝʞods ǝɟɐsʞɹoʍ sɐ qoɾ sıɥ ʇoƃ ǝɥ ʍoɥ llǝʇ uɐɔ noʎ ˙ʇuɐıllıɹq sı ʇɹıq ˙ɹɯ ʇɐɥʇ ˙ǝlɔıʇɹɐ ǝloɥʍ ǝɥʇ s,ʇɐɥʇ

˙uoıʇdǝɔǝɹ pooƃ ʎɹǝʌ ɐ ʇǝƃ ʇ,uoʍ ʎlqɐqoɹd ʎɹoʇs sıɥʇ

ǝʌol,
lɐǝɹ sıɹɥɔ

November 5th, 2009 - The Day In Death That Was...

2009-11-05T20:23:00.000-08:00

Good evening Too Soonsters,

It seems like today would be a good day for a recap of all that's gone on in our world recently.

So, let's just get into it... here's what's making deadlines in the headlines today:

1 - Thomas P. O'Malley dies at 79; former president of Loyola Marymount University

I met him at a college in Boston Mass
Where I never was a student 'cuz I forgot to enroll-a
The School was called Marymount U
Mount You that's funny but not as funny as Loyola
Lo lo lo Loyola
Lo lo lo Loyola

Anyway, buddy died of a heart attack... moving on...

2 - Brother Blue, a Cambridge icon, dies at 88

Brother Blue... He Need-ED de MON-ey OH!
Wow... not a good day to be a former New England collegian.
His birth name was Hugh Morgan Hill - his death name was not so fortunate.
The rest of the article about him is a total "TLDR", besides, there's obviously more important things to get to. Anyway, buddy "died in his Cambridge home after a brief illness"... moving on...

3 - Club Posh shooting victim dies

Twenty-nine year old John Singleton was shot at the popular Denver club Posh Sunday and died today.
The only thing really notable about this, Mr. Singleton was in fact NOT a member of the Broncos.
Anyway, buddy died of a bullet wound... I assume... moving on...

4 - Naples man dies in jump from train

The body of Dustin Dodge, 25, was found alongside the railroad tracks south of the city at about 5 a.m., after it was spotted by BNSF Railway personnel.
Ashes to ashes, Dustin to dust. Anyway, buddy died so he wouldn't have to read a horrible pun made by me... good call... moving on...

5 -

um...

5 -

Dammit, that's really all that happened today... pretty weak crop, sorry all.

Tomorrow, hopefully will be a better day in the world of death and Killeen... er I mean killing... Jeebus where did THAT come from????

Love,
Chris Real

It's Official... AC/DC Fans Are Douchebags

2009-11-05T17:09:00.000-08:00

Winnipeg Man Jailed For Stabbing Guy Who Didn't Like AC/DC

A 37-year-old Winnipeg man has been sentenced to four years in jail and three years of probation after he stabbed a man who insultedAC/DC.

According to the Winnipeg Sun, James Ivison invited a 22-year-old man to his room at a Furby Street rooming house in October 2008. After they had a few beers, the man started insulting AC/DC, which Ivison was playing at the time. He then started questioning Ivison's sexual orientation.

Ivison responded by stabbing the victim, who had grabbed a frying pan, three times in the chest and two times in the stomach with a kitchen knife.

Yowza. Where do I even begin with this one? A guy gets stabbed for dissing AC/DC. In other words, a guy gets stabbed for having TASTE.

Let's see, if someone can get stabbed for not liking AC/DC, then by all means people should also get stabbed for not liking the following:

AIDS, Hitler, H1N1, George W. Bush, country music, incest, liver, bank service fees, telemarketers, herpes, ex-girlfriends, Kathie Lee Gifford, Bill O'Reilly, a kick to the groin, etc.

Sloan once had a line in a song, "It's not the band I hate, it's their fans." This is certainly the case with AC/DC. AC/DC are great at what they do, but the kind of fans they attract could generally be mistaken for being extras in Deliverance or Fubar. This story is no exception.

The world is truly heading down a highway to hell...

-JJ Ramone

Kanye's "Message to the troops"

2009-11-05T14:46:00.001-08:00

Guns don't kill people...

2009-11-05T13:51:00.000-08:00

...wacked out guys in military uniforms from Fort Hood in Killeen Texas (with fucking GUNS, you idiots) kill people.

Charlton Heston was unavailable for comment, but we assume it was along the lines of "Yip yip Yippeeeeee!"

Phillies fan dies following ballpark hit-and-run

2009-11-05T12:43:00.000-08:00

PHILADELPHIA, PA (TS) -- A Philadelphia man has died of injuries sustained when he was hit by a car outside Citizens Bank Park during a Phillies playoff game.

Talk about adding insult to injury. (which happens to be my specialty so - RAWK!)

From the linked article:
Philadelphia police say 42-year-old Nicholas Medora died Wednesday night at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital after falling into a coma.
Police say Medora was drinking with a group of men in a parking lot during the Phillies' National League Championship Series-clinching win over the Los Angeles Dodgers on Oct. 21.

The Phillies, who died their own horribly embarrassing death last night, were unavailable for comment, although sources close to the organization say they are attempting to track down the driver... to sign him for the 2010 season, as they are obviously in need of both more hits and runs.

This the most exciting story that has anything to do with baseball since... well, ever.

"We want a batter,
Not a stiff cadaver!
We want a pitcher
Not a...

Not a...

Um not a... DAMMIT!"

Do over.

"We want a catcher,
Not a grass patcher!
We want a fielder,
Not a non-yielder!"

Medora will be grounded out permanently this weekend.

Love,
Chris Real

Quick question...

2009-11-05T10:12:00.000-08:00

Do you think Jerry Seinfeld, Adam Sandler, Woody Allen, or Jon Stewart - knowing the history of their people - would ever agree to be a victim of a comedy roast?

Carl Ballantine dies at 92; comedy magician was in 'McHale's Navy' cast

2009-11-05T09:49:00.000-08:00

LOS ANGELES, CA (TS) -- Carl Ballantine, the "amazing" comedy magician and character actor who was part of the World War II PT boat crew on the 1960s sitcom "McHale's Navy," has died. He was 92.

I know, I have NO idea either.

Things I'd never heard of and had to look up in order to write this:

1 - Carl Ballantine
2 - McHale's Navy
3 - "Amazing comedy magician"

Ballantine, pictured here 36 hours after he died, passed away in his sleep of age-related causes Tuesday at his home in the Hollywood Hills.

This has gotten no more interesting.

I'll be honest here, I just didn't want the kid that died in the clothes dryer post to be the first one people would see when they visited this site... I actually feel kinda bad about that one.

Love,
Chris Real

Boy, 14, charged as adult in clothes-dryer murder of 4-year-old

2009-11-05T09:15:00.000-08:00

MENDOTA, CA (TS) -- A 14-year-old suspect in the murder of a 4-year-old boy found drowned and then stuffed into a clothes dryer in Mendota, California, has been charged as an adult, authorities said Tuesday.

The suspect's name is Raul Renato Castro, and during an interview with investigators, the teenager said he lured his four year old neighbour into his apartment last Friday, by telling him he had something to show him. He then proceeded to molest the child, before trying to drown him in a bathtub, and then stuffing him in a dryer to die.

FUCK.

I'm sorry that's such a graphic account, but I couldn't bring myself to do a fluff piece on this one.

There is no way to put a positive spin on this news cycle.

Well, except to say it's a good thing 14 year old Castro's parents had full laundry facilities in their home, because to do something like this at a laundromat would've cost like six bucks. That's murder.

According to this article:
Castro's grandmother did come to his defense.
"I feel terrible. He was a nice kid. I don't know that happened this time," she says.

Which brings us to another AreWeToonSoon? PSA:

All old people are clueless.

When the family of the victim was contacted, they were inconsolable, even when reminded they would save money on the funeral as they could buy a smaller coffin... even smaller than you might think for a 4 year old, as their son had shrunk a full two inches.

This kid apparently considered his killer a trusted friend... so at the time of his death, he knew of at least two types of circles he didn't want to travel in again.

Still no word on whether they ever found that lost sock as well.

Love,
Chris Real

The Too Soon Dead Slut Series - Vol. 2

2009-11-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

Welcome friends to the second installment of AreWeTooSoon?'s series celebrating dead famous skanks. Despite this breed's penchant for checking out early and doing so in uber-Too Soon worthy fashion, this is hardly a species in danger of being put on the endangered list.

I have one of these on Lindsay Lohan ready to go that I was hoping to put up this week but either the woman is part cockroach or someone out there is making bionic cocaine... maybe by Christmas if we're lucky.

So in this installment we'll pay tribute to Anna Nicole Smith... which is really a bit of a cop out because I can copy and paste most of our Marilyn Monroe piece, change some names, add some fat jokes and I'm done.

Before we get in to talking about the life of this talentless disaster of a gold-digging bimbo (oh DAMMIT I just summed it up already), I will issue an apology...

I wanted to have this piece posted a bit quicker this morning, but when looking for a picture to accompany it, well... Let's just say doing a Google image search for "dead Anna Nicole Smith" um... distracted me for about seven minutes.

Anna's life:

Anna was born Vicky Lynn Hogan in Harris Co, TX, on November 28, 1967.

Then in high school she grew boobs, dropped out of high school at 17, showed those boobs a lot, sucked on some 90 year old wang for a couple months, got half a billion dollars, and died of a prescription drug overdose on February 8th, 2007.

Ah, the American dream personified. Oh wait, she also got really fat. NOW it's the American dream personified.

Smith appeared in Playboy, then parlayed the media attention from that into getting roles in a few major motion pictures no one ever saw and a lot of DVDs many did. Other than that, she starred in her own "reality" TV show, The Biggest Loser, oh wait that might not be right...

Smith also appeared in a series of ads for the animal rights Nazi-funded group PETA, after apparently mixing Champagne with Valium and accidentally mistaking herself for Pamela Anderson.

There will be a movie made about Anna Nicole in the near future starring Willa Ford... Yum... Willa Ford... Um yeah Ok time to wrap this up to go see if I can find any new hilarious deaths to tell you about... I'll start looking... in seven minutes.

Love,
Chris Real

U.S. serviceman dies in shooting at Mexican strip club

2009-11-04T17:22:00.000-08:00

MEXICO (TS) -- A U.S. serviceman was among six victims of an early morning shooting at a Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, strip club Wednesday, officials said.

I know what some must think when they come to this site: "Is nothing sacred to these arseholes? Little girls crushed by TVs? , A high school cheerleader dying? , Innocent novelty shop owners murdered at work? Have they no limits????"

Well, as it turns out, we do. Every day we are made aware of brave military personnel making the ultimate sacrifice to defend low gas pri... um I mean freedom from tyranny, but we leave that alone. Stories of human beings bravely putting their lives on the line in a foreign land oceans away is not cool. Making light of it would be even less cool.

THIS story, this story is not like that. :-)

This story comes from the Mexican border town of Ciudad. That's pronounced SEE you dad, which gives me two reasons to be grateful:
1 - The guy had no kids, because that's a fast ball right over the plate I would have had to swing at.
2 - I can make a comment about how that was the last thing this soldier ever heard, right after asking the question, "Am I your daddy?"

Now I wouldn't go feeling too sorry for this dude. I don't know if you've ever been in a Mexican peeler bar - I have, and I assure you death by gun shot is literally in list of the top five most PLEASANT ways your evening is going to end.

The name of this fallen horno, I mean hero, is Sgt. David Booher, age 26. Which reminds me... Remember kids, no matter how nasty a stripper is, NEVER boo her.

This is a Mexican border city known for rampant drug-related violence. (as opposed to those Mexican cities NOT known for that *cue eye roll*) It is for this reason the military specifically prohibits any personnel from entering the city. There is even a memorandum posted at Sgt. Booher's base in Fort Bliss (I know I know, but I have other stuff to get to) in Texas.

Buddy should've El Passo'd on this road trip offer.

In a beautiful gesture, many of the girls that work at the club will be eating nothing but extra bean burritos all day tomorrow, so that at his funeral on Friday, they can send him off like the noble soul he was...

...with a 21 bum salute.

Love,
Chris Real

Founder of San Diego Comic-Con dies at 76

2009-11-04T12:52:00.000-08:00

SAN DIEGO, CA (TS) — Sheldon Dorf, who founded the world famous Comic-Con International comic book convention, has died. He was 76.

This is great, I don't even have to fake sadness on this one. A dead geek. This is *Marvel-ous.

*I'll mention right now, I know the trend in these entries is to take references from the dead person's career and turn them into delicious puns, but Marvel is literally the ONLY comic book reference I know, although I may be able to fit "Up and Atom" in here somewhere, but that's not technically related to comic books. So I apologize in advance for a youth obviously wasted focused on interacting with others, getting laid and staying under 300lbs.

Anyway...

Dork, whoops I mean Dorf... that might happen a lot, was a comic strip letterer who founded Comic-Con in San Diego in 1970 after moving from Detroit. He had diabetes and had been hospitalized for about a year before dying... and I highly doubt he'll be brought back in a future issue as some sort of reconstructed uber-powerful nerd. (I admit, I just Wiki'd Superman... I need to get SOME content in here)

My very solid guess is that he is not survived by a wife or any children.

The convention Dor... F (caught myself that time) founded attracts an average of 125,000 people dressed in various versions of "dateless retard" costumes a year.

Look for a new video to sweep the nation called 'Dorf on Death' (thanks again, Zubazz)

Hey I just realized Sheldon is a more worthy name to make fun of then Dorf... dammit, this guy's not worth my time to do a re-write.

Sheldon's last will and testament requested that his body be placed in a sealable Mylar plastic bag with a firm alkali-buffered backer board, and then stored in an acid-free storage box in a cool, dry, dark location. (but he'll probably end up forgotten about and discarded, left to yellow and crinkle and rot somewhere)

Poor Sheldon, there is no more action in that figure. (not that there ever really was)

Love,
Um I mean Up and Atom,
Chris Real

Maine Rejects Same-Sex Marriage

2009-11-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

AUGUSTA, ME (TS) -- Maine voters rejected a law allowing same-sex couples to marry in a closely fought referendum that saw unexpectedly high turnout. Rolling back the law is a setback for gay-rights advocates and makes Maine the third state in which residents reversed their government's decision to permit gay marriages.

Interesting.

Homosexuals in the Pine Tree State can no longer wed their Maine squeeze.

I guess voters just refused to get behind the idea... maybe they were tired of being the butt of jokes. How anal can those silly buggers be?

Can you tell me how to get, how to get Too Sooname Street

2009-11-04T07:48:00.000-08:00

AreWeTooSoon? celebrates the 40th anniversary of Sesame Street today with this retrospective:

Mr. Hooper - We hardly knew ya

Harold Hooper (1910-1983) was a character on Sesame Street played by Will Lee (1908-1982).
I hope everyone is as confused as I am how the producers of Sesame St. squeezed an extra year out of the character a full six years before Weekend At Bernie's technology was perfected.

Making the character two years younger than the actor I understand... fucking Hollywood glamorizing youth again.

The character Mr. Hooper died of AIDS after living with a notorious yellow faced fag-hag that would never kick Fabio out of bed for eating cookies and... oh whoops, that's from a different Sesame Street piece I'm working on.

The cause of Hooper's death is unknown, the actor himself was hooped by heart disease.

AreWeTooSoon? contacted Hooper's long-time friend Big Bird for a comment:
"Not a day goes by where I don't think about Mr. Looper." Bird goes on to say, "Mr. Cooper and I became very close, so close we were talking about staring in a Snuffy film together... poor Mr. Looper."

The character of Hooper was very popular with children, but not so much by the writers of the show, as evidenced in the episode Christmas Eve on Sesame Street, where it is revealed Hooper is in fact Jewish.

On the show, Mr. Hooper's Store kept the same name after Lee suffered two, TWO massive coronaries AH AH AH!, but it was taken over by David. The producers were originally going to merge Hooper's Store with the Fix-It Shop owned by Luis and Maria Rodriguez, but decided against it as they were already concerned they might take some heat from presenting the unfair stereotype that Latinos in America own their own businesses.

Mr. Hooper/Will Lee - Two Too Soons for the price of one. Mr. Hooper's Store is a bargain bonanza.

This piece has been brought to you by the letters D, O, and A, the number 13, and is made possible by grants and by viewers like you!

Ala peanut butter sandwiches,
Chris Real

Weds Nov 4th. 2009 Too Soon Bit-its and Bite-its

2009-11-04T05:41:00.000-08:00

Mornin' Too Soon-sters!

We have to start today with a retraction.

Last week, while covering the death of Nic Cage's dad August, a self-published comment appeared in this blog:
The dude effed himself though, because now he has to wait until one of these people also checks out so he can start sponging and living the good afterlife.
Well, all I can do is apologize for this ill-conceived comment, because as it turns out, Nicolas Cage is broke. In fact, he's selling off some of his prized possessions, including his mansion, cars, and a creepy rubbery-looking version of John Travolta's face. (That one will fetch a lot at an auction, as it is the second creepiest thing in the world, behind only Travolta's real face) By the way, time for another AreWeTooSoon? PSA:

If you become a Scientologist, your child will die.

Write that down.

Now, my best advice for Nic Cage is, whenever I feel a bit of a financial pinch, I just ask my father for some mon... um, never mind.

Otay, on with the show:

1 - Author of 'Life and Death in Shanghai' dies at 94
His name was Nien Cheng. Having not ever read or even heard of his most famous book... a book who's title now has a completely irrelevant first word, I was one letter off guessing his last name after merely reading the headline.
The book apparently chronicles the author's mother and her struggle against communist Red China's oppression of free thinkers in the 60's.
Um... so this has NOTHING to do with Owen Wilson at all? Pass.

2 - NYU death plunge
A 20-year-old NYU student leaped to his death yesterday from a 10th-floor balcony in the school's library -- becoming at least the eighth student at the Greenwich Village university to commit suicide since 2003.

At LEAST the 8th? I take it no one at NYU majors in record keeping. I realize 8 suicides in 6 years is a pretty high number for what is obviously a fine institution of higher... at least 10 floors higher learning, but it still seems well within the realm of being able to count to an exact number... even for Americans.
The new NYU library slogan, "Our stories can be checked out, but please don't check out using our storeys."

3 - Lady Gaga's arrival makes photographer fall to death
Quoted directly from the linked article:
Celebrity photographer AJ Sokalner suffered a massive heart attack and died at the ACE Awards Gala held Tuesday after he saw popstar Lady Gaga donning a black lace-up headpiece (widow-esque black veil) at NYC’s Cipriani 42nd Street, where she was being honored with the Stylemaker Award.

Well... that is a tragedy and all, but thank Jeebus the true tragedy was averted, as the good people that penned this article still managed to report what this fashion trend-setter starlet was wearing. There was no picture included, neither of the dead dude or Gaga herself, but it sounds as though she can wear the same outfit to the funeral.
(Ok, that's a joke... making light of the recently deceased is one thing... but wearing the SAME outfit to two events in a row??? That's fashion suicide - nothing funny about that... unless fashion jumped out of a ten storey NYU library)

Also from the article:
According to a fellow photographer who was on the scene when the accident happened, the gang was packing up and ready to leave when the man fell and hit his head on the concrete.
Greeeeeeeat... now that leaves me having to decide whether to coin the term "splatterazzi" or "paparazzi-smear".

Imma go think about which one is best.

Love,
Chris Real

Rihanna "Humiliated" by Leaked Photo After Attack

2009-11-03T14:05:00.000-08:00

Rihanna is quoted as saying in this story she is "Humiliated" by the infamous photo.

For no other reason than to let anyone who may not have seen this picture understand what she is referring to, we will post it here:

Pretty nasty stuff hey? You can see why she feels the way she does about the photo... I mean, just look at it...
Your heart really has to go out to the poor girl, never knowing where and when she might have to see this:

It's all just...

...really tragic.
Here's hoping she never has to see this...

...ever again.

West Covina girl dies when TV falls on her

2009-11-03T13:17:00.000-08:00

A 6-year-old West Covina girl died after a 32-inch TV fell on her, police said today.
Jasmine Starr Ilgenfritz was playing with her 1- and 3-year-old siblings Saturday morning when the TV accidentally dislodged from the living-room table it was on, said Lt. David Rozeboom of the West Covina Police Department.

I would assume this girl wasn't a fan of the new "fall" schedule.

Poor Jasmine... she could've gone into porn without even having to change her name, she just would've had to drop that hideous last name and Vivid Video would be all over it.

Of course, she could have never done any mixed-race porno, as she proved recently there's no way she can handle 32 inches.

As turns out, like most porn stars, her hopes and dreams were indeed squashed... but Jasmine took it even further and squashed her head, legs, arms, and a whole lotta internal organs at the same time.

Sigh... looks like another AreWeTooSoon? PSA is needed:

Even if there's nothing good on TV, it's way worse when the TV is on you, so play safe!

Love,
Chris Real

Miami-Dade man dies while apparently trying to remove beehive

2009-11-03T11:06:00.000-08:00

MIAMI, FL (TS) - A man in Southwest Miami-Dade was found dead early Tuesday near a colony of tens of thousands of bees, though it's unclear if his death was caused by stings from the bees.

Well Honey, there's some good buzz around this story.

He should've minded his own beeswax.

Ok, so here's the thing... I don't know that it's any great secret that Florida is BY FAR the stupidest state in the USA. In a country that also includes Texas, Tennessee, and Alabama, that is REALLY saying something.

Floriduh.

So let's search for examples of stupid in this story.

#1, obviously, is the dead dude himself. From the linked article:
The victim wore protective gear that covered his head and upper body, but not the rest of his body.
This would indicate that either this guy is too dumb to know there might be some things BELOW the belt line that might need protecting, or else the spam e-mails from "Penis Power" and "Extenderz" and "Sir Throbbalot" finally convinced him he needed to try something, anything, to somehow get that area swelled up a bit.

#2, also from the linked article:
The victim was found on top of the roof of a three-story apartment complex. The hive, which measured about three feet, was near the roof.
Police said they could not say whether the man died from a heart attack, a fall or from bee stings.
Ok... buddy was found on the TOP OF THE ROOF, and police haven't ruled out a fall? Did he fall UP three stories?

With this guy's bumbling death, the average IQ for the USA went up slightly, but in Floriduh, it stayed exactly the same.

Police have not released the man's name, but whoever you are, see ya, wouldn't wanna... nah that's too easy.

Bzzzzzzzz,
Chris Real

RI Girl dies after contracting H1N1

2009-11-03T10:26:00.001-08:00

LINCOLN, R.I. (TS) —State health officials said Tuesday the 12-year-old Lincoln girl who died over the weekend tested positive for swine flu.

This is sad.

Now this young lady, Skyla J. Reposa-Alves, will never get to go to her high school prom.
(Ah who are we trying to kid, it's not like she was going anyway)

'Westernized' Daughter Dies After Being Run Over by Father

2009-11-03T08:04:00.000-08:00

PEORIA, AZ (TS) - An Arizona woman allegedly run over by her Muslim father for becoming "too Westernized" has died.

Noor Faleh Almaleki, 20, clung to life for nearly two weeks after being run down by her father's car.

Her Iraqi father, SoDads Insane, had felt his daughter had become too assimilated to American culture, so he decided to teach her a lesson by punishing her with unnecessary violence... oh, the irony.

SoDads Insane first started getting worried about his daughter when he would catch her watching 'Seinfeld' marathons, and put posters of Adam Sandler and Barbara Streisand up in her room.
It seems after a couple years of watching his girl play video games while listening to the Jonas Brothers and stuffing her face with jalapeno chips and microwavable burritos, SoDads finally snapped when his daughter announced she was changing her name to Hannah bin Montana.

The final straw was when Noor was photographed by paparazzi getting out of a cab and revealing she was wearing no panties under her birka.

SoDads' worst fears were now realized, and he started suffering from a common condition known as Iraqnaphobia, leading him to this awful, awful(ly funny) crime.

Sodads has been extradited to Dirkadirkastan until his trial.

SoDads four other kids, all sons who play varsity baseball, work at McDonald's, and love Coca-Cola and apple pie and bald eagles and Disneyland, were unharmed.

Love,
Chris Real

Georgia Aquarium beluga dies on visit to Sea World

2009-11-02T15:51:00.000-08:00

ATLANTA (TS) — Georgia Aquarium officials say a beluga whale has died unexpectedly while on a temporary stay at Sea World in San Antonio.

"Hey kids, come on, sing along!"

Big dead beluga from the ATL
Now he's off to beluga hell
He swam in his last Sea World show
Never shoulda gone to San Antonio

Oh Big dead beluga
Big dead beluga
Did you get too old?
Is your body cold?
Well talk about a dead pool

Big dead beluga never made a sound
Woulda been funny if he fuckin' drowned
Not gonna make it to San Diego
With that hole that just won't blow!

(Everybody!)

Big dead beluga
Oh Big dead beluga
Did you get too old?
Is your body cold?
Well stop your blubbering

Big dead beluga
Oh Big dead beluga
Did you get too old?
Is your body cold?
Eskimos are goiiiiiiiiing... tooooooooo... eeeeeaaaaaaat yooooouuuuuuuuuuu...

"Hey, you're beautiful, no give YOURSELVES a round of applause, you did a whale of a job!"

2-Year-Old Dies From Getting Tangled in Drapery Cord

2009-11-02T15:29:00.000-08:00

DAMASCUS, Md. - A Montgomery County boy died this weekend when he became tangled in drapery cords. It could happen in any home but there are ways to avoid a similar tragedy in your home.

An AreWeTooSoon? PSA:

Don't be blind to dangers in the home... or it'll be curtains for you.

'Father of China space programme' dies: state media

2009-11-02T13:02:00.000-08:00

Beijing (TS) Qian Xuesen, the man widely regarded as the father of China's nuclear missile and space programmes, has died at the age of 98, state-run Xinhua news agency said on Saturday.

Do not feer sad for Qian Xuesen, for this is an individuar that accomprished more in his 98 years than most courd ever dream.

By the age of 7, Xuesen had arready made it as first arternate on the Chinese women's Orympic gymnastics team. After retiring from competition at the age of 10, Qian focused his attention in other areas, first by growing a bitchin' Fu Manchu and then taking what he managed to save of the 8 cents an hour he had earned working 19 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 5 years stitching up Air Jordans and opening up his first of three raundrymats.

After a few years he got out of the raundry business and focused on his next business venture, a Chinese food restaurant (I know, I did NOT see that coming either).

He ran that restaurant with ruv for decades... he rivved, breathed, and srept that restaurant, going so far as one night when his wife asked for a 69, he got out of bed and started cooking up some beef and broccori.

Then one day he was the director of the Jet Propulsion Raboratory because the government said he was.

Then a couple days ago he died.

For a man to accomprish this much... despite the obvious handicaps of not being able to drive and having a hirariousry tiny penis...

Well, that just deserves some respect.

Ruv,
Chris Real

Steve Miller Band Member Norton Buffalo Dies at 58

2009-11-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

Norton Buffalo , a singer-songwriter and the harmonica player for the Steve Miller Band since 1975, died Friday, Oct. 30, at the age of 58. Buffalo first wrote about being diagnosed with lung cancer in September after feeling ill following a concert.

No one called him a space cowboy, no one called him the gangster of love, I'm guessing more than a few people called him Maurice (woo woooooooo) because the importance of remembering a harmonica player's name ranks right up there with the importance of the word "pompetous" in the English language... Maurice is better than "Mr. Buffalo" anyway.

Norton's music took him from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to a coma...

...Philadelphia, Atlanta, L.A...

Well, no, Steve Miller's music did that for Mr. Buffalo... and while Steve took the money and ran, Norton heard a "who?" every time he introduced himself.

Looks like time kept on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the present this time around for this Abra-abracadaver.

Way to die like an eagle Mr. Buffalo. (eagles commonly die of lung cancer right? I'm pretty sure that's what I read somewhere, so that line is AWESOME!)

When Miller was asked yesterday if he thought the band could possibly continue on without Buffalo, he erupted into a fit of laughter that at the time of this writing was just finally simmering down into the "light chuckle" phase.

I guess Harmonica Power! isn't quite as powerful as some might have hoped. Someone put John Popper on notice... they're comin' for him next.

Love,
Chris Real

A "Too Soon" Classic Joke:

2009-11-02T07:54:00.000-08:00

Why didn't JFK Jr. shower before flying?

He decided to just wash up on shore.

Happy fucking Halloween!

2009-10-31T08:29:00.000-07:00

Nic Cage's dad, August Coppola dies at 75

2009-10-30T15:00:00.000-07:00

"Daddy, daddy, why did you have to leave me? And why am I covered in frosty chocolate milkshake?"

August Coppola, a former literature professor who was the father of actor Nicolas Cage and brother of filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola and actress Talia Shire, has died. He was 75.

Coppola died Tuesday in Los Angeles after suffering a heart attack, Cage's publicist, Annett Wolf, said Thursday.

What? Bitch didn't even have his OWN publicist?!?!?!?

This is not news.

They SAY it was heart attack that caused Mr. Coppola to be Gone In 60 Seconds and took him to the City of Angels with the Kiss of Death, but this has to be suicide... the amount of reasons this guy had to off himself are as staggering as his son on a coke binge.

AreWeTooSoon? will mention a few of the more hilarious ones:

1 - Inferiority complex
Brother: Rich and famous director, Sister: Rich and famous actress, Kid: Rich and famous actor that got to bang Patricia Arquette, Himself: Comparative lit teacher
The dude effed himself though, because now he has to wait until one of these people also checks out so he can start sponging and living the good afterlife.

2 - Tactile Dome
He helped create this interactive sensory exhibit at the Palace of Fine Arts' Exploratorium in San Francisco. Ok, so maybe not suicide, but accidental death from boredom

3 - August
His name is fucking AUGUST. It's a miracle he made it out of Grade eight.

4 - "Moneyfinger"
I'm sure August was a proud poppa, and any time one of his son's movies was on TV, he watched. Quite recently TBS ran a Nic Cage-a-thon. If he's anything like me, every Goddamn time they have some goof overdub the word the "moneyfinger" or "motherfather" or some other bastardized version of the stellar word "motherfucker", I want to suffocate a kitten. Fact: Nic Cage says "motherfucker" in his movies a lot. Poor August probably just snapped.

5 - Good will
Perhaps Mr. Coppola was something of a visionary and on some level knew there wouldn't be a whole lot of solid Too Soon material on this fine Friday.
That's one smart moneyfinger.

Love,
Chris Real

Teen Dies in Crash with Manure Spreader

2009-10-29T12:51:00.000-07:00

Just... wow.

It looks like Too Soon Jesus, Too Soon Santa, the Too Soon bunny, and the Too Soon fairy all teamed up to bring us the greatest story in the history of ever.

FREDONIA, WI (TS) - A 19-year-old Cedar Grove man died when his pickup truck smashed into the back of a manure spreader in northern Ozaukee County.

Seriously... AreWeTooSoon? AreNotReallyNeeded! on this one... but we can't let it slip past us.

The dude's name is Steven R. Casarez, and he has found the shittiest way to die ever.
Wisconsin reporters were quick on the scene, they are well known for being able to sniff out a good story.

From this article:
Casarez was westbound on Jay Road near Kay-K Road when he struck the rear of the spreader, which was towed by a tractor that stopped in the westbound lane while preparing to turn left into a field. Skid marks at the scene show Casarez attempted to brake and swerve to the right.

As Rude Dude says, "That's why I refuse to pound from the rear, too much poop." Y'know, I LOVE that they had to use the words "skid marks" in this story...
When cops got on the scene, they tried to get the victim out using the jaws of life... no luck. The police were unable to clear the vehicle until one of them poured a huge bottle of Ex-Lax into a hole in the windshield, at which point Mr. Casarez slid right out.
I hope the state does the right thing and pays tribute to the fallen... by renaming Jay Road Hershey Highway.

Also from the article:
Neither teen was wearing a seatbelt, but the airbag deployed for Casarez.
Guss said investigators are awaiting the results of a toxicology report to see if alcohol was a factor in the crash.

What? Why the hell would they be waiting for a toxicology report???? The guy was CLEARLY shit-faced when they got on the scene. It's a good thing Casarez's airbag deployed... as now we have an accurate and to scale model of what Oprah's first used Huggies looked like.

The victim will not be buried until Sunday, so that he may attend a Halloween party on Saturday where he is expected to take home best costume honours for his wicked Biff Tannen outfit. (thanks Zubazz)

One thing you must be SURE to do... about 12 months after he's buried, go visit his grave, because the 'shrooms that will be growing on that patch of real estate will give you an incredible buzz.

Y'know, it's ALWAYS funny as hell when a drunk driver dies, so long as no one else gets hurt.

Yes, I'm assuming he was drunk... it was 11 at night, he was 19, he was driving a pick up, he lived in Wisconsin, and he HIT A FRICKIN' POOP TRUCK.

This turd-tapping shit disturber got what was coming to him.

We here at AreWeTooSoon? cannot thank him enough.

Flush,
Chris Real

Longtime Kansan City Chiefs assistant coach Wallis dies

2009-10-29T09:29:00.001-07:00

KANSAS, MO (TS) -- Darvin Wallis, the second-longest tenured assistant coach in Chiefs history, has died at age 60.

Sigh...

In the unending Too Soon bounty that is football-related death, the ONLY thing going for this guy is that it's the most recent.

I mean, we can't expect anyone to top Steve McNair. Pro Bowl QB iced by a jealous girlfriend? Followed by paternity suits and drug accusations? That's GOLD Jerry, GOLD! That was easily the second best NFL death of all time... the first being the death of Packers GM Ted Thompson's dreams of winning another Superbowl the day he traded Brett Favre.

Alas, we get stuck with this Donny... Darwin... Darvin... yeah Darvin Whatshisname dude, a guy who:

1 - Was a defensive assistant coach (read: not even good enough to be head coach)

and

2 - Was a defensive assistant coach with the Kansas City Chiefs (read: not even good enough to be employed by a professional football team)

Sigh...

Love,
Chris Real

Oh yeah, the picture... I know it has nothing to do with The Chiefs, or coaching, or even football, but it IS a sign on a back road in Missouri... you can also see this same sign on any interstate leading into Missouri... but this one was just more... folksy, and I love being folksy.

Roy DeCarava, art photographer depicted the African American experience, dies

2009-10-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

Roy DeCarava, an art photographer whose pictures of everyday life in Harlem helped clarify the African American experience for a wider audience, has died. He was 89.He died Tuesday in New York City, his daughter Wendy DeCarava said. The cause was not given.

...but was probably a crack overdose.

Woah! Where did THAT come from? NOT cool dude, NOT COOL!

I am really, really sorry all... Look, I was raised by my grandparents, and they came from a much different time, and maybe some of their backwards views and questionable humour is still inside me a bit. I try to fight it, I do.

I feel the need to make amends, I know this site is here for the sole purpose of finding humour in the macabre, but for this particular individual, I will not do that. Instead, I will pay tribute to this fallen artist by posting some of his most poignant work.

Please, enjoy.

May you rest in peace, sweet shutterbug.

Coyotes Ate My Folk-Singer

2009-10-28T21:44:00.000-07:00

***Spoiler alert***

If you haven’t already, I strongly urge you to read the post below, “When Coyotes Attack Folk Singers” before reading this post. It’s way funnier that way.

I’m going to dog pile on this topic not unlike how a pack of coyotes might maul a screaming 19 year old girl. Strangely, a very similar situation comes up way too often at AreWeTooSoon staff parties. Regardless, when the cosmos is good enough to throw me a Too Soon bone covered with teeth marks, I’m going to take full advantage and launch into my inaugural post.

A pack of coyotes kill a folk singer, huh? Nature abhors a vacuum but apparently nature also hates crappy music. Am I the only one who suddenly feels a profound sense of hope? If the very beasts of the Earth are willing to rise up and take action against Taylor Mitchell, the biggest name in Canadian folk music, then maybe Mother Nature plans on doing some more musical house keeping. Maybe a tornado will take out Jay Ferguson or an earthquake could claim Jacob Hoggard. At the very least, Mother Nature could leave a bear on Chad Kroeger’s front lawn.

It appears I’ve gotten a little off topic. I do have to commend Taylor’s commitment to her craft. As of this writing, according to her MySpace page, she hasn’t cancelled any tour dates. In case you didn’t know, Taylor was on a tour to promote her new album “For Your Consideration”. Though the album was still relatively new, sources close to the singer say she was nearing completion of her second album “Here Little Doggie”. There is no word if this album will be released posthumously.

- Rude Dude

When Coyotes Attack Folk Singers!

2009-10-28T18:02:00.000-07:00

Taylor Mitchell, a 19 year old folk singer from Toronto, died tragically after being attacked by two coyotes while hiking in Cape Breton's Highlands National Park. She was touring the Maritimes before her death. Mitchell was hiking alone when the attack occurred. However, two other hikers scared the coyotes away and called 911. Unfortunately, their intervention came too late as Mitchell died overnight in the hospital, going up to that big ol' coffee shop in the sky.

Bob Bancroft, a retired biologist, has stated that these kinds of attacks are extremely rare, given that coyotes are generally shy in nature. However, park staff have indicated that the coyotes appeared "very agitated" Tuesday night. One hiker, who wishes to remain anonymous, reports that Mitchell was playing some songs for passersby on the trail about thirty minutes before the attack. Sadly, these two coyotes were the last two hecklers she ever saw. There was no encore.

An RCMP officer shot at one of the coyotes, but no dead body has been found. Though showing sympathy for Mitchell, this reaction from the RCMP officer has raised some concerns from prominent members of PETA (People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals). Pamela Anderson has released a statement through her publicist decrying the possible killing of a coyote. She says, "It's like so sad that someone had to like die and stuff. I mean, folk singers are like totally people too. But we have to save the coyotes!"

The folk community has shown tremendous solidarity in showing their support for a fellow performer. In particular, PETFS (People For The Ethical Treatment Of Folk Singers) are planning a joint benefit concert, celebrating the music of Mitchell and fellow up-and-coming singer/songwriter Jonathan Boyd, who died earlier this month after going home with a cougar after a gig.

Bob Dylan paid tribute to Mitchell today during a rare afternoon performance in St. Louis, telling the crowd; "Yhdbh andh Taybdtr Muivvdll wsaj oijiofhakon oianyegg." Unfortunately, Dylan's translator was unavailable for comment.

-JJ Ramone

Super Demise Me

2009-10-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

They say too much fast food can kill you... props to these people for proving that thesis true, even if they weren't really trying.

1 - McDonald's worker dies of 'overwork': officials
Somehow I knew when I read this headline this wouldn't be about a McDonald's in North America. My first thought was, "These are people that need to ask what kind of McNugget sauce you want at the drive-thru speaker and AGAIN at the window, before forgetting it altogether anyway" - so mental exhaustion wouldn't be an issue. Also, the repetitive nature of wrapping cheeseburgers might not be good on the carpal tunnel front, but it isn't physically demanding enough to be life threatening to even the fattest, laziest, pimply-faced America kid. (also, they don't even have to press the drink button down until the cup is full, it's a one touch technological wonder!)

Nope, "This has to a story from somewhere else, probably Japan, those crazy bastards" I quipped to myself before clicking on the story.

Damn I'm good.

The Japanese female McDonald's employee collapsed and died back in October '07, but this story took WAY longer to come out because it was a special order.
"Yeah, I'll have one hilarious fast food employee death story, with no conjunctive adverbs please."
It's a good thing they kept this woman under a heat lamp so they could perform the autopsy two years later.
Death from over work actually has it's own word in Japan, "karoshi", which is not to be confused with "karaoke", which is defined as death by drunk chicks thinking they can sing.

The woman has since been replaced by a robot.

2 - Troy Smith, founder of Sonic Corp, dies
Further proof that when it comes to the fast food industry, no one can compete with McDonald's, as this story isn't near as funny. I've never had a Sonic burger, but I've seen the commercials - they suck. No creepy clown, no big purple monster (fun fact "Grimmace" would make a great nickname for a wang), and no one going "robble robble robble robble". Weak.

Sonic was just about to unviel a series of new signs at each of their 8 locations around the world that boasted "dozens and dozens served", but they couldn't afford them. In fact, at the time of his death, Troy Smith was playing McDonald's Monopoly every day hoping to win so the franchise would see the beginning of the next fiscal year.

3 - Two men charged with Burger King murder face additional felonies
Mohamed S. Abdulkadir, 21, and Abdi A. Mohamed, 24, were each charged with aiding and abetting robbery for the Aug. 21 incident involving Donta Boelter. The shooting took place in the east parking lot of the Burger King at 1320 W. Second St. in Grand Island at about 9:30 p.m.

I guess we should count ourselves lucky it was only a shooting and they decided against flying planes into said Burger King. I will take an order of onion rings, medium root beer, and a Whopper with extra JIHAD!!!!!

This goes to prove that mechanically separated meat by-products ARE murder.

There's your Too Soon fast food feast of the day, you want dies with that?

Love,
Chris Real

AreWeTooSoon? Movie Review - Michael Jackson 'This Is It'

2009-10-28T07:38:00.000-07:00

I do not have several leather bound books, nor does my apartment smell of rich mahogany. Still, I have to mention, I'm kind of a big deal.

When it became known I wanted to do a review on the new MJ movie 'This Is It', Jackson's attorneys got to work. They pulled some strings, paid off a bunch of witnesses, whatever they had to do to get me into the premier.

Not the premier all those other Hollywood celebs went to last night (thereby indirectly condoning and promoting child abuse - I hope you're proud you twats), no, a much more special premier - one that included deleted scenes and bonus features.

There'll be approx. 14,000 reviews of the actual movie out there today, so I will concentrate on reviewing the deleted scenes and special features. You came to the right place friends.

I'll start with an interesting tidbit, producers chose the title 'This Is It', after realizing most of their first picks were already taken. These include:

Boys On the Side
Boys Love
Where the Boys Are
For the Boys
Unlawful Entry

Deleted scene #1:
The camera pans out to show Jackson on an operating table, having undergone his last skin bleaching treatment. Michael is heard to mumble something about how "After all this I'm still some sort of hero to a good portion of black people" and then he cackles madly.

Deleted scene #2:
Shows a press junket on the day of MJ's death, with a bunch of reporters from all over the world furiously deleting the phrases "child molester" and "paid off families of several children" and inserting the phrases "troubled artist" and "never convicted", as well as changing "in hiding after fleeing the country" to "eccentric".

Deleted scene #3:
Has quite a few touching moments... which is why it's too disturbing to describe here - you can check the police statements if you wish to know further.

Bonus feature #1:
A "guess the year" game, where a picture of Michael's face is shown with three options to pick from. 1968 and 2009 are really easy, the other ones are quite a challenge.

Bonus feature #2:
A "where's Michael" activity, sort of like where's Waldo, but MJ is hiding amongst some of his contemporaries like OJ Simpson, Vince Neil, Ted Kennedy, and other famous people that have committed horrible crimes... the game might not seem hard, but they are all hiding in a huge pile of money.

So yeah, it was an enlightening evening at the movies for me.

Y'know, I have fun with this site, exploring the ridiculousness of life, death, and our world... but in this case, I'm literally ecstatic this piece of shit is dead.

Anyone who actually goes to this movie should be ashamed of themselves... I'm guessing no kid that ever spent the night at Neverland Ranch is attending.

Oh yeah, and Liz Taylor, someone should curb stomp you.

No love,
Chris Real

Why are all Swine Flu deaths so @#$%ing boring????

2009-10-27T16:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'll let ya in on a little trick of the Too Soon trade.

You might ask yourself, how do they keep coming up with all this amazing Too Soon material? Well, I don't know why you'd ask yourself... you obviously have no idea if that's the case.

Here's my strategy... Step 1 - Go to Google News. Step 2 - search "dies". Step 3 - Scroll. Step 4 - Let the hilarity ensue.

I swear, it's easier than cleaning a Slap Chop.

HOWEVER, over the past couple days, I've found myself having to wade through a whole bunch of H1N1 deaths that are all the exact same. "Perfectly healthy blah blah blah"/"Started getting sick last week blah blah blah"/"Donations can be made in the name of his or her family to Drake Meat Processors research department blah blah blah".

Nothing to write home... or here, about.

I did learn the country of Turkey had their health minister urge the Turkish pubic to not kiss for five months to prevent the spread of Swine Flu, and that's pretty funny I guess.
Still, have you ever seen people from Turkey? Not pretty, it really should be a law of the land to begin with. That's it though, no celeb Swine Flu (Rosie O'Donnell, Roseanne, Oprah... all of these Swine Flu deaths would be GREAT for our business... If we don't see one of these by this Thursday I'll be even more convinced there's no God), no big political names, no mass suicides by a cult called 'People of the Pig' in an effort to free their souls so they may live for eternity in a perfect pork-free Utopia... nutin'.

So the dilemma we at AreWeTooSoon? face here is, all of these H1N1 deaths provide less comedy material than an evening with Brett Butler, but we can't very well ignore, and risk missing all together, one of the biggest news stories of the year...

...and then I saw it.

Like a beam of depraved light, it appeared before my eyes... I rubbed those eyes, squinted, turned away for a moment and looked back to make sure it was really there.

Toronto Teenage Hockey Player Dies From Swine Flu

Now, I don't follow hockey, but I have friends that do, and they assure me ANY time the words "hockey" and "Toronto" appear together in a headline there is humour to be found. They also inform me the accompanying article will always detail grim death.

So apparently one more hockey player in Toronto that won't be around for this season's playoffs isn't exactly earth shattering... still... here it is:

Thirteen year old Evan Frustaglio died yesterday after fainting in the bathroom of his home. ("Be sure to mention that Toronto hockey is ALWAYS in the toilet" - done.)

Meh I dunno, I just don't get this hockey-related humour... the whole thing has me kinda nostalgic for SARS, to tell the truth.

I guess I'll just wrap this up with a passage from the linked article:
Symptoms of H1N1, or swine flu, may include difficulty breathing, discoloration of the lips, drowsiness, crankiness and not wanting to be held.

Gotcha. Swine Flu = being on the rag. Here I thought this whole time that was more Mad Cow Disease.

H1N1 - You are ON NOTICE... start pulling your weight around here, or risk no more publicity from us.

Love,
Chris Real

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2009-10-27T13:22:00.001-07:00

Cute hey?

Breast cancer awareness month needs a theme song... I bet it'd sound a lot like 'All I Wanna Do'.

The Too Soon Dead Slut Series - Vol. 1

2009-10-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

Greetings and welcome to the first of what will surely be a long and successful series here at AweWeTooSoon?

This series will reach back through the past to uncover and discuss some of the finest slut deaths of all time. Now please keep in mind, many of these will be from years, possibly decades ago, but hopefully there is still enough unjustified love in the world for some of these skanks that even years later, to joke about them could still be "Too Soon".

The inaugural entry here is a no-brainer... the woman that started the whole slut death movement, and to this day probably remains the biggest of it's kind.

The Too Soon Dead Slut Series presents: Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe was perhaps one of the least versatile actresses of all time... but when it came to boinking, the girl had range.

Politicians, industry leaders, play writes, sports stars, and a list of second-rate actors that would make Jenna Jameson blush.

It's amazing she never starred in a movie called 'Testicles Are A Girl's Best Friend'. (although, that was most certainly in her future, had her career not been saved - and elevated - by an early death)

Joe DiMaggio has to feel slightly ripped off. I mean, here he was for a few months, banging a girl that had been passed around Hollywood more than a burnt spoon at Courtney Love's baby shower, and Lou Gehrig gets a disease named after HIM???? WEAK.

Joe though, was just one in a long line of what I believe back then they called "suitors", but today they call "randoms". (not that I can blame him or any of them... hell, I'da done her... hell I STILL might - the idea of post-coital cuddling/talking being completely optional is... actually never mind)

One of these men of course, was JFK. After Marilyn's infamous performance of 'Happy Birthday' to JFK that made it apparent she was singing the way she did because she had a fresh gob of sperm force one in her throat - Kennedy had her killed. I know most don't believe that, but it is so, the Kennedys were mega-pricks. It was actually JFK that killed JFK - I know, I've seen a YouTube clip about it.

Of course, the "official" cause of Monroe's death is barbiturate overdose - either accidental or suicide. Either way, Marilyn stopped giving guys the 'Seven Year Itch' on August 5, 1962.

And a movement was born.

To Marilyn Monroe, a trailblazer, a visionary, and perhaps the ultimate dead slut of all time!

Love,
Chris Real

Bruce Springsteen Cancels Show After Cousin Roadie Dies

2009-10-27T03:41:00.001-07:00

LOS ANGELES (TS) - Bruce Springsteen canceled a performance in Kansas City on Monday after the death of his cousin who was the assistant road manager of the E Street Band.

Ok, his name was Cousin Roadie? Jeebus, that dictates a person's career in life more than I librarian named Bookman, or a fisherman named Fishman, or a FOXnews anchor named Cluelessdickface.

Oh, I guess his actual name was Lenny Sullivan, he was 36, and he was found in his hotel room DEAD! in the USA, he was DEAD! in the US A-eee-A yesterday.

Police are investigating the death, but do not suspect foul play... no Gory Days... still, The Boss needs a new employee.

I can see why they'd cancel a show over this... finding someone else who could like, lift stuff would be a pretty difficult task.

When reached for comment, Springsteen seemed to mumble incoherently for a couple minutes before his words suddenly became loud and clear for a couple sentences before returning to more incoherent mumbling... which I'm sure was still pretty deep even though no one could understand it.

Jon Bon Jovi, in an effort to continue along his chosen career path of blatantly ripping off Bruce but really really watering it down, arranged for his roadie to twist his ankle.

Bob Segar is quoted as saying something about how he started having roadies die in the early 70's.

Word has it when Mr. Sullivan gets to heaven, he will be instructed to load in through the kitchen.

Love,
Chris Real

Mondeath, OctooSoonber 26th, 2009

2009-10-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

Lots of dead wieners to get to today.

1 - Ex-state senator and ambassador to Sweden dies
Ok first off, why anyone names anyone from Texas ambassador to anywhere is beyond me.
"So senator, what did you learn on your fact finding trip to Sweden?"
"Well, first thang's they y'all talk funny like, and secondly, they almost never shoot nothin', and forthly, while they don't have any oil reserves, I did notice many gas stations that I assume have a good supply left in them underground tanks, I say we bomb 'em back to the stoneage!"
"You mean, bomb them back to modern day San Antonio?"
"Hell yeah!"

His name was Teel Bivins, a man George W. Bush calls "dear friend and a great man." putting him in such illustrious company as Dick Cheney, Mike Brown, and Osama bin Laden (before that whole little incident a few years ago).

His body died at 61, outlasting his brain by decades, which perished the day he became a member of the Republican party.

2 - Waseca health administrator dies after contracting H1N1
This one writes itself.

3 - Man shot at Yakima Halloween party dies
34-year-old Jason Baldoz died in hospital from bullet wounds sustained at a Halloween party just outside of Seattle this weekend. Serves him right for showing up WAY too fucking early.

4 - Chief bodyguard of Pope John Paul II dies
You'll have to forgive my ignorance here... I am not a Catholic... mostly due to my desire to have premarital sex (with LEGAL human beings, of the OPPOSITE sex) and my fondness for eating whatever I damn well please regardless of day of the week...

So, Pope John Paul II, that's the one that got shot right? So, this dude, Camillo Cibin is his name, was the Pope's body guard when this happened? Man, Mr. Cibin better hope there really is no afterlife, because if there is, I have to assume the Pope knows some people, and I bet this dude's name ain't on the list. St. Peter strikes me as a total prick of a bouncer (yeah I know, as opposed to the other kind), and slipping him a $20 probably isn't gonna do much good.

This job sluffing slacker then is responsible for the Pope-mobile, the ugliest, slowest, most useless vehicle not made by Chevy of all time. I remember when the Pope-mobile first came out... all those Vatican-based hot rod magazines featuring a seductively posed 9 year old boy on the hood. Looking back, I guess that was kind of creepy.

5 - GeoCities Dies
Now this is sad. I remember when my loser friend made his first GeoCities personal website. Every bump of the awesome hit counter he imported was like a little hug... you could almost hear him think, "maybe Grandma IS right, maybe I AM handsome and popular".

Then every other douche decided they deserved one of these sites as well... and all was lost.

The end of GeoCities was only a matter of time... today, there's Facebook, so never again do you have to worry someone might not know how much you love John Woo movies or how important the 12th line of Megadeth's 'Hangar 18' is to your life.
Oh yeah, and your Hot or Not account needs updating.

That's all for now kids. Remember, all life is precious...

...and all death is potentially hilarious.

Love,
Chris Real

Mother, 51, charged with murder of autistic son, 15

2009-10-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

Mississauga, ON (TS) -- A 51-year-old mother was charged yesterday in the death of her 15-year-old autistic son, whose body was found in a Mississauga hotel room.

Now this story is just mental. To try to find any humour in it just seems retarded.

Police allege the murder occurred sometime between late on Saturday night and early yesterday morning, and mother Seow Cheng Sim (Well now this is just getting ridicurous) faces charges of first-degree murder in the death of her son, Tony Khor. (Known better to his friends as "Khor-ky")

It would seem the mother just got sick of her son constantly going on and on about The People's Court and how he couldn't miss Wapner.

Although autistic, and like, dead, Mississauga education officials are requesting Tony not be buried, as he is still that city's best shot at bringing up their standardized testing scores.

Tony reportedly could count all the way up to potato.

The true tragedy in all this, is we will never know now, if he'd been allowed to flourish, just how good he might have gotten at sorting bottles... perhaps he may have been one of the very great ones. Or, I suppose he might've been a huge failure at it, and been fired, and had to work the rest of his life at Zellers.

Maybe this is for the best.

Love,
Chris Real

Andrew Lloyd Weber diagnosed with cancer and other laughs

2009-10-26T07:56:00.000-07:00

New York, October 26 (TS)-- Andrew Lloyd Weber is confident to return to work as soon as possible. The 61-year-old composer, reportedly being treated for prostate cancer, was quoted by his friends saying, "The show WILL go on."

I suppose this isn't so much an AreWeTooSoon? piece as it is a "stay tuned for an AreWeTooSoon? piece". Coming up shortly.

Prostate cancer... man those prostate doctors must make money up the... yin yang.

Good on ALW for letting the world know about this. Too many celeb deaths come out of nowhere and it leaves you scrambling to come up with jokes in a very short time which is a high pressure situation. Yeah that's right, I bet you never thought about THAT did you? Everyone is so busy feeling sorry for the dead person they don't even give a second thought to the people who are the most effected - those still living that are left with the burden of having to come up with material.

Example: Morrissey collapsed onstage on Saturday night and almost died.
Now Morrissey made it (this time) and is recovering nicely, but what if he had died? We'd have had approximately 12-18 hours to respond to get in the timely "every day ISN'T like Sunday"-based content.

Now, it looks like we probably have a few weeks to prepare for this one... I've already come up with "Phantom of the Operating Room" so that's a good start I guess.

Also, in looking through Morrissey articles I see that "Sir" Elton John had to cancel some shows due to flu-related illness... I doubt it's serious enough to kill him - which is good news for anyone in a "How will Elton John die?" office pool because I'm guessing "flu" was not the most popular pick - but when it does happen, ooooh that'll be a gooooooood day around these parts.

Anyway, happy Monday all, and here's hoping for a great week of Too Soon.

Love,
Chris Real

Sheldon J. Segal dies at 83; scientist led development of long-lasting contraceptives

2009-10-25T08:54:00.000-07:00

Sheldon J. Segal, who led the team that developed Norplant, Jadelle, Mirena and other long-lasting contraceptive agents that are used by more than 120 million women around the world and who promoted the idea that women did not have to have monthly menstrual cycles, died Oct. 17 at his home in Woods Hole, Mass.

You'll notice two things about the above paragraph:

1 - A guy that invented types of birth control died in a place called "Woods Hole" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! How does it feel motherfucker? Huh? Tables are turned now hey?

2 - Segal died on October 17th. AreWeTooSoon? prides itself on being more proactive than this and getting these stories out to you right away, but you know, sometimes these things aren't certain. We wanted to be sure, even though the odds were like, 99% he was dead, there's always a chance the method won't be effective, so we wanted to wait a few days, just in case. Also, I am writing this while wearing a condom, to further reduce the margin for error.

Nice work Mr. Segal, you're FINALLY putting your money where your mouth is when it comes to controlling the population.

Still, I curse you Dr. Sheldon... you're inventions have prevented way too many births that could be potentially great AreWeTooSoon? pieces, because you have prevented the births (and therefore the potentially hilarious deaths) of rich people. Poor people don't use birth control, (that's why there's always more and more poor people in the world) and it's always way funnier when rich people die.

Also bro, you dedicated your life to inventing things that prevented women from having their monthly period... DAMN YOU. You obviously never heard of a little thing called "Blowjob Week" did ya? I love Blowjob Week, way less work. (and a MUCH more effective method of birth control than any of your little trinkets)

The ovu-late Dr. Sheldon J. Segal, what a douche... a douche with Coca-Cola... also an effective birth control method, write that down (rich) kids.

Love,
Chris Real

NHL icon Bill Chadwick dies at 94

2009-10-25T08:07:00.000-07:00

CUTCHOGUE, N.Y. (TS) — Bill "The Big Whistle" Chadwick, the first U.S.-born official in NHL history who was later a popular broadcaster for the New York Rangers, died Saturday. He was 94.

Play by play dude: "Bill Chadwick has the life, he holds it for 94 years, Bill's been in declining health for a number of years but has had trouble going the distance, but he's on a breakaway now... he's got a great chance here... his son reports it, a family friend confirms it... and HE'S DEEEEEEAAAAAAADDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!"

Colour dude: "That's just an excellent death by Bill, the way he got all his organs to stop working all at once, you could tell he really wanted it."

Bill's contributions to the most pointless sport on earth are legendary.

This is hilarious and true... this guy is considered the leading innovator of hockey reffing, and he was blind in one eye. Sometimes facts are funnier than anything I can come up with.

Chadwick died of natural causes... good for him, bad for us. The next time a hockey ref dies, for the sake of this site, might I recommend:

Being stabbed. (slashing)
Beaten with a baseball bat. (high sticking)
Murdered by a hooker after unknowingly hiring a transvestite: (off side)
Playing hockey: (unnecessary roughness)

Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, good-bye Bill, this is one penalty box you ain't getting out of.

Love,
Chris Real

Maine girl born with 'mermaid syndrome' dies at 10

2009-10-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine (TS) — Shiloh Pepin, a girl born with a rare condition often called "mermaid syndrome," has died. She was 10.

Now this is a whale of a story. I damn near blew a seal when I heard about it. So I thought I'd make this the newest piece on AreWeTooSoon?... just for the halibut. This poor girl, we have lobster forever.

Shilo Pepin, a girl born with the rare disease sirenomelia, as of Friday afternoon is now swimming with the fishes.

She was born without a lower colon, or genitals, and her legs were fused from the waist down. I tried to walk a mile in her shoes, I fell down a lot.

It is a sad day for abstinance preaching groups that tour high schools.

Her story has been featured on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" and other national TV programs. At the time of this writing, it is reported the balloon boy's dad was furiously duct taping his son's legs together and booking the x-ray room at the hospital.

The greatest tragedy here is Shilo will never get a college education, already paid for by the scholorship she received... from McGill.

fin.

Love,
Chris Real

Mich. man dies after stabbing in his novelty shop

2009-10-23T17:29:00.000-07:00

Everyone bow your heads and close your eyes.

Too Soon Jesus, we thank you for this bounty we are about to receive, a novelty shop owner, are you frickin' kidding me?????

Also, please watch over us and keep us safe.

Just us though. Peace homie.

PONTIAC, Mich. (TS) - A man has been arrested in the stabbing death of an Oakland County novelty store owner.

John Martin Cox, a man who's last name I would make fun of mercilessly if there wasn't so much more material to get to, was found Thursday afternoon dead from 12 stab wounds to the back, neck, forearms and hands. Cox was reported to be shocked they made knives out of something other than hollow rubber.

Police got on the scene to discover blood, vomit, and feces... and that was just the top shelf of aisle 3. The police found lots of evidence, and have assured the family they won't just sit on it, most likely because that evidence would make a loud fart sound if they did.

Police have a suspect they are looking for, described as a 5'11' Caucasian with thick black rimmed glasses, a huge nose, and a Groucho Marx moustache and eyebrows, and is most likely intoxicated from drinking two beers at once, situated on each side of his head. He may also be wearing a shirt with what at first appears to be a Burger King logo, but at closer inspection actually says "Bonger King".

Police say there's a strong possibility the perpetrator may be trying to flee to San Fransisco, but are confident they will find him, and are able to keep up the search day and night using their very newly attained lava lamp technology.

Come Monday, the "I got shanked in Michigan and all I got was this stupid T-shirt" is expected to be a hot seller.

Love,
Chris ReOH I GET IT! BONGER KING!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA Like for stoners and shit. Sweet.

Love,
Chris Real

College of Southern Idaho Cheerleader Dies In Wreck

2009-10-23T13:33:00.000-07:00

**Before I get into this article, I should mention I searched for a good "dead cheerleader" pic to post, but while doing so I came across this. Three fat cheerleaders is way, way funnier than even the best dead cheerleader picture. That middle one must have the arm strength of Jean Claude Van Damme on a PCP bender.

On with the show...

JEROME, ID (TS) Cheerleaders mourned Thursday at the College of Southern Idaho for the loss of one of their own.

This is getting creepy. A mere 24 hours after AreWeTooSoon? reported on the death of a high school cheerleader in Ohio, today we get news of a college cheerleader killed in a car crash in Idaho.

This is not a good week to be true to your school in middle America.

From the linked article:

Sean Carey was a freshman at CSI and before college cheered at Jerome High School, said Julie Wright-Leggett, his coach since April.

"Cheerleading was his life, he was just a really great kid," Wright-Leggett said Thursday. "My team is hurting."

Various eye-witnesses from the scene of the crash said... the scene of the cra... wait, He? It was a GUY cheerleader???

I'm ending this article... this dead douche has suffered enough.

Love,
Chris Real

Soupy Sales dies at 83

2009-10-23T06:00:00.001-07:00

BRONX, NY (TS) - Soupy Sales, a comic with a gift for slapstick who attained cult-like popularity in the 1960s, has died. He was 83.

Legendary not particularly funny man Soupy Sales took the ultimate pie to the face last night. Sales had several health problems at the time of his passing, so it would seem when he was checked in to Calvary Hospital earlier last week, this Soup was anything but MMM MMM good.

Pictured here during one of his frequent LSD trips in the 60's, Sales made his career with a string of kids shows that eventually also became popular with extremely stoned "adults". The shows consisted of Soupy talking to puppets and his signature pie gag. From the linked article:

The gag became more than hilarious; it evolved into a hip badge of honor. Frank Sinatra was first in a long line of celebrities who clamored for the privilege to be cream-faced, including Tony Curtis, Mickey Rooney, Sammy Davis Jr., Dick Martin and Burt Lancaster.

Frankie baby, I never knew, you really did do it "your way". Too bad the show went off the air by the time Freddie Mercury became famous... They'd have never got him off the set.

Soupy was born Milton Supman on Jan. 28, 1926, in Franklinton, NC. The Supmans were the only Jewish family in town. Sales' father ran a dry goods store that sold sheets to the Ku Klux Klan. (this is true)

Soupy would later exercise these demons by naming the puppets on his show White Fang, Black Tooth, and Pookie. Pookie would often find himself in the middle of brutal turf wars between the other two puppets... but eventually they would all see eye to eye, bonding over their common love of fisting.

Good bye Soupy, we here at AreWeTooSoon? will always remember you for being the first legit celebrity we got to cover in real time...

Much like purchasing a thong at JC Penny, this Sales is final.

Love,
Chris Real

Ohio Cheerleader Collapses at Practice and Dies

2009-10-22T16:16:00.000-07:00

YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio (TS) -- A coroner is investigating the death of a northeast Ohio cheerleader who collapsed at practice and died.

Gimmie a C! Gimmie an O! Gimmie a P! Gimmie a Y! Gimme a C! Gimmie an A! Gimmie a T!

First a high school basketball player collapses and dies at practice, then a high school football player collapses and dies at practice. Well, now the ladies are getting into the mix and making their own "Too Soon" presence felt! All this in one week... the week this site launched... interesting.

The name of the world's newest cadaveRAH! is Jabraya Howell, who rallied her last bit of pep, squaded her last bit of spirit, and brought her last bit of "it", during an after school practice yesterday.

Her coach and cheer team mates were crushed... because she was one of the all important bottom corner foundation girls in the pyramid they were practicing at the time.

The squad has bravely decided to go on and perform at this Saturday's football game, because "That's like, totally what Jabraya would have wanted".
So they will now have Jabraya be the top of the pyramid instead.

No word yet on if any of her friends have her Facebook password so they can update her status.

U! G! L! Y! She's got a great alibi, she's dead, she's dead.

Love,
Chris Real

Chet Atkins' Widow Dies In Nashville

2009-10-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

NASHVILLE, Tenn.(TS) The widow of country legend Chet Atkins died Wednesday in Nashville at the age of 85.

Leona Atkins died a very rich woman, not because she could do anything herself, but because she spent many decades blowing someone who could.

It's a good thing Chet himself died years ago, or otherwise I'd be coming up with lame guitar-related puns in this post. I'm glad I don't have to fret about picking out a bunch of those and stringing them together.

One of the pallbearers for the funeral on Saturday is country singing sensation Vince Gill. It will be his first visit to a cemetery since burying his career sometime in the late 90's.

Congrats to Leona... who has finally discovered an Atkins diet that works.

Love,
Chris Real

Jockey dies after fall from horse in Oklahoma

2009-10-22T07:47:00.000-07:00

OKLAHOMA CITY (TS) -The Oklahoma Horse Racing Commission is investigating the death of a Texas jockey who was thrown from his horse during a thoroughbred race at Blue Ribbon Downs in Sallisaw over the weekend.

58 year old Mark Pace died Sunday while riding the too deliciously ironic-named Reap What You Sow during a 5 1/2 furlong race. (of course, Pace himself was not in the race furlong)

Darrell Haire, the western region manager of the Jockey's Guild (that guy must get ALL the chicks), reports this is the 150th jockey to die in a riding accident in North America since 1940, or enough to re-create the "follow the Yellow Brick Road" scene from The Wizard of Oz. Despite that grim number, it must be pointed out that in that time frame, way more boxers have died than jockeys, which might go a ways in determining which underwear is truly the best.

At the time this post was written, there was no information available regarding which glue factory Pace would be shipped to.

Love,
Chris Real

New Rihanna Album On The Way

2009-10-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

R n' B singer Rihanna has been laying pretty low since her infamous altercation a few months ago with ex-boyfriend Chris Brown. However, it looks like she is ready to jump back into the spotlight with her highly anticipated new album Rated R. If first single "Russian Roulette" is any indication, the album should prove to be another huge success for the singer.

Rihanna has enlisted industry heavyweights Justin Timberlake and Ne-Yo to produce some tracks on her album. Along with the first single, Rolling Stone reports that she has recorded an "edgy" cover of Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time."

- JJ Ramone

Canada's Oldest Resident Dies... and more!!!!

2009-10-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

As we sit back and reflect on this October 21st, 2009, we must all give thanks... for the air we breathe, the food we eat, and the soons we too...

Here's what went... er, I mean, here's who went down today.

1) Teen Collapses on Football Field, Dies at Age 18

Just... wow. We here at AreWeTooSoon? can't help but feel a tad humbled with this one. Our site has only been up for a couple days, and already we are seeing copy-cat "Too Soon" deaths.

Just yesterday we told you about Waseeq Shahid, the 15 year old Kentucky basketball player that hit nutin' but dirt at practice.

I guess word is spreading that he got some publicity, because last night 18 year old high school football player Erick Gutierrez of Buena Vista, Georgia took practicing for sudden death overtime a bit too far and collapsed and died right on the field. Despite a valiant effort from his head coach, who bravely told the young man to "walk it off", Erick had already found the end zone. Now, he'll be going the whole two yards... down.

Erick's parents immediately sunk into a deep depression after hearing the news... the news that engraving on a headstone is charged by the letter, making them forever regret putting that fucking stupid "k" at the end of his first name.

2) Former Santa Cruz mayor, Mardi Wormhoudt dies

It's so hard for me to not make a worm joke here, as the obituary that describes all of this woman's life accomplishments is shorter than the sentence you are currently reading but...

I guess just the facts. Santa Cruz's first female mayor died today at 72. A woman that had survived earthquakes and wildfires died of melanoma. The worst Mother Nature could throw at her she overcame, but the 5 sessions for 50 dollars special at Tan-tastics in Palm Desert was just too much. Also she... um... she... well... you see... dammit that's IT. How Wallace Baine from the Santa Cruz Sentinel squeezed 300 words out on this topic I'll never know.

3) Canada's oldest resident dies in Moncton

As if anyone ever really LIVES in Moncton anyway.

Her name was Margaret Fitzgerald, and she passed away yesterday at the tender (literally, not figuratively) age of 113.

She is survived by only one known relative. (relatives tend to make themselves scarce around the 105 year mark, as it's all but certain any inheritance has already gone out the window on luxury items like blankets and oxygen tanks) That relative is 90 year old Reg King. You can read more about him on this very site, verrrrrrrrry soon.

The linked article details Reg's account of Maragret's early years, but if you've ever been to a funeral for someone 80 or older, save your time and just remember that eulogy. She worked hard blah blah blah and always had a smile on her face blah blah blah and loved telling stories about the old times blah blah blah...

Margaret was raised on a farm (obviously, as all of Canada was a farm in 1834) and later in life became a dental assistant and married her boss. Back then I guess that was romantic, today that's a trip to the HR dep't.

From the article:
King said longevity runs in his family, but he credited his aunt's record-breaking age to a clean and sober lifestyle.
"I never heard tell of her smoking or drinking liquor, and that probably had a lot to do with her health," he said.

That's right, Canada's former oldest person... was an uncool wuss. She still got a way longer obit than the former mayor of Santa Cruz though, so that's something.

That is all for tonight... sleep well friends... just not as well as these three.

Love,
Chris Real

Spero, feminist artist, dies at 83 in NYC

2009-10-21T12:49:00.000-07:00

Now this is a tragedy.

First off I guess I should point out that the picture I've selected to accompany this post is NOT a Spero piece... I just happen to think think it's adorable, that's all.

From the article:
Feminist artist Nancy Spero, whose works have been included in the collections of The Museum of Modern Art and the Whitney Museum of American Art, has died. She was 83.

Not from the article:
These works were all displayed in the staff break rooms of these galleries, and were hung with care with fridge magnets.

Apparently, Spero's work combined drawing, painting, collage and printmaking... which all seem to be art mediums more suited for men. The over-exertion is more than likely what killed her. If she had it to do over again, I would have to think she'd concentrate more on quilting, making Popsicle stick birdhouses, and helping her children dye Easter eggs.

We at AreWeTooSoon? tried to contact various prominent female artists for comment... but it turns out there are none.

Nancy Spero, dead Oct. 18th 2009 at the age of 83.

So to all aspiring would-be female artists out there, apparently trying to be an artist is a sure path to dying alone in obscurity... even surer than having small boobs. Take heart though, homemaking is an art too.

Ah feminists... they're just so... cute.

Love,
Chris Real

Oct. 21th 2009, this day in Too Soonews

2009-10-21T08:47:00.001-07:00

Happy Hump Day all you depraved, degenerate Too Soon-sters!

First off: FuckaduckacocksuckashittwatpoopastinkaFUCK. I woke today to see "RIP Kanye" as a trending topic on Twitter. After changing my pants, I looked into it further and saw it was a hoax. I still hold out hope though. Kanye's death would be great for not only this site, but the music biz, and indeed the world as a whole. He should go to the same doctor his mom went to.

Alas, our planet is still a rich source of Too Soon-worthy discussion... so here we go.

1) Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter Jack Nelson dies at 80
Jack Nelson came to prominence covering the Civil Rights Movement in the 60's and Watergate in the 70's while working with the LA Times. There's a HUGE article about all his accomplishments during his career with the LA Times... in the LA Times today. No word on whether that qualifies as a news article or ad space.
Covering the 60's Civil Rights Movement wasn't easy for the Caucasian Nelson, so in order to gain access to meetings with black leaders of the time, Jack would disguise himself by putting a white hood on his face so no one could see the colour of his skin. This proved unsuccessful.
He won the Pulitzer prize for journalism... today... for writing his own obituary with THIS date on it back in the 80's. His Pulitzer prize for this is not without controversy though, as he had an unfair advantage over other reporters in getting this date right... as evidenced last month as the date was approaching, and he started smoking 50 Marlborough's and drinking 2 quarts of Jim Beam a day, and started having constant unprotected sex on his suspiciously too frequent trips to Bangkok.

2) Former Wyo. governor, US Sen. Clifford Hansen dies
Mr. Hansen became governor of the most important state in the US, Wyoming, in 1962, after securing 55% of the popular vote, or 23 people. Then he became that state's senator in 1966. Then he died at 97. Then the article ended. Clifford Hansen is no Ted Kennedy, and I bet he regrets it now. A battle with the bottle or a manslaughter killing could've added at least a couple paragraphs to this story. (which by the way, can only be found in the Jackson Hole Daily, the local small town newspaper in the place he was born) Now, he will be moving from Jackson Hole to Hansen hole.

3) Bond villian Joseph Wiseman dead at 91
Wisemen is best known for his title role in the 1962 Sean Connery Bond flick Dr. No. Sean Connery is better known for his role in that movie. Born in Canada in 1919, Wisemen spent most of his life pursuing a stage career, appearing in a whole bunch of stuff the linked article mentions but I've never heard of so whatever. The guy was Dr. No. That's it.
Apparently, being known for this role was a source of frustration for Wisemen. From the article:

Although Wiseman was part of movie history, his daughter said he viewed "Dr. No" with "great disdain." "He was horrified in later life because that's what he was remembered for," she said. "Stage acting was what he wanted to be remembered for."

Well Dr. No, you never have to worry about that again Dr. No. Your lifelong nightmare is over Dr. No. Rest in peace Dr. No.

And that is Oct. 21st, 2009, the day that is so far... weak crop... but the day is still young... and so is Kanye (relatively), but let's keep our fingers crossed.

Love,
Chris Real

"New" Michael Jackson Music To Be Released

2009-10-20T20:08:00.000-07:00

It has been reported that a handful of unreleased Michael Jackson songs will be released in conjunction with the upcoming This Is It movie, which hits theatres October 28. Along with the title track, The King of Pop reinterprets a classic Elton John song. The end result is the very poignant track "Please Let Your Son Go Down On Me."

-JJ Ramone

If you're going to talk the talk, then you better walk the walk...

2009-10-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

...unless you're Stephen Hawking.

-JJ Ramone

Oct. 20th 2009, the Too Soon Day That Was

2009-10-20T17:01:00.000-07:00

We here at AreWeTooSoon? pride ourselves on being more tasteless before 8am than most people are all day.

It occurs to me, on the first day of this site's existence, we will always have old "standby" topics to get us by on those days when there's nothing news-worthy making headlines.

Hitler, 9/11, JFK, and to a lesser degree Charles Manson - these will ALWAYS be "too soon" worthy topics... and I for one intend to make the most of them... maybe one day cook them in some Too Soon gumbo for an epic "Too Soon" entry. ("too soon entry" - I'll take "Michael Jackson's Hobbies" for $1000 Alex)

It also occurs to me, if we are to set ourselves apart as industry-leading TooSoon-sters, we need to use our research skills to uncover some "Too Soon" topics that might otherwise go unnoticed.

Today looks to be a banner day for breaking out those research skills.

Here's what's happened in the world over the last few hours:

1) TV Theme Songwriter Vic Mizzy Dies
The man who penned such classics as 'Green Acres' and 'The Addams Family' (snap snap!) got his very own green couple of square meters today in Los Angeles. (snap snap!)
He was 93 years old, but I'm CONVINCED it was suicide... you just can't repress memories of going to elementry school with the name Vic Mizzy forever. (snap snap!)
Of course, Mr. Mizzy(AHAHAHAHA) 's main contribution to popular culture was having his 'Green Acres' melody serve as inspiration for the best part of Easy E's 'Gimmie That Nut'.

Mr. Mizzy(AHAHAHAHAHA), we leave you with this tribute:

Green Acres is the place to be
Not livin' is the life for me
Worms eatin' off my ears and eyes
'Cuz that's what happens when somebody dies

Erg... that was all together oooky. (snap snap!)

2) Kentucky High School Basketball Player Dies In Tryouts
Fifteen year old Kentucky student Waseeq Shahid collapsed and died on the basketball court yesterday during tryouts. (No word on whether he still made the team... apparently the school is predominantly white, so there's still a chance)
From the article, the kid's best friend was quoted as saying: "If you were looking for a good friend, he's what you were looking for," Nix told the newspaper. "He was there when you needed him."

Credit Nix for using the correct syntax at the end of his quote.

As sad as this is, it has not deterred Nike from going forward with the Waseeq Shahid signature basketball shoe line. Instead they will simply change the advertising tag-line to: "Guaranteed to take 6 feet off your vertical!"

3) First US Mass Murderer Dies At 88
His name is Howard Unruh, and according to the linked article he became the modern face of mass murder when he shot and killed 13 people in East Camden in 1949.
I don't have much to say here... I know this site is dedicated to being crass and heartless and such but... it's always sad when a pioneer in a field passes on.

And that is Oct. 20th, 2009, the day that was...

Love,
Chris Real

Quick question...

2009-10-20T14:15:00.000-07:00

I need some advice... I'm planning a a big party next September. The only night everyone can make it is the 11th.

Now... I've always thought it would be a fun idea at a party to have a Jenga tournament... but...

I love this idea for a blog but...

2009-10-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

...dammit all to hell, we've missed most of the BEST YEAR FOR TOO SOON HUMOUR EVER. @%#$#!!!!!!

We've missed Farrah Fawcett (lung cancer from a woman that once took our breath away - comedic gold), Ed McMahon (dead @ 86, surviving his career by... well, 86 years), Patrick Swayze (can't go for the 'Ghost' jokes... too soon = awesome, too obvious = lame, still, nobody puts Swayze in the coroner).

Then of course there was Billy Mays, who threw in the forth celebrity death that people care about for a 24 hour news cycle at NO EXTRA CHARGE!!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure there was one other big celeb death this year as well but for the life of me I cannot think of who it was... no worries, I'm sure we'll remember in time for our "Year in Review - the Too Soon year that was".

For now... I beg of you Too Soon Santa... bring us the following celeb deaths for X-mas:

1 - Richard Simmons
2 - Fabio
3 - Rick Astley
4 - Burt Reynolds
5 - Miley Cyrus

Actaully, make #5 number 1. You OWE us Too Soon Santa... the fucking kid in Colorado was NEVER EVEN ON THE DAMN BALLOON... do you know how many great Fall Out Boy jokes I had ready to fire off?!?!?!?!?!

Welcome to our site all... we're gonna have LOTS of fun. Rawk.

Love,
Chris Real

Def Leppard cancels Regina show

2009-10-20T08:45:00.001-07:00

(photo caption: "Laugh if you must, but I could still kick Alvin Law's ass in foosball!")

Def Leppard cancels Regina show...

This would ordinarily be GREAT news, to not have my city be contaminated with shlocky crap "rock" music.

This is sad though, I was going to meet the drummer, and FINALLY find out what the sound of one hand clapping is.

Love,
Chris Real

Too Soon?

2009-10-19T17:03:00.000-07:00

If Adolph Hitler was in a band, would it be called A Flock of Sieg Heils?

-JJ Ramone

Too Soon?

2009-10-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

Mary Travers from Peter, Paul and Mary died recently.

Now they are called Peter, Paul and Buried.

- JJ Ramone

Greetings and Salutations!

2009-10-19T16:36:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Too Soon! We want to share our humour with the world and offend the masses one person at a time. However, keep in mind that we are non-discriminatory offenders: we make fun of everyone equally. We will tell jokes about all sorts of people, whether they are black, white, straight, gay, hermaphrodites, midgets, Chinese, Japanese, Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, Atheist, jocks, stoners, yuppies, left wing, right wing, dead or alive. We will even joke about ourselves.

In our humble, but correct, opinion there is no topic that is not subject to be laughed at. We live in a pretty brutal, messed up world so humour is the easiest way to cope. Laughter truly is the best medicine. Theoretically, no one should be able to laugh after horrific events like the Holocaust or 9/11 or after we lose loved ones. However, if this was the case then our world would be pretty bleak and conversation at the bar, pub, coffee shop or water cooler would subsequently be pretty damned boring. And we HATE boring.

So feel free to peruse our site at will.

And feel free to laugh.